Your reality check for the day —
Every person you date is going to have at least one thing.
I mean one thing that you wish you could change about them.
They are an incredible person otherwise, but this one aspect of their personality, history, or interests just gets to you.
“He would be just perfect if it weren’t for…”
Pick your poison. Fill in the blank.
So many couples start their dating relationships with the hope or aspiration of changing their partner.
We hope that, over time, love will somehow transform them into becoming more of the person we want them to be.
While relationships do change us, we cannot enter into them with the hopes or expectations of changing or “fixing” our partners.
A common cause for relationship dissatisfaction is unmet expectations.
In many cases, this is due to the unmet expectation that he (or she) will change. It’s the attitude of:
“You might feel this way now, but just you wait, I’ll change your mind.”
The difficult thing is that to some degree, we do change our partners. And sometimes that change can be surprising. Our selfish priorities shift, certain things become less of a big deal, and we suddenly find the motivation to kick those bad habits.
Some changes can be for good.
Healthy, positive change isn’t always so common, though.
A lot of the time, a couple will eventually break up due to irreparable differences.
It also depends on the degree to which compromise is possible. If it comes down to living habits or small things, it could be possible to reach a place of compromise or peace with your partner’s differences.
However, if the difference in attitude is so large that it causes unresolved conflict time and time again, it is not going to be an enjoyable relationship overall.
When it comes to changing your partner, here are three things to consider.
Does your partner want to change for themselves?
If they have harmful attitudes, understandings, or personality flaws, are they open to working on themselves? Are they open to growing and maturing to better their relationships with you and others?
If so, you can work with them to inspire that change. You can find ways to encourage them on the things that they could be doing better.
But, if they see nothing wrong with their approaches or attitudes, there will be no changing them. There will be no resolution when someone refuses to admit that they have room for improvement in the first place.
Change that only takes place for another will inevitably lead to resentment and dissatisfaction.
A person must change for themself first, and the benefits of that change will bless those around them.
Do you both value the relationship enough to compromise?
There are certain things that no one should compromise on if they want to be in a truly happy and fulfilling relationship.
There are also things that are worth compromising on.
At this point, it becomes a question of whether or not both parties involved value the relationship enough that they are willing to bend to the needs of the other.
The important thing is that compromise should never be one-sided.
It should never be one person making all of the adjustments while the other person remains perfectly content without changing a thing.
Compromise takes two.
If the person never changes, would you still be with them?
If he never loses the weight, never quits smoking, or never stops screaming at the TV during playoff season…would you still want to be with him?
If she never stops being overly emotional about your ex-girlfriend or never stops leaving hair in the bathroom sink…would you still want to be with her?
If you can confidently say that if they don’t change you don’t want to be with them long-term, that is a huge sign that this is not the relationship for you.
If you can acknowledge that they may never change in a certain area but you still want to be with them regardless, you’re in a much healthier place.
Final thoughts
Not all change in relationships is negative but it is important that we never go into a commitment with the expectation of changing our partners.
Remember — we are people to be loved and appreciated, not projects to be “fixed.”
If you can’t love the person for who they are today, let them go.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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