All of these fears led me to seek a situation I thought I could control. I did love him, but I chose him with my mind as much as I did my heart. I made a calculated business decision and bet on myself to carry the weight of that decision. I made him a cog in my machine. It’s easy to say I was cheated on. It’s much harder to say that what tumbled down was already built on lies. I had to look at myself and realize that I was cheating myself. Already drowning in the life I created, I tried to turn him into the life raft that would save me from my own choices. Once I stood up and wiped my tears, I saw that the only person I had to motivate and fix was me.
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