Daniel Dowling wants to share his experience with porn and pose some questions for you
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Porn. Porn. Poooooorn.
There. Now that I’ve let the scary porn monster out of the box, we can talk about it honestly, like adults. I’m a funny guy, so I like to take the edge off serious subjects with a little humor. But my point is that porn isn’t funny. Porn seriously impacts how men relate with women, and vice versa. It also shapes behaviors that determine your outcome in a relationship. And porn directly affects your capacity for intimacy, as you’ll soon discover.
Since I know myself best, I’ll start the conversation with my personal experience.
My struggle with pornography
When my Dad found the porn stash on my iPod, he joked to my mom, “Is Dan preparing to be a gynecologist?”
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As a young man, I was so steeped in pornography that I can’t recall many days without it. When my Dad found the porn stash on my iPod, he joked to my mom, “Is Dan preparing to be a gynecologist?”
I was scared to be in a relationship with a real, live, breathing woman.
When I broke that fear, I still viewed women pornographically. I couldn’t connect meaningfully as friends, and all of my intimate relationships crumbled as I became bored, even with insanely gorgeous women. That’s how porn trained me.
Relationships are based on mutuality and two-way exchanges—not the unilateral use and consumption of another person that occurs when we watch porn.
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Relationships require individuals to give freely and selflessly to create something bigger and more meaningful. This means relationships are based on mutuality and two-way exchanges—not the unilateral use of another person that happens with porn.
Since I had practiced that unhealthy and selfish dynamic with porn, all my relationships failed and I was left alone, confused, and resentful. What was I doing wrong? Why couldn’t I just be happy with another person? Why was I failing miserably at something I felt should come naturally?
I didn’t realize until much later that I was subconsciously sabotaging my relationships porn. Every day I did porn was a day that I used women, regardless of their feelings, for passing pleasure. I used them up and tossed them away with the click of a mouse. Is it any surprise that I displayed the same behaviors in my relationships with real women?
Quitting
I quit porn the day I learned that many of the actresses are graduates of child sex slavery. No matter how difficult it was to quit cold turkey, I could not rationalize it any longer. I couldn’t enable that kind of evil through my want for pleasure.
I rewired my brain and connect my sexuality with love and my future. I endeavored to become a man capable of true intimacy.
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After that point, I was forced to deepen my approach to living. I rewired my brain and connect my sexuality with love and my future. I endeavored to become a man capable of true intimacy.
I’ve now been free of pornography without a second thought for three years. I have since devoted my life to helping other men overcome pornography more intelligently, and to helping women vocalize their needs—especially for intimacy—in relationships.
♦◊♦
Now I have some questions for you. I’d like to engage you with facts about the porn industry and on how it adversely affects your relationships.
Men
Do you think porn is a healthy or good thing?
Would it surprise you that the foremost divorce attorneys estimate 500,000 divorces a year are attributed to pornography? Why do you think that is?
When a person associates his or her sexual desire with a lifeless screen, they are training themselves to connect with something that can’t connect back.
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When a person associates his or her sexual desire with a lifeless screen, they are training themselves to connect with something that can’t connect back. It’s a dead end that kills potential for intimacy between two real people.
In a marriage, your husband or wife depends on you to be sensitive to their wants, needs and desires in order to experience intimacy. If you practice associating your desire with digital pixels, you will not be able to connect meaningfully with your partner in real life.
Think of your daughters
Would you be ok with your daughter performing in a pornographic film? What makes you think it is respectful, decent, or even permissible to watch other men’s daughters do the same? Could you call porn use courageous, wise, selfless, generous, faithful, or any other virtue?
As men, we are called to support and celebrate women, not objectify and degrade. Vir means “man” in latin, so to be a man is to be virtuous. Does porn have any room for virtue? When we step into our role as men we help other men and women find lasting success in their relationships while supporting our own happiness.
When we act out of virtue, we pave the way for our own daughters to be treated with the respect, dignity, and honor that they deserve. When we support and celebrate women, our daughters can look up to us, trust us, and use us as examples for their future husbands. If, on the other hand, we objectify and degrade women in any way, we are consenting for our daughters to be treated similarly.
Women
Do you feel like it’s OK for your boyfriends and husbands to watch porn? If so, why?
