American Existential Psychologist Rollo May said, “I think anxiety is associated with creativity… What anxiety means is that when the world is knocking at the door, you need to create. You need to do something. And I think anxiety, thus is for well people, who are, who have found their own heart and their own souls. For them it is a stimulus for creativity, toward courage, is what makes us human beings.”
Can anxiety be a gateway, an access to creativity? Anxiety, being anxious is to be human. I believe that anxiety is Yin and Yang, too. One side of anxiety can become obsession, that can crash and burn. On the other side, anxiety can become creation, in creating ourselves as unrecognizable.
I have and had anxiety when I dare to be as great as I can be, in Aikido, in writing, in my systems engineering career. I endured my abusive and traumatic childhood. Dad scared the hell out of me when I was a little boy. Whatever I did or didn’t do only made him so angry with me. I feared inside that I was not good enough for Dad, that I never would be. I feared that I was not good enough for anyone else, including me. That sourced my anxiety. That became my life sentence. Although that was not written in stone.
I’m Godan (5th degree black belt) in over 35 years of Aikido training. Every time I tested, whether for Shodan (1st degree black belt) or Sandan (3rd degree black belt), I had anxiety. Got anxious. I feared inside that I’m not good enough. I feared inside that I could be great, too. My Yin and Yang. I didn’t run from what I feared. I didn’t defend against what I feared. I accepted my fear, my anxiety. I did what I had to and gave up what I needed to be as great as I could be. I created my Aikido. I created myself, too.
Ishibashi Sensei said, “The purpose of Aikido is to release your fear.” Sensei said, “The safest place to be is under the attack, in the danger.” When the bigger stronger man attacks, I wait it out. I give him my center. I take his center. In the center of the attack, in the danger, I hold my position under the attack. I apply the Aikido technique to myself, not to the attacker. Aikido Founder O-Sensei said, “True victory is victory over oneself.” It’s me against me. Although I’m anxious and scared, I create myself in the moment.
Under the attack, in the danger, I open up. I let go my fear and anxiety inside that I’m not good enough over, and over, and over again. Although that fear and anxiety never completely disappears, every time I enter the danger, I let go more of my fear and anxiety. I free myself. I create me.
We all fear change in some shape or form. That’s the human design. Change can be dangerous, a threat to our very identity. My therapist Lance Miller said, “Change is simply change.” Instead of seeing anxiety as something to be avoided, to be feared, we can see anxiety as an opportunity, as what’s possible. We embrace that. We create ourselves in that.
Experiencing anxiety is about being present, accepting whatever happens. Not fighting it. Not avoiding it. Change is inevitable. That’s just life. At least in my experience, my anxiety comes from things that haven’t happened yet. I have anxiety that they might not turn out the way I want them. I’m anxious about the unknown, about what I can’t control. That’s the inherent human design. Still, anxiety opens me up to change, invites change. I open up to create myself.
In Aikido, I don’t defend against the attack. I don’t resist it. I don’t avoid it. I invite the attack. Although, I have anxiety about what will happen, about the unknown future, I don’t fight that. I invite anxiety. I flow with it. Bruce Lee said, “Water can flow, or it can crash. Be water, my friend.”
In the First Noble Truth of Buddhism, there will always be suffering in life. The Fourth Noble Truth of Buddhism is the path to end suffering. On the path to end suffering be like water, flow with life. Like water we flow, change, and open to life.
Discussing greatness, the late 5-time NBA Champion Kobe Bryant said, “There’s a lot of darkness. There’s a lot of personal experiences. There’s a lot of the anxiety, the fear, and the anger, and all of that stuff plays a significant part of it as much as love does. It’s not easy. But if it were easy, then we’d have a world filled with lions.” No one worked harder being the greatest that he could be than Kobe. He attained legendary greatness. He was a lion.
Greatness is not easy. Anxiety is not easy, too. Yet, anxiety and fear are accesses to creativity, to greatness. No, I’m not great. I’m not great like Kobe Bryant. Still, I’ve achieved great things when I accept my anxiety and let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough over, and over, and over again. I free myself. I’m free to be me.
On the path of greatness, Kobe said that on the other side of anxiety is love. Again, he would know. On my path to fall madly and deeply in love with a woman, who will love me back, I have anxiety. I fear that I’m not good enough for women. That I’m not what women want. I’m 5’ 3”. I’m not handsome. I don’t look like Brad Pitt or Keanu Reeves. I’m not exactly rich.
I have nothing to do with goes on inside women. Still, I have a say in what goes on inside me. I work on myself, not on them. That’s all I can do. I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not. Maybe, the great love of my life is possible in anxiety. Who knows? Lightning could strike.
In anxiety is the possibility of becoming the greatest man that I can be. I work on myself, not on others. I put my head down. Put in the work. Just train. I’m good with the man, I am. I have a meaningful life, a life that I love.
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