It may seem like a great idea but this myth can have serious implications to a man, and his marriage.
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It’s said man to man, with a wink, a slight smile, and often with a touch of sarcasm.
You hear it at the coffee shop while waiting in line, at the office, at lunch with a buddy, during “kitchen talk” at a party, or in the man-cave where “What’s said there, stays there”…
However intended, it is believed by many husbands to be true.
A happy wife means a happy life, wink-wink.
This seemingly innocent belief has far-reaching implications for husbands and their wives.
Let me share what I’ve experienced as a past believer in this myth, how it can erode a relationship over time, and provide alternatives.
A Happy Wife
It’s noble for a husband to aspire too. Of course, he wants his wife to be happy. He decides to do his best to make sure she is. He does the things he knows that please her, and avoids doing things that upset her. He puts her needs first to show that he is a loving and caring husband.
A Happy Life
A happy life is the anticipated outcome for husbands who have a happy wife. Rewards come a man’s way for accomplishing things on the to-do list and making a woman’s wants his priority: going out with the boys more often, watching a game without interruption, getting more sex, or buying a new TV or whatever item a man has had his eye on.
It’s a barter system. The concept has been used for centuries. I give you what you want so I can get what I want.
So what’s wrong with that?
In this situation, everything…
For Men
Men don’t behave with integrity or authenticity when they put this myth into practice. They don’t share what’s important to them. They diminish their self-worth.
They make assumptions. Through trial and error, they try to figure out what works and what doesn’t work to make her happy – based on the day, situation, her mood, etc. Often these assumptions are incorrect.
The myth leads to long-term disappointment, frustration, resignation, and resentment for a man. They begin to develop thoughts like, ‘Why does she get everything she wants and I don’t? Doesn’t she see how much I sacrifice for her?’
Avoiding conflict about the small things leads to avoiding conflict about the big things. Men become distant and non-communicative when they don’t discuss how they feel and what’s important to them. They capitulate even more to avoid an increasingly uncomfortable conversation. Their resentment and frustration build.
At some point, they’ll have had enough. They may experience a mid-life crisis, health issue, engage in an affair, drink more, go on a spending spree, or become physically and/or emotionally absent.
As a man sacrifices his happiness for his spouse he sows the seeds for his own rebellion in the future. He eventually acts out on feeling stuck and suppressed.
For Women
The concept of “Happy Wife Happy Life” seems like a great situation for a woman. Why wouldn’t she want to be put first in the relationship? It’s a dream come true. It’s romantic. She believes, ‘He loves me so much that he puts my happiness ahead of his own.’
Getting what she wants is like fast food for the ego—quickly satisfying, but in the long-term, it creates a sense of entitlement and of holding power in the relationship. She has the capability to reward her husband, or not, based on her level of happiness. It poisons the relationship over time.
By adopting this myth, a woman is missing the opportunity to know who her husband really is, and cuts herself off from experiencing a deep and fulfilling relationship.
‘What type of relationship do I really want?’ Do I want one of honesty, respect and trust, or one fraught with untruths?
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Both parties willingness to participate in the myth of “Happy Wife Happy Life” creates a co-dependent relationship. “I need you to complete me. I need you to make me happy. I need you to validate my self-worth.”
That is not love.
A lasting and fulfilling relationship is built on trust, honesty and respect. Only through open and vulnerable conversation can a couple understand what is important, to each other, and in their relationship.
Personal experience cautions us from telling the truth. Honesty can result in upsetting others. We may fear of having a relationship end, lose a job, or way of life. So we avoid telling the truth to minimize conflict and evade potential negative consequences.
In a “Happy Wife Happy Life” relationship, men suffer in silence and women believe everything is okay as long as they’re getting what they want.
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I will no longer contribute to this myth. There is equality in my marriage today. My wife is in agreement. We’ve discussed the challenges and the missteps in our past relationships, and acknowledge our contribution to their ending.
We’ve learned from our past.
My wife and I choose honesty. We choose to be best friends. We want the best for each other, to grow individually and as a couple.
We talk about our challenges as they arise. It is damn uncomfortable at times. It’s not easy being honest and vulnerable. It’s a conscious choice that will take time and love to realize the benefits.
A trusting relationship involves cooperation and discussion when there are conflicting priorities. Resolutions can be discovered in compassionate, empathetic, respectful, and loving conversations.
The results… have been extraordinary for us – intimacy on many levels.
Do you really want a happy life and a marriage that is authentic and fulfilling? If yes, then:
Wives – Create a safe and non-judgmental environment where your husband can share his feelings, desires and challenges with you.
Husbands – Give yourself permission to make your happiness a priority. Talk to your wife, sincerely, about what you want and why.
