Five years ago, my sister-in-law, aka the most sensible and well researched person I know, told me that I should freeze my eggs. At the time I was 30, I had a partner whom everyone thought was wrong for me but whom I loved immensely, and we had agreed we would at some point have kids together.
Frankly when she pitched it to me, I was offended by it.
Was she suggesting I freeze my eggs because in her younger eyes I had become old? Was she suggesting it because she also disliked my boyfriend? Was she suggesting it because she could see the future and knew that I would be single and so tired to mingle at age 35?
Well, turns out, as per 99% or times, she was correct. I should have frozen my eggs back then.
VERY IMPORTANT: I am not a doctor
I decided to tell you about my journey and research in case it can be of help in making the best possible decision for yourself. This article can also help you or to better understand what your partner/spouse/friend is going through.
Keep in mind that I am not a doctor, so this is not a technical document, you should still do extensive research if you want to do this. Personally, when I got started I was clueless so I’m hoping this will give you an idea of what to search for and the psychological implications the process may have.
Beware that even the implications may vary completely depending on whether the journey was successful or not, if you discover you are not fertile or if the hormone shots didn’t work for you and you still have to complete the cycle (it happened to a friend of mine), the implications may be completely different.
Egg freezing explained for finance people: moving eggs from your savings to your checking account and into a timeless safety box
As women, we are born with x amount of eggs. These eggs are stored in our savings account. They are there for our whole lives, so if we freeze our eggs at 22, we will have access to the fresh eggs we had at age 22, as freezing guarantees that the eggs will forever remain of that age. If we freeze them at 40, apart from likely being able to freeze a much smaller number of eggs, they will be of a different quality.
It’s very unfair, I know.
This said, our eggs reside in a sort of savings account inside our ovaries.
When you choose egg freezing, you inject yourself with hormones every day for two weeks and you give them a final push to mature with the aid of two booster shots. Your booster shots are the last two shots you will give to yourself before going in for your procedure. Their job is fundamentally to send the eggs that are ready or closest to being mature to your checking account, where your surgeon will go in with a syringe and remove them for freezing.
We are now moving them from a savings account that ages to one that protects them from the test of time.
I asked my doctor if I could drink a glass of wine during hormone shots. He answers with a simple: ‘they have been there for 35 years, one more or one less glass of wine won’t make a difference’.
I didn’t drink. I thought I would honor this commitment to myself by treating these eggs with uttermost respect and sobriety.
FAQ’s: good questions to ask your doctor (and my basic understanding of the answers)
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- What is the ideal age to preserve your fertility? From 35–37 fertility goes downhill, so before that. (Yes, you can also do it after that and it may be in your best interest for your to do it even after this age, check with your doctor).
- What type of medical testing is necessary before a cycle of egg freezing? It depends from the country you freeze them in but you will have blood tests for mullerian hormones, for HIV, Hepatitis B and C and Syphilis, gyno exam, trans-vaginal ultrasound, sometimes a breast scan as well.
- How long does egg freezing treatment take? You take the tests, if all goes well on the second day of your next period you start hormone shots and you continue for approximately two weeks. The Doctor monitors you closely with scans and blood tests, based on the results at around two weeks from the start you have the egg collection procedure. All in all, consider one month of your time.
- Is egg collection painful? My experience is that no, you are under heavy sedation and with anesthetics. The painful part is after it.
- Will I need to rest after egg collection? Yes, you will need to rest for the rest of the day, I personally went to work the following day but overall for two weeks you have to take it easy.
- Can I have sex after egg collection? I keep asking everyone for an answer, apparently you have to first get your period and then make sure 10 days-2 weeks have gone by.
- Will egg freezing treatment impact my future fertility? No, apart from having one extra choice of how to have kids.
- Do all frozen eggs survive the thawing process? No. we extracted 22 and 17 were frozen, the others were either not viable or not mature yet.
- How long can the eggs stay frozen? Legally in the UK 55 years, that said it varies from country to country. It’s worth checking, if this is something you are considering,
- Until what age can I use my frozen eggs? Each country has a different age. More religious countries tend to have stricter rules. This said, until when would you feel comfortable implanting them?
What’s important to know (that you wouldn’t necessarily research)?
- Will I need to have a partner in order to use my frozen eggs? In some countries you do, in some you don’t. In the UK, you can use a sperm bank, in Italy you cannot.
- If I choose to have IVF and use the eggs in another country or clinic can I move them? Yes, but ideally you want to move embryos, so choose a clinic where you feel safe doing that part of the procedure. Embryos are far less delicate than eggs and have a much chance of surviving the moving process where at times temperatures may not be as stable as when the egg is in the clinic. Ideally, it’s best to do this at the clinic you chose for egg freezing.
- What should I ask my doctor about the following steps (if I choose to use the eggs)? Check on what day, should you wish to use the eggs, they would be implanted in your womb. You want to make sure it’s day 5 or 6 and not day 2 or 3 for better survival rates. This varies by country in which you do the procedure.
