For Gen X’ers, anyone who deviates from the gender norms of the past could be in line for the friend zone.
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By L. García
As a result of strong gender stereotyping, the men of my generation often find me to be too much like a guy. While usually nice words have been used to describe my unique personality; words like headstrong, determined, opinionated, and independent – it was only one guy that told me what he really thought of me, and it stung.
“You’re too much like a guy…and no man wants to date a woman who is like, well, like a man.”
Hearing him say I was too masculine in personality, not only hurt, but appalled me as he followed his statement with suggesting that I wear more make up, and wear dresses more often than I currently did. His words fell on me like a ton of bricks hitting the ground from a height of 60 feet. It was loud, it was crippling, it was everything anyone, especially me, didn’t want to hear.
Since that day I’ve wondered –
“is that why I am always getting friend zoned?”
Yes, the friend zone that all good guys are constantly saying women put you in. The zone that most think is exclusive for men – but guess what guys, women get friend zoned too – tons of opinionated, independent, headstrong women are placed there. Women who don’t compromise on their beliefs, self worth, who are often labeled as ‘bitchy’ or ‘tomboyish’ or simply ‘difficult’ are friend zoned. Women who tell it like it is, because there’s no other way we like to tell it. We are cohabitating about this friend zone space and we’re growing in numbers. We are the female versions of giving advice to your-romantic-interest in dating life.
Although I was, ironically so, dating the guy who deemed me to be too much like a guy for a relationship – breaking up with him soon thereafter, his words have haunted me. As I continue to struggle to find a partner, I can’t help but wonder,
“Could this be the reason why I’m not in a serious relationship, was he right?”
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All our lives we were taught that women should be gentle creatures who are to be taken care of with diligence. We’re taught that women are these fragile porcelain dolls that need to be placed in a glass case for protection. At the same time we’ve were taught that men are stoic creatures that do the care-taking and providing. Our gender roles have been so deeply engrained in us that once we encounter anything different than what society dictates as feminine or masculine behavior, we shun it and ultimately want to do away with it because of its difference. This is what we’ve been teaching our children for the past hundred years, until now. Among the newer generations there is more acceptance of a variation of gender roles, but I’ll get more into that later.
As a Latina I was taught that girls needed to learn how to cook, clean, and be the perfect little wives and mothers for our future husbands and children. What happens when it’s the little boy that wants to cook and clean, while it’s the little girl that wants to climb trees and scrape her knees sliding into home base after a game of stick ball? If my family is any indication of the general behavior, the little boy would be labeled as “too sensitive” and forced to leave his spatula behind, while the girl child is forced to learn how to at least season the pork shoulder for Christmas celebrations.
Generation X’ers had it tough.
While we began breaking molds on how we were to be perceived, we also continued to oblige with gender roles while we’ve made some significant changes in civil rights – we continue to struggle when it comes to what we think is relationship material in a suitable partner. Oddly enough, I don’t see the same problem occurring with the current generation.
Generation Y’ers and Millennial’s have realized that as individuals, we are who we are and as such, they encourage their children to like what they like, no matter what it is. When a present-day parent accepts their male child dressing up in tutus, an old school parent (mainly from my generation and before) would have cast these boys away, punish and even institutionalize them. Just the same way, every time a parent accepts their girl child playing with building blocks there’s a promising future ahead for the world.
But where does that leave people like me?
Stereotypes of being either “too masculine” or “too feminine” continue to plague those Generation X’ers who are single. We are urged to find a partner, have children, and in my case, I’m often asked as to why I put so much effort into my career when I should be finding a man. Moreover, I wonder how are we, the “too masculine/feminine” supposed to find a relationship or a life partner that accepts us as we are, when we’re continuously being labeled as too much of anything?
Recently I had a male friend jokingly suggest if I had become a lesbian, because as he put it
“you’re like one of the guys anyway, it wouldn’t be much of a difference to us.”
When I noted that I wasn’t attracted to women in that way he rebutted with
“well, it’s not like you’re a regular girl – you don’t need anyone to take care of you or anything.”
His words echoed in my brain “[I] don’t need anyone to take care of me…”
When I was 16 years old, I was responsible for taking care of my ailing mother, my nephew who was months old at the time, as well as going to school and getting good grades. I came home and did my homework and made sure everything in the house was in order. I took care of everyone – and I was used to doing so. As an adult I am taking care of my father who struggles with his health from being exposed to Agent Orange during the Vietnam War.
I have always struggled to let anyone take charge of the situation because that has always fallen on me. Whenever I find myself interested in someone, I worry. Questions surge my brain, filling me with insecurities. “Will he think I’m too independent?” followed by “will he think I’m too much like a man – since I take care of situations quickly without waiting around for anyone,” all because I’m used to taking care of others and have never been taken care of.
What’s worse, this gender-role rejection-friend-zoning business has caused me to second guess myself entirely. It’s made me think about who I am, my priorities, and think if I am even the type of person that will end up married – or at least in a long term relationship.
As a woman, I’ve always been different than most.
