Several years ago a colleague introduced me to Cindy Pury, a professor and courage researcher at Clemson University. During our first meeting on Skype, I asked her what I assumed was a simple and straightforward question: “How has interpersonal courage been researched?” Her eyes looked up as if she were searching for an answer. Her response came slowly: “It’s never been studied.” I felt stunned: “Really. How come it hasn’t been?” She replied, “No one has proposed this possibility. Moral and physical courage have been studied for decades.” I mused out loud: “It seems odd to me that no one has studied what is most obvious and necessary in daily life. People face many circumstances, both personal and professional, where they need courage to express themselves.” She wholeheartedly agreed. Long story short, she and I agreed to do some research on interpersonal courage in the workplace. I’ll share more about that in a future blog.
Intrapersonal courage has not been researched either. It takes courage to look within and explore aspects of ourselves that we simply wish weren’t there. Remaining unaware of these aspects has been far more the rule than the exception for human beings. We’re generally more aware of other people’s “issues” than our own. This propensity was even noted in the Bible: “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?” One of the fun and telling research articles I read on self-awareness is entitled “Why Everyone (Else) is a Hypocrite.” Facing ourselves—beauty, warts, and all—does take courage.
After reading a good amount of the actual courage research, I came to conceptualize courage as the confluence and interplay between six related but distinct dimensions:
- Values
- Goals
- Risks
- Confidence
- Choice
- Action
All courage flows through the portal of values. What is most important to us? What do we want for ourselves and in our relationships? Values inform and give shape to our goals and ultimately motivate us to take action. Several different values can influence us to take action. For example, when we want to be in a long-term relationship, we may be motivated by the values of love, connection, security, and/or sex. Obviously, finding a partner becomes an initial goal. At the same time, we experience some risk in going for this goal. For example; being ignored, humiliated, or rejected. Not fun.
In my counseling and coaching practice, I’ve worked with quite a lot of folks who experience anxiety about writing and, more significantly, placing their profile (including picture) on online dating sites. The fear of being ignored (no one responds or the wrong people do), humiliated (people do respond but during the date, they’re barely looking at you and instead are scanning the room for better options), or rejected (they say thanks but no thanks).
Given the inherent risks in going for anything that feels both important and vulnerable, we do need to have some confidence. Confidence can be understood by breaking down the word. The root of con means with, while the root of fidence means faith. We have a certain faith that things will work out if we take action. This faith leads us to make a choice to take action to move forward on our goals.
You can understand any significant life endeavor through this courage formula. I’ve worked with numerous people involved in business startups. These entrepreneurs are informed by values like making a difference and contributing to society, creating wealth, being independent, expressing creativity, building a cool culture, and/or being seen as important or relevant, but there are always risks involved. Failure may not feel like an option but it is certainly a possibility. The uncertainty of achieving goals like making payroll, getting angel or VC money, bringing in talent, and/or reaching the next development level often triggers anxiety.
You may want to spend some time reflecting on what’s most important to you. It helps to write it down. What goal/s do or could you have in relation to any or all of these values? What risks do you imagine are associated with going for your goals? One way of examining risk is to ask yourself, “What’s the worst that could happen?” “And if this were to occur, what’s so bad about that?” You can keep asking yourself this question until you dig down to your deeper experience which always lands in the territory of threat. I’ve found that these threats are inevitably tied to survival issues. Ultimately it’s always about whether or not you believe you could cope with things not working out as you’d like.
Throughout Ultimate Courage, we’re going to refer to this courage formula in regards to the five core questions I mentioned in my first artocle:
- Who am I?
- Where am I going?
- What influences or inspires me to go there?
- How am I going to get there?
- What could stop me?
In addition, we’ll look through the lens of male psychology. The next blog will begin to address the first question: “Who am I?” I appreciate taking this journey with you.
—
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project, please join like-minded individuals in The Good Men Project Premium Community.
◊♦◊
◊♦◊
Get the best stories from The Good Men Project delivered straight to your inbox, here.
◊♦◊
◊♦◊
Sign up for our Writing Prompts email to receive writing inspiration in your inbox twice per week.
—
Photo credit: Getty Images