Sometimes a hero’s beloved doesn’t want to be loved, which makes the hero lament the lack of lovin’.
Once upon a time… there was a hungry man who loved pie. He married a beautiful woman who made the best pie in the world. He could smell each pie before she even told him she was baking one, and when she’d cut the first slice, his mouth watered in anticipation. The filling always looked so warm and inviting he just had to have a bite, or at least dip his finger in it for a quick taste. The woman loved making the pies, loved sharing them with the man, and loved that he loved her pie. After eating the pie, the man usually took a nap and felt full for at least a few hours, but mostly he spent his days thinking about the next pie from his beloved.
One day, the man got home and caught a familiar whiff of scrumptious pie coming from the kitchen. As he approached, his beloved heard his steps and cried out:
“Stay out of the kitchen!”
“Wherefore, my beloved! Are you in peril?”
“No. Just don’t come in here.”
“But I smell pie. My favorite kind. Shall we feast together as usual?”
“It’s not for you. Just stay out.”
Disheartened, the man reversed course without entering the kitchen, confused by the aroma of the forbidden pie, but wishing to spare his beloved any further agitation. A while later, she emerged from the kitchen holding a freshly-baked, mouth-watering masterpiece of a pie, with one perfect slice already cut.
“Oh my sweet!” cried the man, “This was worth the wait. I beg forgiveness for my earlier haste. Let us now sit and enjoy this most perfect of pies together!”
“I told you—it’s not for you.”
“But … you vex me woman. If not for me, then is it for the Royal Gallery? It would be a tragedy not to partake of this pie, but then again, it would also be a tragedy to destroy such art as this by consuming it.”
“No, it’s just going to sit here for a while, then I’m putting it down the disposal.”
“Alas! How could you forsake such a divine gift as this pie? I forbid it!”
“Tough shit. It’s not your pie.”
“O, sweet agony! Pray thee let me sit here and gaze at it if I am forbidden to touch it.”
“I’d rather you didn’t. In fact, I’m taking it back into the kitchen while I warm up the disposal. You stay out here.”
“Cruel, cruel fate! Will I ever have pie again, or do you plan to starve me?”
“Maybe. If I feel like it. I dunno. I might be hungry for pie again in a month or so, but seriously, I’m feeling pretty much finished with pie for a while.
The crestfallen man asked one more question before his beloved got to the doors of the kitchen:
“Darling, my precious, if I’m forbidden even a taste of your delectable pie, do you mind if I look at the pictures in ‘Pie Monthly’ and pretend to eat for a while? I’m still very hungry.”
“Asshole.” With that, the man’s beloved returned to the kitchen with her perfect pie, never to be seen or tasted again.
THE END
♦◊♦
I composed that story as one of the few active male participants in an online discussion mostly populated by pregnant women, including my wife. They were commiserating about how annoying it was when their husbands couldn’t seem to keep their hands off their tender breasts or other parts when they felt so thoroughly unsexy. My sympathy was tempered by the feeling that I didn’t like being cast as a selfish horndog (along with those other husbands) for still having the same desires and not being able to tell when advances that had a history of being welcomed would be considered annoyances through no fault of my own. Saying it that way would have been sexual suicide (remember, my wife was reading), so I went with that story accompanied by the following epilogue:
“To sum up: we husbands get that you don’t care about pie as much as us, but unfortunately, we’re hungry most of the time and you control the pie. We can’t help ourselves reaching for a slice sometimes even if you aren’t serving it up. If we can’t have the pie, we’ll sometimes reach for the cupcakes (which are yummy in their own right.) We don’t mean to annoy, we’re just very hungry. You can help out by giving us a little slice of something to take the edge off now and again, even if it’s not quite that full serving of pie we long for.”
♦◊♦
I got laughs, but no pie or cupcakes.
—Photo TheCulinaryGeek/Flickr
Aw.
Man, this was pure fuc*ing genius! 😀
Applauses and accolades!
This is one of the many topics, demonstrating men and women don’t seem being “designed” to live together.
It’s hard to get into the mood for pie when you don’t feel sexy in your apron. It’s unfair to deny someone pie, but it is also unfair to accuse the other for denying it for no reason. You have to understand that a woman doesn’t just suddenly stop feeling like making pie. It may seem sudden to you, but it wasn’t for her. There are a lot of factors going into the statement “I don’t feel like pie right now.” She might feel like her pie isn’t adequate or as delicious to you anymore because she’s not as young… Read more »
Awesome, Steph.
Steph – I agree with all you said, but I wonder about one thing.
Some people love pie and for them that is the biggy! But so often, pie comes with whipped cream on top and that makes it special and ever so appetizing! It can so often be what gets put on top of the hot pie that is mouth watering!
Often things can compliment and end up being more than the sum of their parts.
It reminds me of a TV advert from the 1990’s – which had sales rocketing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcYKeWv5goc
You’ll notice that the woman in the story didn’t offer any explanation for her sudden change in habits; she simply said “No, I don’t feel like it–and I may not feel like it any more for a long, long time. Quit bothering me.”
Now, maybe she DOES have a reason for her change in behavior. But if so, she has an obligation to say what it is.
Well – pie making is a big issue!
I noted that someone didn’t ask about the reasons for no pie – but they did ask about drooling over pie monthly!
There is a time and place to ask the right questions – and even times when asshole is the only correct response! P^)
Tell me about it…
You know there are few things in this world that I luv more then a tall glass of lightly sweetened apple juice and a modest wedge of pecan pie. It’s the perfect balance of tartness, crunch..sweetness…and….
Oh..Your not talking about Pie (Pie) are you….
Oh God!?…This is s000oo Wrong, shame on you all!
It wasn’t necessary to explain. The context makes it obvious. Read again about where it was posted, and why.
I doubt many pregnant women are shy about telling their partners why they don’t want to have sex at whatever given moment.
Love, lust, and entitlement.
The beloved doesn’t want to not be loved. She simply doesn’t want to have sex at the moment. Communication is key.
Furthermore, if the ‘hero’ bothered to stop for a moment, and even briefly consider doing something to arouse her passions (baking a delicious pie for her is out of the question?), perhaps his problems might be solved. Then again, it’s much easier to just turn to pornography.
Allegories are a great way to get the message across, BUT….
It’s a BIG BUT – HUGE – MASSIVE!
…, BUT not when the person who is hearing it recognizes it’s based on them!
Then you get hit with you don’t need to teach me and I’m no fool at the same time! You’ll just have to fore go sweet pie and take the savory! The problem is both have calories!
Allegories are like that – a moment on the lips and a life time of eating disorder related calorie intake afterwards.
Some call it middle aged spread! P^)
Very funny stuff, Marcus–and an apt analogy too. I like your writing!
This a such a sweet story! (Pun intended!) Now I have a tremendous urge to go bake a delicious pie for my boyfriend… And then maybe have some sex…. Mmmmm.
Dammit, now I want pie.
Right?!