Do you think a man who watches porn will be attuned to and concerned about the porn actresses emotions, needs, and desires as he’s watching her? In what ways would porn enhance a man’s respect and appreciation of you? In what ways would porn support unconditional love?
When a man watches porn, he is using another women as a virtual slave to satisfy his desire for pleasure–regardless of how she feels. His pleasure—not her feelings—is what matters. This is not how you want him to be practicing for a breathing woman in the flesh—you! Nor is it a good way to practice for the new life that comes through your love: selflessness is a requirement that porn cannot satisfy.
You are subtle, complex, emotional, being. And you deserve a level of intimacy and attentiveness in a relationship that men who abuse porn are simply have not practiced.
Many reports suggest that women who perform in pornographic videos and films abuse drugs to tolerate their onscreen humiliation. They do this with drugs, painkillers, and alcohol to numb themselves of the pain and emptiness that they experience. Male sex workers also use drugs and injections to maintain their endless erections. The pain isn’t just emotional; it is also common for porn actresses to suffer anal and vaginal tears. What a job?! All to present an unreal fantasy experience to viewers.
Clearly a man watching porn is not factoring in a woman’s emotions, well-being, or needs. She is only there to provide him with pleasure.
If you’re with that man, how do you think that impacts you and your relationships?
If a man practices fulfilling his desire for pleasure regardless of how a woman feels, he will not be able to connect with you in the ways you deserve.
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We play like we practice. If a man practices fulfilling his desire for pleasure regardless of how a woman feels, he will likely not be able to connect with her in the ways she deserves. You need to be able to connect intimately with a man if you expect to last with him.
If he practices porn, don’t be surprised if he uses you for your pleasure, only to throw you away when he’s finished. Just like all of the insanely gorgeous women in the videos. That’s exactly what I did with my girlfriends, albeit, unaware of the process. We play like we practice, because practice wires the way we play.
Did you know it has been scientifically proven that men rate their partners as less attractive after watching porn? You are a woman. You are beautiful and worthy beyond your comprehension. You are infinitely deserving of a man who can honor you, cherish you, uphold your inherent dignity, and respect you. A good and honest man would never dream of compromising his ability to love you, but that nightmare happens unconsciously with porn.
Conclusion
Life is precious, and far too valuable to degrade in any way. Men and women are called to build each other up with virtue, and I don’t believe this is possible with pornography. What do you think?
PS–
Did you know it is common for women to suffer anal, vaginal, and throat tears that sometimes require surgery to recover? How sexy and awesome is that? Also, did you know that porn actors commonly acquire multiple STDs and bacterial infections throughout their careers?
If you don’t believe me, allow ex porn star Vanessa Belmond to tell you about it.
Originally published on DowlingWriter.com.
Photo—Chris Isherwood/Flickr
Thanks for enjoying it– please share with people who need it.
I so agree with you on the “shaming”. I always ask for specific instances where I have shamed anybody, and they never respond.
I like to say- If you feel ashamed….that sounds like a personal problem you have to work out. Lol!!
When the topic of porn comes up, there is bound to be a discussion around ‘shame’. Who is being shamed. Who feels shamed. Who is shaming who. Often I see a pattern with those who enjoy porn feel they are being shamed if anything negative is discussed around porn. What confuses me is how can these guys not consider how porn shames women, men, sex and relationships? How is it ‘shaming’ to talk about porn’s negative aspects but it’s not ‘shaming’ to use women pretty much as a means to a man’s pleasurable end? How is it not ‘shaming’ to… Read more »
Thank you Daniel. So so so so much! And thank you for your intelligent comments as well. My heart is hopeful.
Lauren, your comment made humoring all the trolls on this thread worth it. So, so glad you appreciate it.
The reason I write is to give hope to women, so my heart is warmed by you! Please share this with women who need hope.
🙂
I watch some of the most hardcore porn and hentai out there. I also don’t particularly care what anyone thinks of it.
Removing posts shows you lack conviction to let it be challenged.
These will be the last words I have for you:
Even my comments must be submitted for approval. I have no say in the approval of comments.
