For abuse survivor Rob Brown, the recent confession in the 1979 case of Etan Patz elicits a strong sense of brotherhood between one man who was allowed to grow up, and the boy who was not.
We were all talking about you. We were getting ready and dealing with the excitement and anxieties surrounding High School graduation. We were getting ready for a waiting life. You were unique to us Etan. We had never been fed such desperate and dire information before…never dealt with a “missing child;” certainly not the way your disappearance was managed. The contrast between us and you was glaringly obvious.
It seemed that everyone in the Northeast was involved in a bit of hand-wringing for your safe return that had to come soon. It just had to! After all, you can’t just “disappear.” You can’t just vanish so darned close to your home! How could it happen so very close? You were barely out the door Etan. Your mother ensured the right direction was begun, assurances were traded and proudly you marched straight to the bus for the first time on your own. With a dollar clutched in your little hand, it seems perhaps you diverted slightly to buy yourself a soda.
♦◊♦
My mother said that you’d be returned soon, while she showed disgust in the TV News and their sensationalism. “How can they bother his family like this?” We discussed the possibilities: wrong bus was boarded, you panicked and ran-off, bullies, and then the scariest of theories; kidnapped.
I was naive enough to not even know what anyone would want with you. I did not know a child would be just snatched-up off the street for “that.” I certainly knew first-hand what “that” was, but never thought about it happening to another child, and certainly not through a random grab off the street.
With this horrid realization, Etan, we became brothers of sort. I was fully befuddled that such a thing could happen to a little guy like you, by a likely stranger who would just take what he wanted. I knew first-hand the world was tough and evil, but not to a little guy like you. It was all too unimaginable a possibility.
♦◊♦
This past weekend, I came to know what 33-years truly feels like. You became a time capsule in my life and in many others’. I do not like being transported back to my young years, and I certainly did not expect you would do that to me. But if anyone is worthy of me taking a truly painful trek, it’s you, buddy.
You returned into our lives in recent days crushed my heart. Seeing your picture combined with perfect recount of “those days” was more than I could handle. The therapists and trauma-savvy call it “triggering” of historic, stored emotions and memories. I prefer to call the resurrection of your story “devastating.”
Whatever healing, separating, and denial I had built-up between us was shattered. I was transported straight back to horrid memories of my abuse. Vivid images of your frantic days replayed in my head over and over again. Everything replayed. Every emotion came back for blood; the cruelest being our brotherhood in pain.
There are very powerful and special connections between abuse survivors and victims in this world. When we become aware of another like ourselves emotional barriers turn to dust. We may not be able to cry for ourselves or feel our own tragic days any longer, but when we learn of another child in similar peril, our hearts lay open for the raven’s peck.
Yes, I am in unbearable pain over you, over the arrest, over the (supposedly) true story of what really happened so very close to your home. Yes, your picture has my tears flowing like rain again. But I am seeing hard evidence that life actually goes on. That’s a realization I’ve previously not fully embraced.
♦◊♦
33-years to the day of your disappearance the monster placed himself in police custody. He divulged the details of the day that we don’t want to hear, but you had to live through. If that is not clear evidence to the level of horror you experienced, nothing is. That always brought me dark confusion; when people refuse to listen to details that a child had to experience.
And, on the very same day, your sister (whom you never met) graduated from Harvard University in Boston. So much life went on without you. Its incomprehensible until a time-capsule like you is revisited.
So much life went on, Etan. We still have a brotherhood in pain. I am sadly witness again to the pain one monster can inflict, but they are pains that would never be realized without a world of love radiating from more places than you’ll ever count.
I’ll never understand why and how the world does not stop in its tracks when dealing with a hurt or missing child, but be assured, you were so very much loved and worth all the resources any city could muster.
Editor’s Note: If you are in need of a resource in dealing with the trauma of revelations about Etan Patz or your own abuse, please reach out for help with a professional or with an online resource like MaleSurvivor.org or RAINN.
Photo: Wikipedia
A raw an emotive article, I’m sorry for what you went through, no being should ever go through that. It’s amazing how empathy and memories can swing together and send us on emotional roller coasters.
Thank-you for your article, the more we all speak out the more support we shall build.
I ought to mention another excellent resource for anyone in need of help, or wishing to help ending child abuse: http://www.StopItNow.org
DAs are not likely to respond to letters from over-the-transom, but he sure will read them. He deserves recognition Eirik! Thank you for pointing that out.
