I don’t have many regrets in my life.
Seriously, I don’t.
Here are but a few:
- I regret never speaking to that girl in 11th grade history class who was clearly eyeballing me.
- I regret sharing my feelings with that woman in my gym who I was crazy about.
- I regret not seeing the Allman Brothers Band play live.
- I regret not getting a chance to see any of Alabama’s National Championship Games live.
Okay, I have a lot of regrets. If I listed all the regrets I have, this would be one boring article.
But out of the many regrets I have, this may be the biggest.
- I regret never being able to put a signed copy of Written in the Stone in the hands of my parents.
Maybe not so much with my mom because she had been gone well before I published Stone. But absolutely with my Dad.
After accomplishing a lifelong dream, I never got to hear these words from my Dad: “I’m so proud of you, son. I knew you could do it.”
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My dad passed away with an unopened copy of the WITS manuscript in his email inbox. I was so excited for him to read it, but he never did.
Until we closed that email account, that email remained unopened.
I was so excited for him to read it. I was so excited to share that with him.
But he never read it. It was like he didn’t care.
I have been told second hand “he was so proud of you. He just wanted to read the final version.”
Why couldn’t I have heard that?
Over the next few weeks, this space is going to be dedicated to healing some pretty deep wounds so that I can create the rest of my life on my terms.
And I believe you can get something out of reading about my process as well.
I recently finished reading a remarkable book that got me present to the depth of some of these wounds. This was in addition to a few recent coaching sessions confronting this stuff.
The book is Struggle for Intimacy by the late psychologist and researcher Janet Woititz.
Dr. Woititz compiled a list of 13 characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics (of which I am.) Here’s #9 on that list:
Adult Children of Alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation.
First of all, I can’t tell you how deeply I related to that bullet point. I mean, that is me!
Second, let me tell you how deeply I related.
I think the biggest thing I regret out of my Dad never reading my manuscript was feeling the pride and the love from him that I did a big thing.
I mean, writing and publishing a book was only a dream I had since I was 10 years old. It was a big damn deal.
I need to hear these words. I need to feel these words. I need to experience these words. But I’m never going to hear these words from my Dad in this lifetime.
After accomplishing a lifelong dream, I never got to hear these words from my Dad.
“I’m so proud of you, son. I knew you could do it.”
Don’t get me wrong, I believe my Dad WAS proud of me. But I never heard those words, and that really cut like a dagger.
But then again, I had no idea that my Dad’s body was eaten up with cancer until after he died. I thought that he passed away from complications to diabetes.
Nope. I was even denied that truth.
In all seriousness, I believe this insatiable need for validation points to a bigger stop in my projects. And that stop is that I don’t know how to find the motivation within my own soul to create a life at 10.
For me.
It’s time for King Ryan to out himself. It’s time for me to clear the air about some things that are very important to me.
For 2018, I have four main projects that I’m working on.
- Expanding my coaching practice.
- Creating an empowered and powerful relationship with money.
- Creating a romantic relationship.
- Publishing my second book.
There are smaller goals within each of these projects. But that’s been the focus of my 2018 so far.
Here’s the what’s so.
I’ve been single since Barack Obama had dark hair. I’ve had a shitty relationship with money from the beginning of time. I only took on that money project because I got talked into it by my coach. And the only reason I want a coaching practice is that I want to prove to myself that it was okay that I spent all that money and time on my training program.
The only project I had any confidence in at all was my writing project.
Notice the disempowering contexts? I mean, Helen Keller could see the disempowering context.
I took on all these projects because I was seeking out validation and affirmation. I didn’t care about how I saw myself – I only wanted others to be proud of me.
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I’m doing all these things because I want people to be proud of me. I want a thriving coaching practice to prove to myself that I didn’t waste all the time and money I spent. I want a girlfriend so that I can have people talking about me “Hey, even Ryan’s sorry ass can get a girl.” And I want the new book because it’s the only thing I do well, so I might as well flaunt it.
I took on all these projects because I was seeking out validation and affirmation. I didn’t care about how I saw myself – I only wanted others to be proud of me.
Well, that’s no more!
Guys, if you want that big life I always talk about, there are a few things to remember. And these are things I’m taking on in my daily existence.
These may sound harsh, but sometimes the truth is harsh.
These were also truths I was never taught as a kid. But why not learn them as a 41-year-old kid?
It matters not if anyone likes you
It matters not if anyone loves you
It matters not if anyone is proud of you
It matters not if anyone approves of you
There’s only one person who matters if they like you, love you, is proud of you, or approves of you.
That person is you!
These characteristics aren’t exclusive of ACOA. But I speak of them in this context.
You can live life to serve others. But it isn’t selfish to look out for yourself.
In fact, it’s selfless to look out for yourself and approve of yourself.
It’s the most loving thing you can do for yourself.
I’m looking to fill four seats in Royal Hearts Coaching in the month of April. Now’s the time to level up your life and claim your crown.
Email [email protected] to set up a sample coaching session and see if a relationship with a coach can support you to learn to approve of yourself on a deeper level.
Want to know something wild? I’ve created big results in all of those project areas lately. I mean, wait’ll I tell you about the writer’s conference I’m participating in this Summer.
Here’s the punchline: the people who don’t seek out the validation and approval are the ones who get it.
People who try to be impressive and wow you are kind of annoying.
Consider this line from the film Swingers: “we gotta look like we don’t need this shit, and then they give us the shit for free.”
I’m a badass of love. I’m creating a big life for me. And if you want to show me some love for it, I’ll take it.
But I don’t need it.
And you know what? You’re a badass who can create any damn thing you want to create.
You’re so money and you don’t even know it.
Photo by Don C. Salazar