I waited until I was older to have my child thinking that having life experience would help me be a better mom, but that’s definitely not so.
I wake up every morning and tell myself today will be different. It’s going to be a great day. I won’t lose my cool and yell at my son. I will be patient and mindful of my tone, and my son will respond differently.
After a few hours of outbursts, backtalk, name-calling, and flat-out disrespect by my son, I lose it, and it’s like I start to convulse words.
He knows that he’s making me upset, and frankly, he knows how to trigger me. I know that he tries to push every one of my buttons purposefully. I’m conscious of it while it’s happening, but I still lose it in the end, yell at him and send him to his room.
My mother was a single mom, and from the time I was eight, I was a latch key kid. I was home alone, cooked myself my frozen dinner, did my homework, put myself to bed, and got up in the morning to get to school on time. I was pretty much an autopilot kind of child.
I didn’t know that raising a kid was more than “just add water.”
I knew it would be more entailed than how I was raised. I wanted it to be. I wanted to be there for my child and nurture him, play games and do arts and crafts. I wanted to be a total hands-on mom.
I had no idea that my son would often act like the devil’s spawn.
My son has ADHD, and according to the developmental pediatrician, these behavioral outbursts are typical for a child with that diagnosis. I’ve read books, watched videos, and subscribed to newsletters on parenting a child with ADHD. When you are in the moment and dealing with tantrums, you are just trying to do your best to diffuse the situation and not get sucked in.
You understand that they struggle with impulse control, but while the meltdown is happening, it is easy to lose perspective.
I live with my guilt every day and ask myself how I can be a better mother. What can I do differently so my son will not get agitated? How can I stop yelling so much?
I hear stories from other moms on how amazing their children are, and I am told that their kids listen all the time. Meanwhile, I contemplate whether I should run away from home or sell my child on eBay.
I go to stores, and strangers tell me when they see the drama my son exhibits that my child is spoiled, and if their child had acted like that, they’d take a spoon to their kid’s ass. How nice.
People look at me like I must be a shitty mom if my kid acts like an ass in public. Sometimes he’s a perfect little prince, but other times I feel like I need to call in a priest to do an exorcism.
Every day I do the best I can for a child who doesn’t fit into a neat little box. Kids don’t come with instructions. We tend to compare ourselves to others and wonder why our lives aren’t like the moms from television. Certainly, Claire Huxtable would know how to deal with my kid, right?
What makes me feel like I’m the shittiest mom on earth is that everyone has something to say.
People with their blind judgment telling me how I can parent better.
They don’t know that my son has ADHD. They have no idea what’s going on in my life. They don’t know that my son has been to six different schools in four States. They don’t realize that some children have disabilities that cannot be recognized easily.
If you see another parent with a child having a meltdown, instead of judging them, maybe give them some understanding. Not all children are the same. Not everyone parents the same way.
Perhaps there is more going on than meets the eye.
Next time a mother or father is struggling to appease their child in public, instead of being critical, smile at them and try and be compassionate. I can guarantee you that parent is beating themselves up and judging themselves more harshly than you think.
We all screw up. No one is perfect. I don’t think that anyone can claim that they are doing it perfectly. Being a parent is one of the most challenging jobs ever. Let’s try and support each other.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