Daniel, These are important issues. Like all technology, pornography has come a long way from when I was a kid and I found a “nature magazine” with men and women in the nude. Now, with a web-based pornography media extravaganza, its easy to become hooked. Our brains are tuned to sexual stimuli and when they are hyper-stimulated, we can actually rewire the brain. This may be the first time in human history that we are seeing impotence in young males under the age of 20. Many of these young men have watched so much porn they can no longer get… Read more »
@ silke You’re right the evidence does conflict. When we write at the masters level that’s precisely what we’re supposed to do. Look at evidence from both sides. We then determine the credibility of the evidence. Most of the pro-porn evidence presented was correlation. That in itself would make it weak. Most of the anti-pron evidence is causative. That would initially make it more credible. We also examine the biases of the researchers. Most of the pro-porn evidence is gathered from academia. One research study, the Texas A&M study, actually tried to prove the reverse. That would be considered strong… Read more »
I found lots of interesting things yesterday when I looked for info about this. Like : Americans favourite search word on pornhub is “TEEN”. In other countries it is not! There men seach for adults and mothers. In Norway right now the staff in our prisons protests against the inmates rights to use porn. They can have porn as long as it is legal. They do not have access to the internet but they can have videos books, magazines.That means the staff,has to watch every single video and magazine to make sure it is legal .And they also complain that… Read more »
I am a big fan of this one myself.
http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs11930-014-0016-8
Sorry, the second link.
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/11/101130111326.htm
it says reported child sexual abuse dropped in the that country when child porn became legal. But but but, the children in child porn are raped on screen, so it is impossible for me to see that we can accept the rape of some children even if the prevents some phedosexual persons from abusing children. I have browsed through some long reports and they often rest on research to old to tell us about the effect of the kind of porn we see online today , and the findings seems to conflict . That is not surprising. Imagine the effect… Read more »
An interesting article about porn and violence
http://www.socialcostsofpornography.com/Layden_Pornography_and_Violence.pdf
To address you’re other question. Is porn good or healthy?
I think it can be depending on how it is used. There have been studies that link the availability of porn to a reduction in sexual assault. Some relationships have partners with mismatched libidos. Some people may be better off without a partner for at least stretches of their lifetimes.
John Why don’t you find the link to those studies and we can all have look at them. You have a master,that means you should be able to take a deeper look at those studies and see if they are valid, and reliable. In my country the rate of sexual assault is up and we are high tech society where nearly everybody has their own computer,smartphone etc. I do not know if we also watch a lot of porn, only the the youngest kid do more than any other country if I remember correctly. It is hard to do reseach… Read more »
““Rates of rapes and sexual assault in the U.S. are at their lowest levels since the 1960s,” says Christopher J. Ferguson, a professor of psychology and criminal justice at Texas A&M International University. The same goes for other countries: as access to pornography grew in once restrictive Japan, China and Denmark in the past 40 years, rape statistics plummeted. Within the U.S., the states with the least Internet access between 1980 and 2000—and therefore the least access to Internet pornography—experienced a 53 percent increase in rape incidence, whereas the states with the most access experienced a 27 percent drop in… Read more »
Don’t mix up correlation and causation. During the last 20-30 years in the U.S., the same time that internet porn was exploding in popularity, our society dramatically increased prosecution and sentencing of sex crimes and other violent crimes. 40 or 50 years ago, only a tiny percentage of rapists went to jail. Unless you had a slam dunk case with eye witnesses and a sympathetic victim (e.g. a suburban mother of 3 dragged into an alley while shopping for groceries), cops didn’t investigate, DA’s didn’t file charges and juries didn’t convict. Child molestation? It was hushed up, not prosecuted. That’s… Read more »
Sarah you have some good points here.
One of the reasons often cited for why the rates of sexual assault are extremely high is liberal / progressive countries is that reporting and recognition is better. The definitions are also more broad. The studies I’ve looked at look at the same countries at different times. Here is another interesting thing. If anything in the U.S. the definitions, reporting, and recognition should have increased the number of rapes. There have been declines even when recognition and reporting improve. One more point to take into account. Many surveys report significant numbers of men sexually victimized mainly by women. Because male… Read more »
“Men sexually victimized by women….Could that be due to women not using porn?”.
I admit I refuse to think that is so 🙂
Yes John, we not have good and correct facts about things like sexual assault, sexual violence in any country and for all the different age groups and gender.
In Norway the lesbian women have the same use of online porn as men ( very high percentage of them use it).
