Getting the Scars but Coming Out Unscathed

For this year’s Christmas special we have our guest host, me, talking about my resolution for the upcoming year urged by the aforementioned challenge.

Of course, as per my nature as a human, I won’t make this a notebook-entry kind of piece, but rather, I will try to inspire anyone reading through my past experiences in this piece.

Many of us have faced a lot of challenges during the past year, especially given the apocalyptic type of situation we are all in.

Nonetheless, I am going to indirectly connect this 2021 rewind with a theme that my whole life is subject to, as well as the current concept of the series of articles I am currently writing: self-esteem.

A Semester of Growing Apart

Nearly locked down by Greece’s government decisions regarding Covid-19, 2021 began with a packed academic schedule issued by the MBA program I was and still am attending all remotely handled.

This made most of my days full of studying, laptop staring, Microsoft Teams calls about group assignments, and lots of digital discussions because of the latter.

Of course, as a social individual, I couldn’t possibly pass my days with solely this type of routine. Thankfully, I had a friend in a similar situation though work-related, whom I spent a lot of time with during weekends both blowing some steam off.

These all seem well and good, but something was amiss. Having surprisingly a fine balance on the 2/3 of the whole pie, social and professional life, that one piece missing was the romantic one.

Skipping through the details of 2020, this year began with me getting somewhat ghosted by the girl I liked, having already confessed the previous year my feelings but getting the “it’s not you, it’s the timing” type of answer; quite a procuring theme in my romantic life.

We were quite close with this one despite the former answer though; we both felt (as far as I can possibly know) that we were extremely similar and quite connected spiritually.

I believed in this so much, that it made me stick around with her to make it work somehow after her answer. But let’s not digress much. What is this having to do with self-esteem?

The answer put in the bluntest way possible comes with another question: what kind of individual would stick around in an unbalanced situation to the point that the inevitable parting comes around?

Most people with the information given would answer, “but of course, the ones that seek genuine love”. You got that right fellas and thanks a lot for that. Nevertheless, another concept that can make someone become the emotional pillow for someone else, is having low self-esteem.

By emotional pillow of course I mean being there for someone emotionally without getting back as much in regards to the intimacy you are looking for.

How does one escape this fate though, given the fact that they are afraid of the consequences of staying away and saying no to the person they like?

The answer is to first value your thoughts and feelings so that they become valued by the person in front of you as well. Secondly and ironically, you have to forcibly do just that: stay away from anyone valuing you less than you do them, and less than you truly desire to be valued in your mind.

Taking this excruciating step that at first feels like it breaks you apart, not only gives you the appropriate space and time to think things through but also makes your subconscious mind believe that it doesn’t need people that see less of what you intend to give out.

Of course, this girl didn’t have any bad intentions; it’s just that our needs and possibly things we sought out didn’t interlock at that time.

To be completely honest, she tried to connect with me a few times after some months passed from the ghosting, but I decided to bide my time, alone.

The story doesn’t end here though, but through the first 5 months off staying virtually and physically away from her, I learned through the hard way what a devalued-by-themselves person has to ultimately do to start to see their worth again.

#Lesson 1: Accept yourself as is, but accept the other person as is as well. Say YES to all of you, and YES to their whole too. And then, you will become free.

Like a Scene Coming Out From a Movie

Getting past the exams in June, this time of the year had officially begun; summertime, beaches, and no external pressure for 2 whole months.

Before returning to my hometown from the place I currently reside, as well as being influenced by all the things I thought about and talked about with my friends during those 5 months of staying away, I decided to schedule a meeting with the aforementioned girl.

Now, most of you would say: “but isn’t this directly opposing the first lesson?”, “haven’t you learned through your experience what the outcome would be?”.

In my defense, not only I hadn’t completely digested the true meaning of that lesson at that time, but I am also a somewhat hopeless romantic type of person. I thought that a second chance might turn things around given the period of silence.

When we met, she looked at me with a bright smile on her face and rushed over to hug me tightly like I was the most important person in the world. These small gestures had won me over in the first place.

After we’d talked about our previous 5 months while walking, we paused in front of a dancing fountain display. She then looked at me and said, “I am truly sorry for stopping the contact with you”.

I hugged her and answered, “it’s ok, I’ve decided to give you a second chance because I value our connection a lot and I truly believe that you do so as well”.

She immediately confirmed that. Hence, I made the move to tell her where I stand. As many of you already suspect, she answered that this isn’t the appropriate time since we will both be separated for the summer.

However, this time she accompanied that with a “when we both return from our summer vacation we will think and talk about it”.

Of course, this raised a red flag in my mind. But as I said before, with my nature as it is, I said alright. And what’s more, I honestly couldn’t find the power in me to move forward that summer with another girl, even though my options weren’t limited.

One part inside me just couldn’t scrap that possibility of us getting together after these 2 months ended and we both returned to the same place.

What I did this whole time though, before and after that incident, was to constantly read about psychology and try to comprehend what was on her mind.

And that summer lead me to this realization:

#Lesson 2: To truly accept someone else, you have to first candidly understand their point of view. And of course, the same goes for you.

Fast Forward to Today

Lessons 1,2, and 3 are meant to be inverted in their order of practice. I put them on purpose this way though, to highlight the fact that sometimes you might think you know something but you can usually find a deeper layer to it.

So, after summer vacation finished we’ve met and talked things through, but the development wasn’t in the favor I wanted it to be. It seemed like an “invincible force” was stopping her from moving forward together.

We kissed alright, but that still didn’t spark any change in her mind and the overall situation.

Time passed since then and the progress was nearly zero. I noticed that I became more and more distressed, and hence, after a certain amount of time passed I decided to keep my distance again so I can stay mentally healthy.

Nevertheless, I had started to understand her line of thinking better and better till I reached a point where I honestly believed that this wouldn’t lead to anything even though I had understood her as much as I could.

There wasn’t much point in doing so anyway, given the fact that after all these hours of contemplating passed, the invisible force I said before turned out to be the most obvious lesson I have forgotten in regards to intimacy:

#Lesson 3: To engage in an intimate relationship, you need to initially create a romantic atmosphere between you and the other person and then notice if both sides are equally eager to dive into it.

The Resolution

To sum up, this year, in retrospect, gave me 3 very important lessons that are much needed for me to receive and give that genuine love I am looking for. Of course, 2 out of 3 lessons are vital for progressing through life in general.

Therefore, in order for me to emerge from the ashes anew, I decided to make room inside of me so that there’s space for some love to myself as well. How can I achieve that? By being resolute on doing the following:

#1: Have clearly established boundaries; to not enter situations that only compromise me

#2: Gain even more empathy; to understand other people’s side early on

#3: Look out for and never defy the 4 horsemen of love; namely, romantic affection, deep connection, warm familiarity, and reciprocating empowerment

So, I am currently eager to see what 2022 holds in line for me and how my resolution will help me in getting closer to the version of myself I want to become. And of course, what changes or additions it might need in the future.

Happy New Year and stay safe and loved!

Be like the ocean, breathtaking to look at, powerful enough to impact those around you, and gentle enough so that others can find comfort in your presence.

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Previously Published on medium

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