Most people my age talk about marriage or parenting or dating or topics not safe for work, but as an old soul who lives around a lot of older people I am engaged in and in awe of what each of us have to face and overcome as our journeys reach the latter half of our lives. I see a number of middle aged and senior individuals going through dramatic life changes in order to care for an aging loved one. I feel like this is a conversation that no one is sufficiently having in an openly social, affirmative manner.
First, the transition to someone aging and needing help is not always some smooth predictable decline like a lot of mainstream entertainment portrays. There are instances where every change could mean a million different things. Maybe Uncle Phil is grumpy, sometimes to the point of physical aggression, because he checked out emotionally and is grieving the loss of being a breadwinner and family rock or maybe he is in early stages of dementia and his brain is exaggerating the neurological response of what would normally have been manageable moodiness. Maybe Aunt Sally is tired Because Life or maybe she is fatigued from some horrible growth multiplying in her cells. It is challenging to discern how much help someone needs when it seems impossible to have enough information to go on and routine aging can mask new negative health declines that are not routine at all.
Second, few people seem to respect what it is like to care for aging parents in a long term manner. People seem inclined to shrug it off as Just Life or Oh Isn’t That Nice with so little recognition of what is like for roles to reverse, how boundaries change in dynamic ways, how you can continue to have a relationship with a parent and yet grieve the loss of things that used to be such a significant yet routine part of your relationship. Taking care of a parent is so much more profound than making dinner and a hug goodnight. And then as difficult and demanding as it is to go through that, to lose your parent and have them be gone isn’t a lightened load at all. As much as what you know and love has declined with that parent, having them gone altogether is still just as an immense loss. And then when you do gather yourself to the point that you think about your own feelings again, you realize how old you are now and how what your parent faced could be what is ahead of you sooner than ever.
Third, because people do not seem to generally grasp what it is like to go through this and because caring for a loved one can become so isolating, there are not always a lot of friends around. I do not understand how so many seniors who were in some ways fortunate to not grow up in an age of intense social media usage do not utilize social skills to look out for each other more. I think there is often a fear that says, “If you get too close to someone struggling their hardships will rub off on you and you’ve already got enough going on in your own life. They will be a Debbie Downer and suck you dry!” And while there are plenty of people who live up to that, there are also plenty of people who would make incredible friends as well.
As awesome as some of the lessons delivered at Mass have been, I think one of the most profound lessons I have learned about love is seeing family members care for their loved ones. To see somehow losing so much of their inner self and yet someone who loves them still successfully finds a way to bring happy moments into an unpredictable heart is a moment that leaves even rambling me speechless in awe.
Life can look a lot different the second half. But in other ways it is not that different than other ages. We are all going through life events for the first time, figuring things out, learning how to love in an intelligent connected manner, and hoping to have a few friends along the way. We need to look out for each other and encourage each other. You’ve got this!
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