There is no scientific study that can compete with common sense, which is becoming more of a misnomer each day. Unless you are committed to truth at any cost, you will find exactly what you want to find, which is exculpation of porn, in your case. Please read the following words carefully; I’ll be awaiting your response. Porn conditions people to view others as objects separate from emotions, feelings, values, and humanity. Human violence stems from a lack of humanity and a power imbalance, so how would you wish your citizens to comport themselves for peaceful behavior? A logical and… Read more »
Ket’s talk common sense. People watch a contact sport like boxing or football and actually CHEER when a person is hurt. Maybe the realization sits in that it’s a person when that guy doesn’t get up from the tackle, but in that moment when the defender knocks the ball out with a bone crushing hit, people cheer. Let’s look outside the realm of entertainment. When you order a sandwich are you really thinking about how the guy is feeling having to make it for you or are you concerned with him getting the sandwich right? Would you be surprised to… Read more »
“There is no scientific study that can compete with common sense”
There is so much wrong with this statement.
I was watching this interview with Rhonda Rousey. Rousey was responding to a question about MMA. She said she did the same things in the octagon that she did in the Olympics. Her comment was when I did it for free, I was celebrated. Now that I’m paid I’m a barbarian. So are you willing to outlaw all these acts of degredation in people’s bedrooms or is it only a problem on screen when people get paid for it? Anal sex is very painful and degrading. Let’s bring back the sodomy laws. BDSM is degrading. We need to ban it.… Read more »
I love how this is just aimed at men, as though women don’t watch and enjoy porn. As if couples don’t watch it together and get ideas from it. Not all porn is bad and watched together, a man and a woman can actually improve the intimacy between them. More and more women are watching porn now and plus they read trashy romance novels and erotica, like 50 Shades of Grey and nobody bats an eye about it. Personally if a woman doesn’t want me to watch porn, fine! but she better not be watching it herself. or reading romance… Read more »
“nobody bats an eye about it ”
Well David some do , since they have done reseach on the background of women that read Fifty Shades .
It may improve their sexual functions together, but that can be accomplished in many other wholesome ways without compromising intimacy. Whaaaa???? Sex is different than intimacy????!!? WHAAAA? Keep your shirt on, I’ll explain. I wouldn’t have understood two years ago, so it’s no big deal. I think I mentioned it in the article, but initimacy is the innermost, stemming from the Latin word intimus. . Intimacy and sex aren’t mutually inclusive. Words associated with innermost would be: emotions, value, trust, respect, morals, values, dreams, needs, etc. These are things that only committed people will be on top of and interested… Read more »
Another bullshit anti-porn rant full of shame and lies.
So much for talking honestly.
Thanks for your contrubution to the discussion! I like your enthusiasm!! My aim in writing is to call attention to the inherent dignity of the human person. So, I’d like to think it isn’t so much anti-porn as pro humanity. What if you tried reading the article again with that perspective? I’d like to hear your opinion.
All the best to you, and thanks again. D.D
Sure and I did.
This manipulative and dishonest. It is attempting to push its own moralistic view at the expense of honesty.
Even your response here is manipulative and dishonest.
You are not anti-porn… yes, yes you are.
Assuming you won’t censor me let me dissect this for you.
Thanks for being open to it. If you are going to attack me, at least do it with courage. This article is my article, and it is not it’s own separate entity. I can assure you I am not pushing my own morals on you. Rather, I am openly and logically engaging you, the reader, as to the real consequences of pornography. This article marks the culmination of years of intensive thought that your remarks have yet to hold a candle to. Refrain from attacking my person, and do not call me a liar. If I am a liar, your… Read more »
I take it that means you don’t want to see part 2 if you are going keep part one from seeing the light of day….
@ D.M. Beautifully said….. “Our society as a whole has become too mechanical. Interpersonal relationships and social interaction are at an all-time low whereas depression, anxiety and sexual dysfunction (which stems from all of the above) are on the exponential rise.” Yes! This is all part of what I call the de-socialization of America. Porn use is merely a symptom, I believe, of larger issues tied to this ongoing de-socialization. Many people simply lack the ability to even socialize or talk to other people. Have you ever seen a person’s cell phone ring and they start shouting. “just text or… Read more »
I really enjoy your bigger picture discussion- it adds a whole lot to the table.