Mr Vance is a saint for taking this on.
Robbie – Thank you for writing such a wonderful and heart-felt piece. It’s rather amazing that while young victims have been ignored so recently in the Penn State scandal – the crimes they endured swept under the rug – this case was not allowed to be forgotten even after over three decades. Of course, we do not know the nature or motive of the assault – no evidence exists despite putative speculations, and to my knowledge no indication of motive has yet been described by investigators. It has been mentioned that the suspect has a long history of mental illness,… Read more »
This was wrenching to read. Back in 1979 I didn’t believe such overt and criminal child-snatching was possible, not in a big, densely populated city like New York. Like so many of my friends and neighbors, we awaited word that Etan had been found and returned to his parents, but of course that never happened, and the recently confessed “murderer” may or may not have been responsible for the senseless and tragic act he’s to be tried for. Child abuse can take many forms—obviously less extreme than the fate of Etan Patz. And the worst aspect of this issue is… Read more »
Beyond my comprehension Merv. I’ll never claim to understand what drives the monsters. It eats me up that severe pain and abuse is going on right this very minute, and we realistically can’t save one victim.
Isolation is the monster’s best weapon. They ensure secrecy. Cultural factors are leveraged to prevent reporting. Shame and blame are falsely assigned to set the silence on cruise-control.
In too many cases, the isolation itself becomes too much for the victim to handle.
Robert, I am resident in Sydney, Australia & have been following Etan’s case ever since I came across it many years ago. I cannot say that I have ever shared any of your experiences, but the power of the photos of little Etan (full of so much life, potential & innocence) has always saddened me greatly. There has never been one person to whom I have shown the photos that has not been similarly affected. Thank you so much for this awesome piece … sad, respectful, beautiful. I wish you only great things, Robert, & RIP Prince Etan.
Yeah Ronnie; He makes one beautiful picture of vibrant and abundant life. His life simply radiates from any or his pictures. I wish there were no pain assigned to him…wish none of us new his name…never heard of any such case.
How does anyone even dare touch him?
1 in 4 girls, and 1 in 6 boys, will be sexually abused before the age of 18. I’ve heard it said that the world is good at getting that in the abstract (“Yeah, wow, 1 in 4. 1 in 6.”) but terrible at it in the specific (“THIS kid? THIS person abusing him? No way.”), and there is plenty of evidence pointing to that being pretty true, in the way that lots and lots and lots of people don’t take action when they suspect something isn’t right. It’s our job, as grown-ups, to protect children from sexual abuse–whether perpetrated… Read more »
If reader/survivor/victims can come away with only one thing from any of my articles, I hope its that they ought never claim ownership or shame for what happened. I thought my case was different given the age of the perpetrators (4 years older than me), and that I clearly HAD to own it all. No…not even in my case.
Shed the shame! Its not yours!
God bless you, Robert, for reaching out to survivors, and others, regarding the pain and havoc that abuse wreaks in the lives of its victims. I am proud of you and would like to encourage you in this effort. Etan’s story affected me deeply, as well. I mourn for that little boy and look forward to a time when the dirty little secrets of childhood abuse are laid open for the world to see. No more pain, no more sorrow. Thank you, cousin.
Charlene, we’ve both seen more than our share of pain, but that does seem to serve us well in survival and sometimes helping others. I hope I can be of tangible help to others at some point.
Thanks for sharing Rob. It’s a wonderful piece of writing. I hope you can come to terms with what happened.
Thank you Peter,
I AM in fact trying to first identify the “terms.” I’m still trying to figure out if I’m identifying with these victims or purely seeing the brotherhood? I’ve felt the brotherhood for decades in these cases…and its a solemn event.
Wow, Rob, that is an incredibly open and raw essay. Thank you for sharing it with all of us.
This is beautiful and heartbreaking. As always, a very moving piece. Thank you.
Lori,
Its great to see you again. Thank you for the kinds words.
“Moving” Yes…it certainly is that….but not by my words, but by the nature of the lost angel.
Rob, thanks for this amazing piece. Thank you for all the work you’ve done, and also for speaking for so many survivors.
Wishing you lots of peace and blessings, and the same to Etan’s family.
Thank you Joanna,
Its hard to bring negative material here…sad at least, but I just wish for the readers to realize some of the male survivor side of things.