Build your relationship based on respect and love.
Treat each other as equals.
Want the best for each other. Want the best for yourself.
Be each other’s best friend.
Get uncomfortable. Get real. Get honest.
Each of you can have a happy life, together.
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Photo: Getty Images
I’m sorry but I just don’t buy this. I don’t think the standard dynamic in relationships today is that men “sacrifices his happiness for his spouse”. Maybe in some relationships. But given the amount of power that men have in almost every single arena of society and culture, I think it’s safe to say that on the whole, men are the ones who are repeatedly encouraged to achieve their own personal goals with the support of their family rather than sacrifice their own goals, which is what women are predominantly expected to do, in order to have children and/or keep… Read more »
Hi Kezia
Thanks for taking the time to read the article and leave a comment. Every perspective is welcome.
In my experience there is “no one size fits all” situation.
The key for me is for the couple to communicate, openly, honestly, vulnerably, in a safe non-judgmental environment. Build from there.
I want to thank you for writing this. There are a few things here that I think are generalizations that are perhaps unfair to women (notably the idea that women will be happy if their needs are met), but the underlying assertion of the article resonates very deeply with me. I have ended relationships (and cut many dates short) because the man I was seeing was so intent on making me happy that I ended up not being able to learn anything about him. There is absolutely no satisfaction in that whatsoever, and certainly no spark. It’s not only bad… Read more »
Hi Danielle. Thanks for taking the time to read the article and share your thoughts. Awareness of what is happening, and why, is key. If we can’t or won’t talk about what is troubling us then to me it’s a sign that something is amiss in the relationship. I no longer wish to be involved in a relationship where one person needs to put on a pedestal, co-dependence if you will. Interdependence is my (our) motto. Good for you to recognize the signs early.
Hi! I’m a woman and in my opinion a wife won’t get happy because she gets every material thing she desires or because her husband does the shopping and cleaning up. A wife will get happy if she is certain her husband loves and respects her and appriciates her minor sacrafices (it can be obtained by little gestures). I’m the happiest if I feel loved and can give everything to my husband he wants (yes you heard well, I said women gets happy mostly by giving, not recieving), chores included. In my opinion chores are the wifes job, I’m pretty… Read more »
Thanks for sharing your perspective Thammy.
Honesty still play a HUGE role! In the case of the article that’s written in most case men don’t speak their minds so I completely agree with the author about the myth. It’s because of it most relationships are destroyed before they’re even build. Great article Rick. My husband and I loved it!
Thanks AJ&JJ for taking the time to read the article and to leave a comment that it resonated with you.
This is just my 2 cents in the matter and I’m not going to sugar coat it. You don’t have to kiss your wife’s @$$ to keep her happy, and some wives take this saying too far. As long as you respectful, honest and loyal a happy life can come from the as well. This saying should be introduced, ” A happy groom prevents all doom. You have some @$$hole men out the just as well as you have *itchy ladies. In short just follow the golden rule and treat each other the same. No need to puck up and… Read more »
Mind blowing! Great articles from a wise man.
As men we are re-thinking our role in relationships with women. The women’s movement has allowed women choice about what they can do with their lives; men are now doing the same. As Newton pointed out there is an equal and opposite reaction to any action. We are at a point where all men are viewed as rapists, pedo’s, wife beaters, violent; you name it. Women apparently find 80% of men less than attractive – chances are good that our wives feel they have ‘settled’ by being with us. My ex-SIL is currently divorcing her husband (great guy/father) because she… Read more »
It’s a good post regardless of what the malcontents say. Of course, they’ll demand an “even handed” approach in articles they perceive to “favor” men while insisting that articles which favor women aren’t talking about everyone in every situation. Having a happy life and a happy wife are two different things. Having a happy wife is a strong and I think usually necessary part of having a happy marriage. Having a happy life may not involve marriage at all. I asked a bachelor once why did he get married at 40. He responded that he found a person he would… Read more »
Thanks for sharing your views John … much appreciated. Here’s hoping more people will be aware if their relationship is mutually beneficial and fulfilling, or not. And make the appropriate choices, for themselves.
After 26 years of marriage, I would say it simply comes down to throwing out the score card. Marriage is not fair. Through the years I have found that we have each gone through periods where one of us was on the receiving end of all the goodies (extra leisure time, new fancy toys like cars or trucks, more time with friends, etc ) while the other one was stuck working, at home taking care of kids and chores, “holding down the fort”. Then the pendulum would swing the other way and you might be on the giving end instead… Read more »
Thanks for taking the time to post your comment CJ. I appreciate all discussion – that’s what’s it about! For me, GMP is all about putting topics out there to be discussed, to have different viewpoints shared… tolerance and acceptance is based on being open to others perspectives. My goal with this post was to have people take the time to reflect on their primary relationship – what’s working, what isn’t, how they can make it better. Communication, with no surprises … honest, open and vulnerable. No assumptions. That’s what my wife and I are continually striving for… to be… Read more »
make sure to let your spouse know how much you appreciate their gift instead of acting like a greedy child with too many toys at Christmas time. I love this sentence!