As a woman, I applaud you for writing this article. I grew up in a home where my dad watched soft porn films, had a playboy subscription and went to strip clubs once a year with his buddies. My mom was “fine” with all of it, but she (and later I) were living in a world of sexual objectification and scrutiny. My mom was beautiful and voluptuous, but if she gained any weight, it was remarked and criticized. She preferred to dress modestly, but my dad wanted her in sexy outfits so he could show her off to the world.… Read more »
@ D.M. “With all due respect, your argument and examples given are weak..” I disagree, but that depends on whether people are willing to live with Hippocratic or not. It’s that hooray for me everything for me nothing for you attitude. Everything that makes life better or more pleasant for one group what does it matter what it costs someone else. If another group likes something, well that’s just wrong. I reject the authors arguments in the case of porn because I can’t apply those arguments anywhere else and if they’re good, honest, ethical, reasons, why wouldn’t you apply them… Read more »
Instead of applauding her for courageously sharing her intimate story, you focus on the infinitesimal speck of a moment that had something to do with you. Porn breeds narcissism, and you are making that abundantly clear. Can you see that? I should know because I used to be incapable of walking in a room without thinking about what everyone else was thinking about me. I trained myself to be all about me by abusing porn and concerning myself entirely with a whimpering desire to be pleased. It’s a pity because there are so many wonderful and useful things to think… Read more »
She is courageous because guys like you shame people for using porn. You might think you’re not, but you’re using shames sister guilt to do it. With the help of my favorite MMA fighter, maybe we can put the juji gatame on those other weak arguments you made further down. You can respond to any of the arguments made, but I guess you’re going to stick to the shaming.
This was incoherent. And the word shaming…I do not think it means what you think it means. You have yet to articulate wherein the article the shame lies. If you feel shameful or guilty from reading this article, that sounds like a personal problem to me…it really doesn’t belong on this thread. If you have legitimate disputes and can articulate them, by all means contribute.
“why do you get to treat a woman on the screen differently from the woman in your life?”
Fact of the matter is you’re not doing anything to her so why do you want people to think that they are? Short answer is to shame them.
D.M, thanks for courageously sharing your story. You are a heck of a woman! I appreciate the wonderful compliments on my work.
Would you mind if I used your comments for a new project- “Shout for Better Men”? It would be most helpful.
@Daniel Vela: You may certainly use them, Daniel. I know too many women frustrated by the fact their men can be found in front of their laptop masturbating versus in bed having sex with them. @John Gottman Anderson: You seem to be ignoring the truth of what porn does to both the brain and current and future relationships. There’s been studies that have proven that porn affects the grey matter of the brain not to mention that the more you watch, the more you need in order to get off because you’re so desensitized. Google porn addiction or “porn and… Read more »
@ Jules “You flat out ducked this one a la Hillary Clinton….He did not ask us men about wars, firefighting, flipping burgers..OK you did say No. Why not just leave at No?” “And what does this reply have to do with the price of tea?” The point is that there are a lot of jobs I would find inappropriate for my daughter for many different reasons. There are many jobs where people get hurt. Some of these jobs are for other peoples entertainment and many more are for their convenience / comfort. Do you really need to drive 4 blocks… Read more »
Better stop watching tv, you are using those women for your pleasure! Did you ever stop and ask yourself how many of them have to take medication to give you a show? Do you deeply involve yourself with Reese Witherspoon’s emotions?
I don’t watch TV, but I am pleased when I see a beautiful woman in real life. I even enjoy seeing beautiful women, and through their beauty I am obliged to be a better man and make more of myself. Beautiful women inspire me to give more of myself. When I harmed myself with pornography, I conditioned myself to take as much as I could without a thought of what I gave. Looking back I was a sucker, because now I have 1,000 times more joy than I did, and I am even happier because I share it freely in… Read more »
“Would it surprise you that the foremost divorce attorneys estimate 500,000 divorces a year are attributed to pornography?” 50% of marriages end in divorce. Ashlet Madison had tens of millions of subscribers. Based on what you said, we could pretty much rule out they used porn. There doesn’t have to be a divorce for a marriage to be over. “Would you be ok with your daughter performing in a pornographic film?” No, but I wouldn’t be OK with her being a soldier or putting out a wildfire. I’d be scared sh*tless. Nor would I be OK with her flipping burgers… Read more »
@ John Anderson, Talk about sophistry!!!! “50% of marriages end in divorce.” Yes, this is a cumulative metric tracked over time (years). The 500,000 number Daniel is using is at a specific point in time (one year)..So, what if 50% end in divorce? There is data which show if you are in the top 20% of household income, the divorce rate drops to around 22%. So, what? There are still 500,000 divorces that end, supposedly due to porn use. “Would you be ok with your daughter performing in a pornographic film?” You flat out ducked this one a la Hillary… Read more »
🙂
“There are still 500,000 divorces that end, supposedly due to porn use. ”
How many marriages are saved due to porn use? We can’t really tell, but if we look at the divorce rate we can tell that it has been declining since the internet has become mainstream. Yes, with the easy access to on-line porn increasing we again have an inverse association to divorce. This even though no fault divorce is accepted and getting divorced has never been easier.