Things to consider
- Your age
- How much you want kids now or in the future
- Your time available/level of stress you are currently under
- Your support system
- How loud your biological clock is ringing
- Money you are willing to spend on potential future kids
My recommendation is: if you have any doubts that this could be the right move for you, if you simply want to check your fertility status, go into a clinic for a visit and get a straight and honest opinion about where you are at and what your options are.
Knowledge is key.
It will cost you like a first visit and you will be able to make a more informed choice. Don’t wait until it’s too late.
Consider speaking to a therapist about this, it’s not an easy decision nor an easy process to go through.
When to freeze your eggs and why
The sooner the better, the doctors told me ideally before you turn 36 to make sure your chances of success are as high as can be.
Why do it? Personally I found four main reasons worth doing this:
- You can never predict when you will meet someone and feel ready to have kids. In the unfortunate event that it occurs later in life, you now have an option to have kids.
- You or your partner could experience difficulties in getting pregnant, this gives you an extra shot at having kids.
- You may become sick with a serious illness, for example with cancer, that compromises your egg quality or worst even you need to remove your uterus or tubes or ovaries. Unfortunately, I have seen this happen to one of my best friends. She told me, she wishes she had frozen her eggs and encouraged me to move forward with it.
- To turn off the ringer on your biological clock. We all know it, if you’re in your 30’s it’s ringing, let’s press snooze, shall we?
What do others think when you decide to freeze your eggs?
In all honesty, people had completely different reactions.
My family was extremely supportive of my choices. Those who weren’t got on board and were very understanding of why I decided this was the right path for me.
Most women told me they had either done it, were thinking of doing it, or had a friend who did it and was so happy about it.
Some experienced problems retrieving their eggs, other did this with extreme ease. I was one of the lucky ones. I can’t imagine starting the process with someone telling you that you’re not fertile. My friends who did this were incredibly brave and differently from me, decided to tell no one.
One friend was completely against it. It was very rough to hear her reasoning while I was already under hormones. I found it very discouraging and disrespectful to voice negative opinions when someone not only has already made a choice but is very vulnerable and half way through the treatment.
My last partner loved that a friend of his had done it and had kids on her own with the help of an anonymous donor (which to be clear is not something I am considering doing at any point in time). That said, he told me not to do this as we would be having 4 kids naturally. I believed him, what an idiot I am.
This is why when my current partner spoke up against me doing it as, once again, we would be having kids if all goes well, I thought ‘your opinion does not matter at the moment’.
There is no way I am listening to one more person about something that is a personal choice, my personal choice, no one else’s.
Fast forward one month from that conversation and things are already going downhill with him. I am so very glad that for once I didn’t listen to my romantic inner voice saying ‘maybe he’s the one’ and instead decided to listen to the inner voice saying ‘choose yourself, be safe’.
To be clear, I hope I never have to use these eggs and never to go through IVF, but in the unfortunate case I need to, I will have a choice.
By choosing egg freezing, I decided I deserve a choice.
I deserve a chance to have something I have always wished for my life: my build my own family.
How you should behave with someone freezing their eggs
My sister in law wins the Oscar for the most supportive person in this decision, together with the rest of the family.
My two closest guy friends who understand none of this, stood by me, asked how I was, put up with my mood swings, cheered me on in the least judgmental way I have ever seen and supported my every move. I love them for it immensely.
My best girlfriends also cheered me on and were almost more excited that I was.
A new entry was my embryologist, whom I met at the beginning of the process who explained everything to the T. She made sure my experience was nothing short of amazing. It was so magical I almost feel like a kid should be born out of these two weeks!
She was the one who introduced me to my incredible doctor who helped me every step of the way.
Nothing mattered more than my crew. The support and unconditional love I received is priceless and I will be forever grateful.
My partner on the other hand was new, barely knows me, lives in another continent and was there but also wasn’t. He told me I triggered his avoidant side in the middle of my hormones but frankly, my ability to dream that everything will go well at the moment was so low I was barely even disappointed. I feel like I could have foreseen it. He did not want me to do it in the first place and followed through with this train of thought.
My mother, who was very supportive of going through with it but has been with me for the past 4 days, is close to killing me and it feels like she has zero understanding that hormones are making me more emotional and that the process is tough on your psyche and on your body. It helps to be with someone reassuring and sweet who allows you to feel whatever you feel through this process.
In my mind, having a partner by your side is probably the best possible option, however there is a chance it adds stress based on a successful procedure or not (I will let those who went through it this way be the judge).
What to do if your partner is against you freezing your eggs
Egg freezing is up to the woman. Nothing is required of the man except if you decide to freeze embryos instead of eggs or if you want to follow it up with IVF.
Image by iStockPhoto.com
The only real thing the man is required to do is to put up with your all you mood shades or you will be once again single (like I will be) at the end of the process. Frankly, I may still be full of hormones as I write this but better lost than found.