Love cannot survive on a one-way street. I say, “Happy mate–life is great!”
Thanks Eric for taking the time to comment. I appreciate it.
Great article Rick – It reminds me of the conversation between the two lead roles in When Harry Met Sally.
Harry Burns: You take someone to the airport, its clearly the beginning of the relationship. That’s why I have never taken anyone to the airport at the beginning of a relationship.
Sally Albright: Why?
Harry Burns: Because eventually things move on and you don’t take someone to the airport and I never wanted anyone to say to me, How come you never take me to the airport anymore?
Ha! Good one! I forgot about that exchange … Thanks for the reminder of this movie, time to see it again. And thanks Terry for taking the time to add your comment to the conversation.
The original usage of “Happy Wife, Happy Life” several decades ago was as a revelation to the majority of husbands who were somewhere along the patriarchal spectrum (from just cluelessly selfish to frankly abusive.) What a concept, put a little effort into pleasing your wife, and your marriage, family, life went better. Baby steps. I have no idea how you got to a current meaning of some man codependently scrapping his identity to please his wife 24/7. I’m sure this guy exists, I’ve just never met him. Egalitarianism is a core principle, but please don’t suck the fun out of… Read more »
Thanks for taking the time to share your perspective Lauren.
Awesome Article Rick!
Thanks Edmond. Glad you enjoyed it.
As a woman and someone who considers myself a feminist, I agree with this article deeply and wholeheartedly. Thank you, Rick. You have articulated with gentle thoughtfulness a point I have long believed and never before seen so clearly echoed…by anyone, male or female, online or off. Having been in a heterosexual relationship with my boyfriend for two years now, I have seen the potential for the damaging dynamic you describe rear its head over and over again–and it takes conscious effort on each of our parts to steer clear of it. I don’t know whether it puts me in… Read more »
I subscribe.
Thanks Sara. I appreciate you taking the time to give your perspective. Yes, we do live in what seems to be “polarized times”. Interesting, isn’t it? I’m grateful for GMP for providing a forum that promotes this type of conversation.
I love it! True equality… Nobody over Anybody!
Rick, You write very clearly and logically but: Men’s brains work better with logic where women’s brains work better with emotion (general statement with lots of exceptions). It is easy to say that you may speak openly and discuss anything rationally with your wife, and that may be true, but not all wives respond to that type of discussion. In fact, I know mine doesn’t: If I use a line of reasoning that doesn’t factor in her emotions, then she just clams up – end of discussion. No, she doesn’t hold grudges, but she avoids topics and I don’t think… Read more »
Thanks for sharing Joe… I understand the generalization concept of how our brains might work differently. Interestingly enough, my wife and I don’t follow that norm. She is the more logical one, and I’m the more emotional one. The key, in my opinion, is understanding how each of is wired and how we best communicate – part of an open, honest, and vulnerable relationship.
Appreciate you taking the time to give your perspective…
Hey Joe, I think men have “de-evolved” to always focussing on the logic in order to avoid their feelings (emotions) because they have been taught to do that by their respective cultures. Perhaps if you try a little emotion, expressing feelings and maybe “seeing” hers you may find that she does not clam up as you say. In a marriage someone does not always have to be right, the point of conversation/connection is to foster closeness not inform your spouse you are more logical than she is, therefore you are right.
Men’s brains work better with logic where women’s brains work better with emotion (general statement with lots of exceptions). Awesome comparison!
Wow. Good article Rick. I am a 60 year old women who believes that a strong woman would not look beyond herself for her own happiness. And ditto’s to Homer. True partnership means an equal respect and regard for each other, while enjoying the masculine and femine energy each one brings to the team.
Thanks for taking the time to comment Liz. And I’m in alignment with the “True partnership…” statement.
Bottom line : Honesty! That’s my takeaway. Honesty in All our relationships, difficult as it is, will lead to a better, more fulfilled life, in my opinion. Thanks for the brilliant piece, Rick.
Thanks Fatal. I appreciate you taking the time to comment.