http://www.statista.com/statistics/195955/divorce-rate-in-the-united-states-since-1990/
@ John Anderson,
I have seen no data on how many marriages have been saved due to porn. I am sure there are many.
Is there a strong (or even weak) causal relationship between porn and marriages rescued or saved? I don’t know. I would think, a priori, such a relationship is fairly week. So, would any correlation. Just my guess…
Gee, I could have sworn I left a comment on here. Oh wait, yeah, I did.
Jules, Thank you so much for your support, and I’m so glad that you found value in the article. I’m glad you appreciated those points, because my aim is to get men thinking about their behaviors and how they impact relationships. You are one of the lucky few who escaped! Yes, most men will deflect attention from their behaviors so that they don’t have to face uncomfortable feelings– those are the men who cry, “shame!!!” when there is no shame except how they feel inside. I agree 100% with the “vacuum” statement and that whole paragraph. In fact, I JUST… Read more »
Great piece Daniel! This article should be required reading for young boys in middle and high school. Girls too. What I most liked about your piece was how you challenged men who use porn to think about: 1) how it is adversely impacting them ,2) the consequences associated with using porn, and 3) how it impacts women. I have never been a porn user. When I was in college (pre Internet), some of the guys would want to go to the XXXX theaters to watch porn movies. I went once. I really could not understand why they got so excited.… Read more »
Daniel You have my full support. But I suggest you stop using the concept ” real man”. All adult men ,are men not two groups of humans to be diveded into : Real men and unreal mean( not men). Apart from that I love your work and I do not respect men that use porn and fail,to see its impact on both the actors and the person that watch. And frankly I do not understand why somebody can see that shame as anything to do with it . I do not see it as shameful behavior to use porn, rather… Read more »
Silke, I am loving your enthusiasm and appreciate you enormously. Our definition of men differs. I believe men are made, not born. Most cultures have rites of passages that formally bring boys into manhood and crystalizes their roles. We do not, and what it means to become a man has been lost by many modern cultures. In most societies, the coming of manhood was determined when they could bring life to the community, whatever that meant for the particular community. For a bushman tribe in Africa, this means providing meat for the community, so their rite of passage is to… Read more »
Can we please stop the shaming?
You have to explain what you mean .
I see absolutely nothing here, that makes me think that we must ask Danial to stop speaking.
What makes you see this articles as something that should never have been written?
Do you mean he should expressed himself in another way ?
Or do you think that anything he says about porn , makes users of porn feel uncomfortable ??
Or maybe you prefer not to be informed about the relationship between porn and human trafficking ?
You didn’t notice how heavily this focused on men looking at pornography and women being the victims? The problem isn’t the porn, it’s when you’re using porn as a substitute for the real thing. If porn is getting in the way of getting a date or married, that suggests that there’s a lot more trouble than the porn is responsible for. This is nothing more than feminist man-shaming. There are some good points in here to consider, but with the exception of some of the more extreme forms of pornography, most of it doesn’t apply. Also, men are on the… Read more »
Frank I do not watch porn,but obviuously there are both men and women there and children as well. And yes, men are also the victims here and I think Daniel is well aware of it . I disagree with you that it is only a problem when porn is used as a substitute for the real thing, but there maybe you and I have a different tast in how we prefer to make love and be sexually intimate . It is impossible to watch and use porn and not be influenced by it just like it is impossible to have… Read more »
@trey1963
Do you mean, “Can we please stop calling evil what it is?”