I still remember my first heartbreak, like a particularly vivid nightmare. It was the summer of 2010. I just returned from my semester abroad. The day before the breakup, we had a fight. He knocked on my door, and I asked if he was there to apologize. He wasn’t. The person, who once looked at me like I was the most magical thing he had ever seen, was telling me he did not love me anymore.
“I am sorry, I thought I still had feelings, I just don’t anymore,” he said, coldly and with conviction.
He informed me that he spent over a month privately brooding over his fading feelings. It felt like my world was collapsing. The time afterwards is a blur of white nights, clubbing, meaningless relationships. Despite my best numbing efforts, the pain declined to depart. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. Joy refused to fill me.
It took me years to get over it, and it ruined some my consequent relationship attempts.
Today, a couple more years later, I have better coping mechanisms. I still spiral into negative thoughts, but now I have the infrastructure to snap out of it.
In a relationship you get to know another person.
A breakup on the other hand; brings you closer to yourself.
Time is the ultimate healer, but you are not powerless. You don’t have to sit a heartbreak out in pain. You have the power to speed up the healing process. You have the power to refuse to succumb to negative patterns.
You can decide to be very conscious about your coping mechanisms. To not let a breakup break you. Let’s be real, none of us has years, months, not even weeks to spare for intense suffering, or victimhood.
Here is how to heal:
Let yourself feel miserable. But put a time limit on it.
This is important. Bottling up your feelings will only delay the healing process. Acting like you don’t care, jumping head first back into the dating pool. Parties, meaningless dates. Calling your ex, crying from the living room floor of the rebound. That got weirdly specific, but you know what I mean.
I am not saying you are not allowed to do these things. If you feel like a night out would help, then go for it! But be aware, that you are doing it. Be aware of the hurt.
You are allowed to mourn, eat copious amounts of ice cream, and cry and scream into the void. Hell, invite a few friends over and scream together while holding hands. Who cares? Whatever makes you feel better. But don’t forget the time limit.
Feeling miserable is valid. But promise to stop it after it has run it’s course.
Recognize that nobody else is responsible for your emotional well-being.
Your partner is not responsible for your emotional well-being. You are not dependent on anyone to make you feel balanced, whole, happy. You are your own person, a strong, loving, lovable person.
Your addiction to their presence prevents you from seeing life beyond them as something to look forward to.
Get addicted to your own glorious presence. After all, you are the only constant in your life.
Allow yourself to be vulnerable.
This won’t be easy. Allow yourself to exist in a space of vulnerability. Acknowledge the hurt. Be gentle with yourself. You will likely have physical symptoms of stress after a breakup. Cortisol will run amok in your system after the shock. That feeling of your heart sinking? Your chest hurting, headaches, stiff shoulders? Tummy aches? Good old stress hormones.
In this phase, it is paramount that you do not mask your feelings. Rejection, saying goodbye to a lover is a very powerful negative emotion. Emotional pain is a healthy response. If managed wisely, you can learn, and not repeat old patterns in new relationships. Whatever the case, dulling the pain, and distraction will only impair recovery.
Repeat : “This too shall pass.”
Create a soothing environment
In this environment; journal, delete photos, or put memories away in a box. Or burn them. Whatever makes you feel better. Make sure not to involve your ex in these activities.
This is about you, not them.
What is always a good idea is to write them a letter, and burn it. Like a ritual. Sage them out of your life. Or practice loving kindness meditation, while letting them go. “ May you be happy, may you be free from suffering, may you be healthy….” Do liberating things. Disconnect, sit with your emotions. Go for a long run, hike, rock climbing, whatever helps you zone out, and process. This is about you, and only you. Do whatever helps you let go.
ACCEPT that it is over
Humans, when their heart gets broken go through all stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, an upward turn of reconstruction, and finally; acceptance.
Accept that it is over. No self-loathing. Only self-reflection. Forgive yourself, forgive your ex.
Breakups are far from being a democratic decision. More often, than not; is a ruthless, one-sided affair. And it really sucks when it is not you, who doesn’t have feelings anymore. I know you must have a million questions why. It does not matter.
You are the only person that can give you closure.
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free
Rebirth of the new, glorious you
Kintsugi. The beautiful Japanese art of putting broken pottery pieces together with golden glazing. Embrace the imperfect, the history, and fill it with gold. Breaking is nothing more, but an event in your life. It does not define you. Mend your heart as an act of rebellion.
Make sure, that you do not drag the hurt of past relationships into a next one.
The truth is, if a relationship is over, something was not working. In the end, it is liberating to be free from someone, that did not make you feel appreciated, someone, that did not match your energy.
Remember, that you do not have to beg anyone for respect, for time together. You are not to be taken for granted. Hold yourself to the highest of standards in life, let go of limiting beliefs. Forgive yourself, love yourself.
Create space for someone that looks at you gently; and tells you that your scars are beautiful. And that someone can be you too.
—
Photo by Allie Smith on Unsplash
Originally published on Medium.