Giving Friends Space

While many people hate social distancing and miss their once active social lives, for introverts, this aspect of the pandemic might have been a boon.

Of course, it depends on how introverted the person is. Even the most introverted people do need some social interaction, though for many, a monthly Zoom session might do the trick.

The fact is that not everyone wants or needs the same things when it comes to human contact.

A case in point is a good friend of mine who is dealing with a grave personal loss.

My normal instinct would be to take her out for pampering. But… that is not what she wants or needs.

When I found out her situation, I asked her what she wanted.

Because she is not the same as me, and treating her like I would want to be treated is not always the right approach, though in the macro sense it absolutely is. In the macro sense, treating someone like you would want to be treated includes not just putting yourself in their shoes but seeing the world through their lens.

From that perspective… it made sense that what my friend needed was not companionship in her time of grief, but space.

I did not call her. I did text her and let her know I was thinking of her and that I love her. Then… I left her alone.

She knows I’m here. I gave her the space to process and respond in her own time. She appreciated that.

I do worry about her, but I make the effort not to bother her more than an occasional text, no more than once a week. Just letting her know she is loved. When and if she wants more, she can let me know. This may seem bizarre to those who are super extroverted, but for an introvert, this can be the least stressful way to deal with social interactions in a time of sadness. An introvert only has so much bandwidth. If he or she is dealing with an emotional crisis, there may not be any energy left for even the best of friends.

In some cases, showing up with food and hugs and then immediately leaving might be welcome. In some cases, hanging out without talking, just being physically there, might be what an introvert needs.

But for truly hard core introverts, even these less intrusive forms of care-taking might be too much to handle.

The thing is, every one is different.

When I was in the hospital, I loved having visitors but I would not have loved having several at a time. In that sense, COVID worked for me, as well, because the hospital restricted access to one visitor at a time.

While I am an introvert, I’m not as hard-core as many. For me, the pertinent equation involves three factors — number of people, how close I feel to them, and how long we are together.

For example, when I went to New Orleans with one of my best friends, we were together for a week. However, he and I spent 3–4 hours each day alone, and we weren’t always chatting when we were together. I’ve known him for over 30 years, so we are quite comfortable hanging out in silence. At the other end of the spectrum, when I’ve gone to large parties where I hardly know anyone, I usually need to leave after an hour or two. If I’m having a good time and I push myself to hang out longer, I’ll need a couple of days in my cave afterwards to recover.

It’s unfortunate that we live in an extroverted society. The reality is that no one should be judged.

Extroverts should not feel bad that they want to be around people, though it may be of benefit to them to occasionally seek time alone. Introverts should not feel bad for wanting to avoid people, though they should also occasionally push themselves to socialize. But how far to push? That needs to be up to the individual. Ultimately, friendship is about respecting boundaries and not imposing our will on others but appreciating them for what they are. JMHO.

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This post was previously published on Age of Awareness.

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