With this in mind, don’t alienate your partner, that’s not empowerment either.
Egg freezing is 3 weeks of a woman’s life.
3 simple weeks of her giving herself injections and going through a procedure. A friend or a family member can pick you up after the procedure, the end.
These three weeks offer you 55 years of options. In truth in my case about 10–15, but that is still a lot of peace of mind.
I always believe in speaking openly to your partner to understand their reasoning but, if like in my case, the reasoning is that ‘we will get there when we are ready’ yet there is no ring on your finger, and he’s 3 years younger than I am, my advise is to choose yourself.
If the argument is ‘we will get there soon’ and there is a ring on your finger but no practical evidence that it’s about to happen, choose your own peace of mind.
Your partner is not affected by this decision apart from you being bitchy for two weeks.
Like any procedure, there are some risks involved, however it is closely monitored and if all goes well, at the worst you just don’t use the eggs. It is up to you and to your partner together if you decide to go through with IVF, that is the decision which needs to be made by the couple.
This decision, egg freezing, in my view is up to the woman as it does not impact your partner.
Partners, this buys you time too, so be supportive please.
My personal experience
My experience was pretty wonderful.
First of all I met Carol who was the person who physically froze my eggs. She is a fertility coach and took me through the whole process finally in a way in which I fully understood everything that was involved.
Thanks to Carol I felt at ease, confident and sure of my decision. She also gave me the names of the best clinics and doctors in London (message me for info). It turns out they were the exact same ones my sister in law had found after thorough research.
Carol ensured I would have an appointment set the next day with one of the very best doctors in London, Mr Shah, who took me under his wing and made me feel at ease, safe and heard at every step of this journey.
I never thought in a million years I could give myself shots, however thanks to Carol and a nurse teaching me how it was a very simple process. Every morning I turned on some good music and followed a simple procedure to feel relaxed during this uncomfortable 10 minutes of my day.
Visits went smoothly, the doctor explained everything I needed to know and to do.
The procedure was quick and I am recovering much quicker than expected, I was very lucky.
Hormones did kick in. I gained over 2kg in two weeks which I am hoping is water weight and I have been very up and down, especially with my brand new partner who practically left me on Sunday.
It is safest to do this with a long term partner by your side who knows you well enough for you to be able to express what you need and to say what you are feeling. I didn’t have this, however maybe it is better to do it alone and have your mom fly in rather than hoping your new guy will stand you despite everything.
Frankly this process left me feeling empowered. Empowered as a woman, empowered in my choices, empowered for choosing to listen to my own intuition in making this tough decision.
Letter to myself (and to my biological clock)
Dear A,
Thank you for choosing yourself. Thank you for choosing to give yourself a chance to have kids in the future, thank you for turning off outside voices and listening to your gut.
Thanks to this amazing decision, you now no longer have to choose the first un-commitmental man that comes along, you have bought yourself freedom to choose, freedom to dream, the gift of time.
To all those of you out there thinking of settling for the wrong person, there is no need for you to do so (with or without egg freezing).
To all those out there who are thinking of having a kid just because society tells you now is the time, there is no need to do so.
To all those who don’t feel ready to have kids just yet, there is no need to do so. You have a kid when you’re ready, have a kid when it’s right for you because brining a life into this world is no easy task and it should be taken as a serious responsibility.
To those who, like me, are un-healable romantics, don’t loose hope. If this is a choice you decide to make, I hope it gives you some peace of mind.
I hope it allows us all once again the pleasure to enjoy our journey towards finding the right kind of love.
Ultimately it’s up to each of us to choose and to me, the best kind of freedom, is the freedom of (an informed) choice.
THANK YOU
I simply cannot end this article without saying thank you to a few people:
- My sister in law, for encouraging me to do this even when I was offended by it. You are always one step ahead. Also, to her and my amazing brother who covered me in flowers the day before the procedure with a note saying how much they love me, and finally to my extended family who also covers me in love.
- To my parents, who supported me with their love, enthusiasm, financially and by immediately booking a flight to come to London on the week of egg freezing (my dad pitched taking off work for 2 weeks) with the same excitement as if they were attending the Superbowl. You’re the best. (Thank you mom for not killing me in the past 4 days.)
- To my friends who stood by me every step of the way, for those who have done it for sharing your stories and expertise, for those who survived my hormones in person — you are amazing.
- To my incredible clinical embryologist and fertility coach Carol who made this happen, who froze my eggs, who checks in on me multiple times a day, who took me through every detail, who answered questions I didn’t even know I had and who made sure that once I decided to go ahead I would get an appointment (the next day) with the best doctor in London. I would not be here without you, I know you never believe me but it’s the truth.
- To Mr. Shah and Mr. Gudi and all of Fertility First who made this experience wonderful in every possible way. I visited many clinics before I chose this one and I would whole heartedly recommend it to anyone out there who wants to do this.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com