“I just don’t want to be single anymore.”
That’s what one of my friends told me the other day when I asked her why she was so obsessed with getting into a relationship.
The truth is that my friend is just lonely. She has been single for a while, and she has unfortunately tied her sense of self-worth to being in a relationship. In other words, she wants a relationship for the wrong reasons.
A relationship is a serious investment. Before entering one, you need to be sure that you’re entering for the right reasons. It’s important to check in with yourself and see whether you’re truly ready to bring another person into your life.
Otherwise, the relationship is bound to fail.
***
A Cure for Loneliness
It’s common for people to enter a relationship because they don’t want to feel lonely anymore.
If you think as well that a relationship will cure your loneliness, you might not realize that you can be in a relationship and still feel lonely as hell. Loneliness is an inner feeling and has more to do with the relationship you have with yourself, regardless of whether you’re single or not.
When you don’t feel comfortable with yourself, when you can’t enjoy your own company, you won’t feel completely comfortable in a relationship either.
If you think about it, the relationships we form with others are a reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves.
If you dread being alone, it is likely you have an unhealthy relationship with yourself, which, in turn, means that you’ll form unhealthy relationships with other people. You might think that you need to find a partner, when in reality, what you need is to fix the relationship you have with yourself.
As philosopher, author, and founder of the School of Life Alain de Botton explains:
“Being satisfied with being single is a precondition of satisfactory coupledom. We cannot choose wisely when remaining single feels unbearable. We have to be utterly at peace with the prospect of many years of solitude in order to have any chance of forming a good relationship.”
When to enter a relationship instead: When you feel comfortable with yourself. When you can enjoy your own company. When you’ve stopped associating singlehood with loneliness. When you’ve reached that place where you can be as happy when you’re single as when you’re in a relationship.
You Want to Boost Your Self-Esteem
If you’re in that kind of place where you don’t feel good about yourself, you might be thinking to get into a relationship with someone who will boost your self-esteem and make you feel more attractive, confident, and interesting.
However, relationships that begin in this way rarely work because:
- they are dysfunctional from the beginning
- low self-esteem always sabotages relationship one way or another (you can learn more about that here)
- you might become overly dependent on your partner and lose yourself
As Professor Aaron Ben-Ze’ev explains in his article in Psychology Today, tying your relationship to your self-worth is unhealthy, because:
“Indeed, it has been found that relationship-contingent self-esteem is an unhealthy form of self-esteem, whereby the partner’s minor negative deeds are exaggerated through being considered as relevant to our own self-esteem. In these circumstances, self-esteem is low and often is connected to dependency on our partner, feeling incompetent, lacking care and love from one’s partner, and is associated with an emotional roller-coaster.”
When to enter a relationship instead: When you’ve faced your flaws, regrets, and fears, and have come to terms with them. When you’ve accepted all of yourself, and you want to find a partner who will accept and love you for who you are.
***
You Expect Someone to Make You Happy
A very common, yet toxic belief people have about relationships is that a romantic partner can bring you the happiness you crave so much.
The media has done its best to convince us all that being single equals being sad and miserable, whereas being in a relationship magically makes all your pain and loneliness go away.
Deep down, however, we all know the truth: happiness depends upon ourselves. It is always an inside job. Being in a relationship and having someone to love and support you in difficult times certainly makes life more beautiful, but you can’t count on a romantic partner to make you happy.
In other words, a relationship can add happiness to your life, but it cannot be the sole reason for your happiness.
The more you depend on a partner for your happiness, — and the more they will fail at fulfilling this task — the more unhappy and unfulfilled you’ll feel yourself.
As psychotherapist Douglas LaBier states in his article in PsychologyToday:
“If you’re not living a life that generates happiness and fulfillment to begin with, then being in a relationship in itself won’t change that. It could even make things worse.”
When to enter a relationship instead: When you’ve learned to search within for happiness and not depend on other people to add beauty to your life.
***
To Sum It Up…
Why do you want a relationship?
This is a crucial question to ask before entering one. If you identify with one of the above reasons, you might want to rethink your decision to make it official with someone.
Unfortunately, I’ve witnessed many friends and acquaintances forming relationships with people they had nothing in common, in hopes that the latter could make them feel less lonely, help them fix their self-esteem, or make them happy.
Do you know where the majority of them ended up? Single and feeling even worse about themselves.
Relationships add beauty and excitement to our lives, but before getting into one, you need to make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons. Not because you want to stop feeling lonely. Not in order to boost your self-esteem and certainly not because you’re in search of happiness.
But rather, because you want to love someone, and be equally loved as well.
—
Previously Published on Medium.
***
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
 |
 |
 |
 |
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: iStock
