Does Kindness Live in Your Marriage?

“Kindness and politeness are not overrated at all. They’re underused.”

– Tommy Lee Jones

I was reading an article the other day about a Science of Happiness course taught at the University of Bristol. The professors identified 80 or so psychological interventions shown to improve an individual’s well-being. One of those is acts of kindness.

I happened on this article a few days after replying to comments on my YouTube channel. In response to my video Are You Married but Sleeping on the Couch?, one wife wrote, “Yes…but I do not care…he is nasty anyway.”  NOT a lot of kindness happening in that marriage.

And that makes me sad.

It doesn’t occur to me, or to my husband, not to be kind to each other.

I’m not going to say it’s all sunshine and roses. We disagree. We sometimes snark at each other. But mostly, we are kind and respectful.

After twenty years as a Marriage and Family Therapist, mainly specializing in marriage, I am no longer surprised by how unkind spouses can be to each other. But it always makes me sad.

I often wonder how the couple got so off track. Are they this way with everyone? Or just each other?

I get it. It can be very difficult to be kind to someone who isn’t being kind to you.

But, if my wife said to a complete stranger that I was “nasty”, I would want to know what’s going on. I wouldn’t like her thinking that way. But the answer isn’t to respond in kind. That would only reinforce her perspective.

Being kind in the face of unkindness is a superpower. It has the potential to completely change your relationship. Because it isn’t a case of whether your wife deserves your kindness, it’s that you and your marriage do.

If you respond to her unkindness with unkindness of you own, it diminishes you. And it will destroy your marriage.

In addition, when you respond consistently with kindness, it gives you the standing to address her lack of kindness to you. But if you both are wallowing in the mud, dirt will rightfully stick to you too.

No one can make you be unkind. You choose to be that way or not.

And if you choose kindness to your wife, you will change the tone of your relationship.

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Previously Published on The Hero Husband Project and is republished on Medium.

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