I’ve been owned by cats and I’ve owned dogs. Dogs, notoriously, burp and fart. Especially fart.
Dogs prefer to fart in your face, while lying on your lap or next to you, or while asleep in your bed. Dog burps are even more indiscriminate. They do both while continuing to grin at you with doggy loopiness and unconditional love. And we forgive them because they’re so damned cute.
Besides, we get even by farting on them in the same situations. We can even make them think they did it. Dogs are gullible like that.
This morning, as my cat watched my every move during breakfast — perched on the side table where I place my coffee and food while reading and eating — I let out an unladylike and unexpected burp. The kitty was unperturbed. In fact, she never took her eyes off the oat milk in my cereal. Yes, I give her the leftovers. Get over it.
Watching her look casually up at me to see if I was noticing her watching the oat milk, it occurred to me.
Cats don’t burp or fart!
How is that possible? Do they not have gastrointestinal tracts? Are they not mammals? Were the ancient Egyptians correct and cats are actually gods?
If they are mammals and not gods, and if they do have gastrointestinal tracts, which — indicated by their constant demand for food even when there’s food in their dish — they do, then where fluff does the gas go?
I have some theories.
Purring: Science and crazy cat ladies everywhere have yet to determine where purring originates.
If you, too, are a crazy cat lady — sorry, I mean crazy cat person — you have likely run your hands over your cat while they’re purring, in hopes of locating the holy grail of the purr generator. Until your cat gets tired of your groping and gives you a little love nip, that is. Blood is a small sacrifice to make in the name of science.
Since the location of the purr mechanism can’t be found, my theory is that it’s gas running throughout the cat’s body creating the sound.
Haven’t you had gas pains appear in odd places in your body? Especially after abdominal surgery. The gas roams unhindered through your shoulder blades, your upper chest and into your lower back, all through your abdomen, and into your neck, before gleefully finding one of your two outlets and bursting free.
Purring may be the same roaming gas, only producing a sound like a small motor running, and not ever finding an outlet. Which explains the never-ending supply of purrs. What it doesn’t explain is why cats don’t explode.
And don’t talk to me about exploding cats because I won’t listen. Urban myths do not equate to scientific facts unless you are a right-wing catastrophic nutcase.
Meowing: My other theory is the gas escapes while cats are screaming at us to fill the food bowl to the top when it becomes half-full. Cats are spiritual and slow torture experts at manifesting abundance.
As they emit these food-demanding screeches, perhaps the gas goes out with the sound. It explains why they don’t need to fart. It explains the fishy smell they release into our faces while perched on our stomachs in the morning when we’re still in bed, as they loudly demand our servitude.
Maybe every cat sound in cat language releases a small amount of gas. From sweet mews to trills, from chittering at “prey” to meow talking back to us, it all releases gas, without the embarrassment of dog and people-like burps and farts.
If you have a talker, then they have a lot of gas. Maybe try changing their diet. Good luck with that.
If you have a quiet cat, then either you feed them the perfect diet, or they really are gods. I suspect the latter.
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This post was previously published on MuddyUm.
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