It’s a pretty well-accepted psychological notion that all of us, men and women, have both masculine and feminine elements in our makeup and we identify with a balance between you at some point on a spectrum which may only have a tenuous relationship with our biological gender. This view is only being further validated by the current wave of interest in transgender individuals of all ages and an emerging sense that the biological identity we were give at birth is only one factor in a number of others which determines which gender – if any – we choose to identify ourselves with.
In my experience, a man and woman relate differently to each other depending to how connected they are with your own, and each other’s, masculine and feminine qualities. This list is intended to help you recognise how these gender dynamics may operate in your relationship, and what changes, if any, it may be possible or desirable to make.
The best option: when you are comfortable with your masculinity, and feel sure that your partner accepts and appreciates it.
You’ll be the best that you can be for her! Because you won’t need to prove anything. Or be afraid of sharing your vulnerabilities and fears, as well as your strengths and certainties; your ‘failures’ as well as your successes;
You’ll have clear boundaries, so she can relax and be fully herself without fear of transgressing your tender areas or causing unintended hurt. From a place of confidence and sufficiency, you will empower her and encourage her to be ‘all that she can be’, in her own terms.
You’ll be sure that she has your best interests at heart; that she desires and loves you, and you will feel able to be fully yourself without worrying about posing any risk or threat to her.
You will not be shy about reminding her how important she is to you; or reassuring her that you are committed to being with her.
You’ll feel more interested in listening to her and making her feels special, than in trying to impress her to gain her respect. You’ll feel strong enough to hear, not fear, any anger she feels towards you.
You will completely trust her, and be worthy of her trust.
You’ll be open to learning and growing if she tells you you is falling short of what she needs from you, or have inadvertently hurt her.
As a lover, you will be strong and gentle, leading and following, you will celebrate and sometimes ‘contain’ her sexuality so that she can feel free to abandon herself completely with you.
You will feel reassured that she is happy to be your woman, and for you to be her man.
How will you know if she feels this way about you?
She’ll trust you and expect the best from you; without feeling any need to ‘manage’ you, because she’ll feel able to rely on you to look after her and yourself.
She’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, together with compassion and understanding, if you seem to have behaved towards her in a way that is unexpected or hurtful;
She’ll encourage you to use your abilities and skills to support her, and will show you appreciation for that whenever you do.
She’ll be able to surrender to you and follow you, without fearing that you want power over her, and know that you’re committed to equality between you, and to your mutual growth and empowerment—as well as to celebrating your differences.
She will trust that if you need time alone or away from her, you will take it, and then come back to her with renewed enthusiasm and commitment for your journey together.
She’ll be happy to show you that she wants to be at the centre of your life;
She’ll value herself, feeling confident that you would not be spending time with her unless she was special to you;
She’ll enjoy being feminine with you, sure that you doesn’t see that as weak or in any way ‘less’ than you, and knowing that you he respects it and needs all aspects of her womanliness in your life;
She won’t be afraid to question your views or actions when she disagrees with you, or be tempted to indulge you or lie; because she knows you’re strong enough to hear the truth, and wants nothing less.
She’ll celebrate your successes, rather than be threatened by you, but will empathise with your failures—feeling confident that you will prevail, or adapt if necessary, in the long term.
If you’re comfortable in your masculinity, but not sure if your woman accepts and appreciates that in you
You may fear that she will need to undermine you if she sees your male strengths as a threat, rather than something she appreciates and wants in her life;
You’ll often have a sense that something is wrong between you, without being clear what it is; and when you ask what you’re upset about, she’ll deny it.
She may show a lack of sensitivity and empathy, which will feel tiresome and irritating. Your attempts at intimate conversations will often end up with misunderstandings which feel hurtful and distancing to both.
You may feel that, for her, relating to you is more about ‘learning (your) rules’ than it is learning about, accepting and appreciating your nature and character.
You won’t be able to rely on her to support you, so will keep her at the periphery of your life; putting your time together in a ‘box’ where you can feel safe, and not feel let down or disappointed.
You’ll do your best to understand her reactions to you—trying to bridge the gap that you sense between what she says she feels, and the way that she actually is with you.
You will accept the possibility that, if she cannot change, you’ll need to leave her so as to protect your integrity, and avoid a mutually damaging ‘entanglement’.