F*ck Yourself, Respectfully

They say in the dating world that a unicorn is a ‘perfect’ romantic or sexual partner that is rare to find, usually a single woman open to joining an established relationship for sex with an established couple.

But, I actually think the real unicorn is toxic relationship sex without the toxic relationship. (If you know what I’m talking about, you know.) If only this were a real option…

The connection. The intensity. The heat. The passion. The orgasms.

The dopamine and oxytocin. The love.

All of those wonderful chemicals that leave you feeling high for hours afterwards.

My god, is there anything that feels better on earth?

But, like all amazing things, this kind of connection doesn’t last forever, and it isn’t meant to.

Because to keep that level of passionate intensity going forever, you have to accept a toxic relationship. And over time, that trade-off is never worth the soul-eviscerating pain that destroys you from the inside out as a result.

So, how do you get all those amazing chemicals without compromising on accepting a safe, healthy relationship? Is it even possible?

There may be some things that can be done to help increase dopamine and oxytocin without resorting to the acceptance of a toxic relationship.

How to Increase Dopamine:

It turns out that dopamine is produced from tyrosine, a non-essential amino acid, and is the biological precursor to critical neurotransmitters such as dopamine, adrenaline, and noradrenaline.

Eat.

To increase your dopamine, increase your tyrosine levels. You can do that by eating foods like dairy, chicken, eggs, bananas, avocados, and turkey. Or you can even add a tyrosine supplement.

Exercise.

Working out increases dopamine production and improves mood. Walking, jogging, cycling. Repetitive movement especially helps.

Ocean.

Being at the ocean is calming and can change your brain chemistry. The ocean has negative ions, which increase oxygen flow to the brain and stimulate the production of both serotonin and dopamine.

If you’ve ever stood on the ocean shore and inhaled the salty sea air and felt a change in your brain and body, you understand on a cellular level what I’m talking about.

The ocean also alters brain waves, so that you feel the same kind of relaxation and calming feeling that can be achieved with meditation.

I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be standing on the ocean shore instead of sitting down on my yoga mat, pretending I’m at the ocean.

Sleep.

Get 7–9 hours of quality sleep to boost dopamine levels. Good sleep is essential for so many things, like lowering cortisol levels, recovery during stress or illness, and regulating your body’s neurotransmitter production system.

If you have trouble sleeping, take care to develop a good sleep habit.

Go to bed the same time every night when you can. Turn off the screen a half hour before. Don’t eat or drink right before bed.

Eliminate distractions or other health issues. If you snore and it wakes you up, find the reasons why and deal with those to help increase your oxygen levels.

If you wake up all night long every few hours, figure out what may be causing that. Have blood work done and check for any nutritional deficiencies that may affect sleep quality.

Cut back on alcohol, as that disrupts and reduces REM sleep cycles, so you wake up feeling even more tired and groggy.

Sleep is essential for good health, so make that the most important focus for your brain.

How to Increase Oxytocin:

Now, do all the things above, but with someone you love.

By participating in all the dopamine-increasing activities with someone you love or care about, such as a family member, a friend, or even a healthy partner, you will increase oxytocin as well.

Seriously, oxytocin is the connection and love hormone. It’s a bonding hormone.

This is why when you have amazing sex, it creates an attachment to the person you’re having sex with. The dopamine and oxytocin levels are flowing.

There are a few other ways to increase oxytocin.

Animals.

If you have a dog or cat, pet them, walk them, and spend time with them. Loving on an animal can raise your oxytocin levels and even lower stress levels.

Meditation and Yoga.

Deep breathing, meditation, and breath with movement significantly reduce stress levels, and that creates the perfect environment for greater oxytocin levels.

It also feels really good for your body to feel so calm, centered, and at peace.

Kindness.

Do nice, kind things for someone else. Not out of obligation, but because you genuinely want to help. It feels good to care for others, and it does increase those oxytocin levels to get outside of your own head for a bit when your presence and effort have made a difference in someone else’s life.

Social Connection.

We are people who need people.

Connecting with others, socially, enjoying a meal together, and even some activities that involve groups also increase those oxytocin levels. Combine it with something you really love to do or are interested in if social situations aren’t your jam or it feels awkward.

Take up a new hobby, or pick up an old one you’ve been neglecting for a while and participate in a group experience of that interest.

Physical Affection.

Hugging. Cuddling. Massage. All of these contribute to that oxytocin boost and are a core part of why sex feels so good.

You can get that physical affection platonically, with other people in other ways, and without returning to a toxic relationship for your hit.

Fuck yourself. Respectively.

Seriously.

The chemicals released during masturbation are the same you receive during sex.

Touch yourself in sensual, loving, and pleasurable ways.

You trust yourself more than anyone else to touch you, so you don’t have to let down your guard.

You can relax in your own solitude. You can feel the sweet release in the privacy of your own space without requiring any performance for anyone else.

Serotonin. Dopamine. Endorphins. Oxytocin. These are the chemicals that will flood your brain and body.

Pain relief. Stress reduction. Better sleep quality.

And the best part? You can go anywhere in your mind, fantasize about anyone or anything you want. In your brain, anyone you want can be with you and love you while you’re fully loving yourself.

Or you can get physical affection from healthy romantic or sexual partners. This would be the ideal scenario, not returning to the unhealthy dynamic.

Maybe the connections will not be as intense. The extreme highs and deep lows will be absent, as the toxic cycle will no longer be the status quo, and at times it may even feel mundane, maybe even boring once in a while.

But, over time, the lack of intermittent reinforcement combined with the steady, increased levels of dopamine and oxytocin as opposed to the erratic, inconsistent bursts of chemicals will become a more familiar and consistent pattern for your brain and body.

Your brain will become used to a steady, consistent flood of chemicals when you have secure, healthy partners to reach for and rely on.

You will learn to relax; your body will feel like a safer place to reside, and you will begin to learn to trust yourself and others again.

And then maybe that toxic relationship sex will stop having that pull to keep you coming back for more.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.