“Wives – Create a safe and non-judgmental environment where your husband can share his feelings, desires and challenges with you. Husbands – Give yourself permission to make your happiness a priority. Talk to your wife, sincerely, about what you want and why.” It’s possible I’m missing something in the message here. But I do know that women make as many sacrifices for their own happiness for their husbands just as much as you feel husbands make for their wives. The cliche statement, ‘happy wife, happy life.” doesn’t appear to actually define women’s actual experiences in marriage as far as I… Read more »
Thanks for sharing your perspective Erin. My goal was to promote (at the bottom of the article) the qualities of the relationship that my wife and I jointly strive for today. The title was based on one perspective that I use to live and have seen other men live as well. There is no one situation that applies to all. I also know other couples that have wonderfully fulfilling mutually beneficial relationships, and yes, there are of course those where the wife is the one who feels that it’s “Happy Husband Happy Life.” Grateful that this fuels discussion … Thanks.
Great article, I agree with what you have written and love the idea of talk together and creating what each other’s needs are. Well done
Thanks Elissa. I appreciate you taking the time to comment. I’m glad you found something of value in the article.
Erin, with all due respect to your post the chief reason that Rick had to prioritize us as men in ths article is simply because our needs have been marginalized by society for way too long. From several standpoints, especially in media, the judicial system, intimate relationships, and even church because women’s rights and needs have been placed above our own, matriarchal attitudes prevailed, thus leaving us psychologically emasculated. Once these attitudes are eradicated many more men will find marriage more attractive and those of us who are married will be much happier.
Thanks for taking the time to comment Sean. I appreciate that GMP fosters this type of diverse conversation. It’s all fuel for thought and discussion … I believe that everyone has, and is entitled to, their own perspective. It makes life very interesting…
@ Erin I don’t know where the phrase ca,e from and don’t know if that’s even relevant. It’s the way that it’s used today that is relevant and I’ve heard it from a few men. It usually happens when they give a major “concession” and I think it’s used as a “consolation prize” or justification. Even if I think it’s bad for the family in the long run because my wife is happy every one will benefit. Maybe that’s the case. Maybe it’s not. I’ve seen a lot of women talk their husbands into working longer hours so they could… Read more »
It’s a good piece, Rick
Enjoyed it.
Thanks.
This is a great piece – and a great example of marking the emerging transition from feminism to egalitarianism. No more of this “I’m OK, you’re not OK” crap which we see her about men every single day. What a crock of crap that is. The truth is more like “I’m not OK, and you’re not OK either”…followed by the sincere question “How do we become OK together”. Sorry, that is NOT a feminist conversation. That’s a conversation among EQUALS, with no gender essentialism in it. Women don’t get a pass on emotional adulthood because biology, or psychology, or evolution… Read more »
Thanks Homer. I appreciate your well stated thoughts and the time that you put into your comment. I concur, it’s all about striving for being better together, without compromising your character, values and dreams. Always better if you’re both on the same path and both come from a place of empathy, compassion and love – for your self, and each other. Thrive on!
Fantastic post with terrific insight! The wife and I belong to program for deeply troubled marriages and I would like to ask permission to integrate some of your statements and ideas into our talks.
Thanks for taking the time to comment Lonnie. Glad that it resonated with you.
Please go ahead and use some of the statements in the article, knowing full well that I’m not a counselor or therapist… the concept was based on my own personal experience, and a few others that I’ve witnessed from the outside. My hope is that it might spark uncomfortable yet positive discussion between partners.
Hi Homer, Hi Rick, I love this article because it resonates a lot with my circumstances and Homers comment about a conversation among equals is bang on. But then, Homer, you attack men who enter into a relationship “sacrificing their values”. Let me tell you, I’m in the process of divorce after being 22 years with my wife, in a loving, giving relationship. We have 2 children and it tears me apart that it’s come to this. I’m now discovering my part, that I wasn’t the perfect husband and father like I thought, that I put the need and wants… Read more »
I’m sorry for your pain and suffering right now. And you make my point as well, or better, than I can. If you haven’t figured out the deep personal stuff FIRST – if you haven’t defined yourself and your values – and you go out and try to live a relational life with a partner – you’re just making a terrible mistake in CONSCIOUSNESS. And this is just as true for women – and it’s true in ALL kinds of relationships, not just heterosexual relationships. Furthermore, you have to be CONSCIOUS (there’s that darn word once again) of what the… Read more »
Homer: Excellent response.
I can assure you that it can also lead the wife to have an affair, as she gradually becomes less attuned to her husband’s interests and happiness, and she starts to lose sight of him as a person. And possibly loses respect for him as he gradually pushes down his own needs. It’s way more complicated than that, but that’s a thread we’re following in counselling as we try to unravel why she went there.
That’s a great point K. Thanks for sharing that insight.