I recently made a new friend. Upon first meeting, I suspected this person might be trans, because of the hairstyle, fashion choices, etc. But I didn’t ask. I focused on getting to know them as an individual.
Ultimately this is how meaningful relationships are forged — not between tribes but between individuals. We might say we love a group, but our deepest feelings are for particular people.
At least, this is what I think. I’m OK if you disagree.
And that’s really what this story is about.
Because, not knowing what my new friend wanted, I called them “she” when someone else asked us a question.
What was pretty awesome?
My friend was not offended.
We’d been talking a little about their identity because they had mentioned how their parents had reacted when they came out. And I found the story very interesting. I also shared some of my own experiences, and we had a great bonding experience.
So it was within that context that I realized — I called them by a feminine pronoun, and I had no idea if that was what they wanted. So I asked.
My friend told me what their preference was. I apologized for not getting it right and they shrugged. No big deal. They knew I would make the effort to remember their pronouns going forward.
There was no offense given or taken, no arguments or hostility.
We moved on.
Maybe it’s just me, but sometimes I think people are too quick to take offense. They forget that there are many colors in the rainbow. There used to be 120 crayons in my childhood box. If you believe in God, think how many infinite colors He has available.
I felt exasperated at how ridiculous things have gotten.
Mercedes Lackey, a novelist in her 70’s, was accused of being racist for praising a black peer. Her crime? She used the word that had been considered respectful and proper when she was a younger woman instead of the current term.
But obviously, someone who is a racist would not go out of her way to praise someone of another race in what seemed a truly heartfelt manner.
I think it would go a long way to build bridges between people — whether between men and women, non-binary people and cis, black and white, the religious and atheists, etc. — if we tried harder to tolerate and understand each other instead of being quick to jump to the worst possible interpretation.
The fact is that discrimination does exist and we should stand against it. But tolerance has to be a two-way street. If we are not willing to see someone else’s viewpoint, we will become increasingly isolated and alone.
I am glad that I made a connection with someone who is non-binary. And I will try to use the proper pronouns in future. But I am not afraid of losing my new friend if I screw up. Because they are a kind person and would not do that to me. So I can be open without fear, and we can actually have a meaningful relationship based on trust.
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This post was previously published on Shefali O’Hara’s blog.
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Photo credit: iStock
Thank you for making this simple but important point. I totally agree that people these days are much too quick to take offense. Words spoken in a good spirit should be received in a good spirit, even if an innocent mistake was made in word choice or pronoun usage. We should be looking for ways to connect more deeply and truly with each other, not reasons to condemn each other.