Dating can feel like a rollercoaster of magnificence and malaise. One moment excitement, pregnant with possibility, the next it’s the scariest thing in the world.
This makes sense as the process is continual rounds of putting ourselves out there. Step by vulnerable step, hoping to be accepted by the other person.
Depending on our previous dating experiences, coupled with the traumas of our social and parental conditioning, we will react differently when stepping into the unknown. After a few scars on the bedposts of our hearts, our doors of perception can become wired incorrectly and they often close when they could have opened.
If we take the time to slow down and notice them, what feels like a red flag might actually be a green flag muffled by the voice of our inner critic trying to protect us. Having this awareness moves our behaviour from unconscious to conscious and provides an opportunity to break the cycle of ending relationships before they’ve had a chance to bloom.
Here are my top 5 green flags drawn from my own experience and working with clients that signal to me, there is some inner work to do. Each is an opportunity to lean in, ride the wave of vulnerability and heal a heart scar. These might occur at varying points as relationships deepen, so aren’t exclusive to new relationships. The key is to notice your patterns and talk about what’s happening in your experience.
See if you can catch vulnerability in the act, so you can choose how you want to respond instead of react.
- It doesn’t feel like the Hollywood picture of love. This is likely a sign that they don’t trigger your insecurities which is a great thing. Of course, there needs to be a spark but after a few rounds of heartbreak don’t confuse feeling safe with non-attraction.
- Not wanting to say nice feelings. Perhaps you’re thinking you’re protecting them by not wanting to say you’re happy, you like them, or how attracted to them you are in the present moment, in case you don’t feel that way in the future and break up. Instead, to stay in integrity, you don’t say anything. This isn’t protecting them, it’s stopping them from getting closer to you. You can only ever feel anything in the now. If you like them and are having a nice time, say so. If not, (kindly) say that too — authenticity is the key to the life that’s meant for you. The relationship might not bloom because it was never meant to, but if you don’t say how you feel you’ll never find out.
- Fault finding. Getting to a certain point and all of a sudden noticing physical faults with the person — things they can’t change like height, features or proportion (ones you weren’t a problem at the start). This may well be a sign they are getting closer to you and you’re trying to push them away.
- Avoidance. Going numb/being avoidant isn’t a sign you’ve lost that loving feeling. It might be because you’re getting closer to them and your ego is doing its protection thing.
- They trigger you. To an extent, this is what relationships are for. You’ll also receive closeness, intimacy and delicious sex (of course) but great sex can’t be achieved without the former. Intimacy and deeper connection are risky to a person as they may be able to hurt you. If this has happened before it’s likely your inner critic gives off warnings of “threat”. The only way to go deeper in a relationship is by noticing your triggers, talking about them and accepting each other with them.
The tool below will help with the above.
Take On A Vulnerability Challenge And Grow Your Toolbox:
TOOL: Sandpit sessions — Relationship check-ins
WHY: It might sound formal but structure often helps people feel safe and when on the rollercoaster of dating these create dedicated times to play and investigate expressing our emotions. With these in place, you both know you’ve set time aside to be able to talk about how things are going. This helps A LOT.
HOW TO START: Put an actual calendar invite in and have a round of saying how you’re feeling plus answer the questions, what can we Drop, Add, Keep, and/or Improve (DAKI) from the way this relationship is working?
Your life is yours and whatever you’re feeling is your experience but it isn’t being felt because of what or who is in front of you. That or they are just the trigger that’s been brought into your life to highlight a part of you that wants/needs to be seen and heard. The only way to do that, and have a truly authentic experience, is by talking about how you feel.
Start your sentences with, “Somethings coming up for me and I’m aware I might be me trying to protect myself. I don’t want to repeat past mistakes so I’d like to talk about X…” That phrase is a game-changer in relationships because it’s empowering and damn right sexy. It shows self-awareness and creates a feeling of safety because she’s near a man who knows he isn’t perfect, he’s accepted he’s human and is doing the work to better himself. That’s hot! If you don’t believe me, try it.
As always, thanks for reading,
Adam (Follow me on IG @thevulnerabilityguy for more)
Follow me and subscribe to my profile (by clicking on the envelope icon) if you haven’t already done so to receive an email every time I post 🙂
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Adam Slawson is a Transformational Coach, CEO, Author, Radio host and Facilitator. He believes “Our vulnerability is the catalyst to our freedom” and founded Plight Club clothing to encourage this conversation. With over 22 years of experience, he coaches those who’d like to master their vulnerability to overcome anxiety, transform their relationships and gain self-confidence to attract the life that was meant for them instead of accepting the one they’ve been given.
His mission is to redefine vulnerability till it’s seen as the courageous act it is. His talks and offerings help people learn the language of emotions.
Are you ready to step out of the waiting room of life?
- Download my free e-guide “6 Tools To Quieten Your Inner Critic”
- Join my monthly workshop to start “Mastering Your Emotions”
- Book a FREE Discovery call/ Coaching Q+A
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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Photo credit: Sean Stratton on Unsplash