When it comes to conflict many women I know don’t shy away from it. Recently one of my closest female friends suggested that her husband start a conflict at his job – when they both asked me for my advice I simply said “why not just leave the place after speaking to the boss and avoid drama altogether?” This suggestion caused my friend to be mad at me. She began looking for a confrontation with me instead, until I said I wasn’t going to discuss the matter any further.
Another recent scenario included yet another friend of mine who came to visit with her new boyfriend. I took them around town, drove to the busy part of town, walked up and down the busy shopping areas, and showed them all over the touristy side of where I lived. Before heading back home I stopped at a gas station where I was told to stay by the car that my friends were going to pay for gas as a thank you. Once my girl friend signaled to me that the pump was ready for me to start putting gas in my car, I did. Her boyfriend came out the mini-mart and said,
“Boy you have a way of making a man feel useless.”
I was confused by his statement, and when I asked why he would say something like that, his response was
“you didn’t even let me pump the gas for you.”
I guess I’m so used to pumping my own gas, I didn’t think of letting my friends’ boyfriend do it. I mean, pumping gas isn’t that hard…right?
Moreover, issues that have afflicted my success in relationships are the fact that I’m too ambitious, too determined, and unrelenting when it comes to achieving my goals. While most of my friends enjoy a life full of long-term relationships and marriages – I’m the one who remains single, often because “I’m like a dude.” I’m often the funny friend everyone has heard about. The perpetual single girl who’s so great, and always gets taken for granted by, according to my friends, and according to them, I’m the one who ‘guys can’t appreciate’ because I’m such a strong woman.
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While it could be true, that I have many traits that are less feminine than the accustomed, there are many traits within me that are honestly human. I am caring, loving, and devoted. But those I’ll keep to myself until I find the right person that my ‘masculinity’ doesn’t intimidate. I’m sure that many men who are labeled as ‘too feminine’ or called “so nice” can identify with this.
Okay, where do I begin? 1.) Any guy who uses the way you dress as an excuse to break up is a buck-passer (careful how you say that-ha!). He can’t admit he had a change of heart, that he was mistaken in the chemistry he had with you. Didn’t you dress how you dress when you met him? That person was manipulative and played a head game to sidestep responsibility for his own actions. He had to justify breaking up with you to himself, because there was another voice in his head saying ‘Are you crazy? Why are you dumping… Read more »
I think everyone gets friend-zoned, sooner or later, no matter their personality. And I think most people have a mixture of stereotypically “feminine” and “masculine” traits–as you point out, we’re all just human. Also, I agree that there’s something interesting happening with Gen X & gender roles; it’s like we’re trying to figure out how to make our politics and personal relationships align, and we’re being very open about how they don’t always neatly fit together.
I think friend zone gets misused. Nice to see some people use it right.
Why oh why did I have to read this on Sunday night? I can totally relate. Though I’m always told by men how great I am I am always told it looks like I don’t need a man too. Its just laughable having in mind that all the dating advice keeps on telling that a woman should not be clingy, have her own life, abandon all sorts of drama, relax and enjoy the moment – yet when you’re actually living like this naturally, not cause some cosmo told you so, you get comments like “oooh, your life already is full,… Read more »
Sorry to hear about the bad luck. Hopefully you’ll find what you’re looking for. In the meantime, my take on this situation as a guy breaks down like this, and all of this is gained from personal experience. I know plenty of great women who fit those descriptions of having full lives and being exciting, but in my experience, those women rarely want to actually ‘make’ the time for a relationship and allow it to grow. Its just not a priority. I’ve asked several women out recently, and I’ll tell you, its easier to get an appointment with the my… Read more »
Lee Harvey, I know this trend of “being busy” is very much on in USA, but I live in Europe, where busyness is not really in fashion. Neither I or other active women I know need to look at some schedule in order to set a date, because if I’m interested, I will make time, just like men make time for women they are interested in. Its normal not to be interested in people who barealy find time to get a coffee date or smth, but when people just assume you have no time for a relationship without ever actually… Read more »
Laura, you are absolutely right. I’ve gotten the same feedback — ‘you don’t seem like you need anything.’ Eh? I’m human, I need the things humans need. But I have been on both sides of the friend zone, and I never used the excuse of ‘ you don’t seem like you need a girlfriend’. But in any case, I’ve learned that it’s a waste of time to stay in the friend zone. If you know you have feelings for a guy and he doesn’t return them, don’t stay close. There’s a slim chance that he will see what he’s missing… Read more »
Thanks, Joye,
I really appreciate your advice, its just that I’m not in situation of friend-zoning at the moment and I rarely stay close to men who are unappreciative of my good qualities. It was just a vent on how men make assumptions about my needs without considering the idea that women like you or me are completely able to make time for a man they like.
I hear you. I knew I was in trouble when my brother wanted to help me figure out how to be more approachable. He pretended to be a guy who saw me across the room, then sat at my table. He looked at me a few seconds, then said ‘i can’t believe this. I don’t know what to say!’ This from my brother. I guess we will just keep on keeping on