Tingling in my arms. Short gasping breaths. Tightness in my chest. Heart racing.
What I thought was an oncoming heart attack thankfully was not. It was a panic attack. I know that now but I didn’t then. It happened at night as I was trying to get to sleep; a sleep that would not come until the attack subsided.
The scary thing was that I had experienced them before. And even scarier and more foolish was that I did not tell anyone. I mean no one. Not even my wife of thirty plus years. I kept it to myself and ignored the attacks because they went away after a short period of time and seemingly I returned to normal as well.
As I discovered, I never really returned to normal because the attacks would come again. Not always as bad, but still the racing of the heart and shortness of breath. Throughout that time I kept it to myself and never spoke about it.
I became quite adept at hiding and burying my illness.
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Now, a few years later,, I know I was sick. Not physically, but certainly with a mental health issue. It turns out I had anxiety and the panic attacks were the result of it getting out of control. I did not take any steps to deal with the anxiety and I let it run unchecked. I became quite adept at hiding and burying my illness.
It was not until my wife, a registered clinical counsellor, and I were having what seemed to be an innocent conversation that it began to dawn on her that I had serious anxiety issues. As I described some of the behaviours I displayed growing up, and the fact that sometimes I struggled to get to sleep, she began to understand. And that is when I finally spoke up about the attacks that I was having.
For both of us it was like a light was turned on in a dark room. That moment when you realize, “now I get it.” And get it I did after she was able to ask me some questions and also gave me a slight rebuke for not sharing. I had an illness and it was nothing to be ashamed about. She assured me I could get help and that there were ways to deal with it.
Instead of waiting, I should have spoken up and shared. Just as I would have shared if I had gotten a serious physical illness.
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You see, I did not want to share with her because I did not want to worry her. And I also did not want to show any weakness. I had to be tough and resilient. I could get through this on my own. She had enough in her life to worry about and did not need to worry about me. At least, that’s what the anxiety told me.
Well, it took some time and it continues to take time but from that day of discovery, I took steps to get help. Today, I am much better. Yes, I do still get anxious at times, but through getting help I am able to identify it, put it into perspective and do a much better job of curbing it. And thankfully the panic attacks have disappeared.
The first step to better health for me was to talk about my anxiety, the illness that was affecting my life. Instead of waiting, I should have spoken up and shared. Just as I would have shared if I had gotten a serious physical illness.
My story is like so many. That is why it is so important to talk, to share, and to speak up about mental health issues. Thankfully, I have my anxiety under control. However, there are many others who do not. If you have anxiety that is controlling your behaviours and you are having panic attacks, don’t be like me. Please talk to someone. I am so thankful that I had someone to talk to about it, and it made all the difference.
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