As a columnist for ten years, I became a compulsive note-taker who started jotting down where I couldn’t conceive of “him,” which happened more and more when I felt understood the dynamics of “him” and “I”. But oftentimes, I think women would be freed of those pressures if they’d simply been argued with as much as they been confused. Studies further point to these types of conflicts as helpful in marital and relational constructs, as men are driven by conversations to “achieve tangible outcomes”, whereas women use communication to develop in the relationship (Leaper, 1991; Maltz & Borker, 1982; Wood, 1996; Mason, 1994).
However, arguing can also be very harboring. Once again, men tend to argue to draw points, or to actually assert dominance or status in a relationship with language, whereas women look to develop it (Gray, 1992; Tannen, 1990). There are grey areas to suggest men are not always looking to maintain the bond, and this grey area can be difficult for us women who struggle more with boundaries and individual identities in relationships, when it’s men who can be looking for merely a stark conclusion to be made in conversations (Chodorow, 1989; Hartmann, 1991; Statham, 1987; Surrey, 1983).
Thus, I got to a point in my early 30’s after a string of failed relationships where I really wanted to know why I wasn’t getting a point across to someone I really fell in love with. I really wanted to know, what’s the issue between us? Quite simply, Why aren’t we bonding?
“I can tell you,” he answered, “it’s just I don’t want to hear the arguing.” I thought long and hard and came to the conclusion that I wanted to hear what he had to say; however, I felt sensitive to what he may say, and then realized it was an absolute fear of arguing that made me feel as if I was a presence to never be implicating, but to rather be powerless as a scapegoat becomes in a relationship when she cannot be proactive about her needs either.
So here are some tips for helping men to discern if they’re providing women with enough insight to be proactive readers in relationships rather than placating players who can’t fully can’t fully commit in a way that would resolve relational conflicts.
Are you arguing with her?
Are you willing to argue with her? It’s quite simply a point of reference to how you overall feel about your relationship. Are you telling her how you feel? Are you making it clear you’re willing to explain why you feel unimportant, and she’s cherished enough for you to disclose your personal thoughts? As mentioned earlier, it’s these types are arguments that help men develop solutions. Thus, it’s important to think about why you should be willing to tell her how you feel, and why she’s the person who want to reveal those thoughts to.
Are you telling you what you feel?
Are you willing to disclose your innermost emotions? Are you willing to say how you feel? As women, it can be hard to read your mind. Men have radically different ways of communicating their emotions, and there’s no shortage of evidence to suggest these differing styles have created issues relationally for both men and women. But it’s a way for us to be introspective about ourselves, and implicating (since women also tend to be manipulative in arguments as well), and overall proactive in relationships since we begin to understand why you are thinking what you are thinking when this happens, and how we can address those needs (Gender Differences in Leadership, 2012)
Are you asking for her to implicate herself to your needs?
It’s important to ask you partner where you want her to water down herself personally and be candid about where she doesn’t have tolerance. Where there isn’t necessarily room for another woman to be loving with him, where she needs to be number one, where you’re not always the one she thinks can understand her. I understand this could be a slightly darker area, but bringing someone to lightness is highly circumstantial based on the man and his situation. It’s often some of the darker things that relationally can help relationships survive, and a female being implicating can help her get through it, and pull herself through with her partner as well.
Overall, being a member of the relationship is what needs to occur for relational growth. The caveat is that it comes in some relatively self-deprecating & challenging inner work that doesn’t always seem enlightening in the least bit of self-disclosing that it may require for both men and women to survive each other. It may be difficult for him to complain about my appearance when he could simply look to give light compliments where he does find me attractive; but in the same respect, to be implicating about where the presence of another woman who is simply too challenging for the relationship is what may lie on the opposite spectrum end that pulls a relationship into deeper growth and nakedness between two people. And this is why taking the plunge to arguing is quite simply the catalyst for growth. Positives or negatives needs really not to be requisites for conclusions that are significant for relationships to be made.
Leaper. C. (1991). Influence and involvement in children’s discourse: Age, gender, and Gender Differences in Leadership 59 partner effects. Child Development, 62,797-811
Maltz, D. N., & Borker, R. (1982). A cultural approach to male-female miscommunication. In J. J. Gumpertz (Ed.), Language and social identity. Cambridge; Cambridge University Press.
Wood, J. T (1996). Gendered lives: Communication, gender and culture (2nd ed). Belmont, CA; Wadsworth.
Mason, E. S. (1994). Gender differences in job satisfaction. The Journal of Social Psychology,135, 143-151.
Merchant, Karima, “How Men And Women Differ: Gender Differences in Communication Styles, Influence Tactics, and Leadership Styles” (2012). CMC Senior Theses. Paper 513. http://scholarship.claremont.edu/cmc_theses/513
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