If you’ve ever visited a discussion group on high sensitivity, one thing will not go unnoticed: it is a topic debated almost exclusively by women. My personal estimation is that 95 percent of the people I have spoken about the highly sensitive trait are women. With the lack of highly sensitive men participating in discussions around this you could be left wondering if high sensitivity is an exclusively feminine trait.
But this couldn’t be more far from the truth. In her research on highly sensitive people, American psychologist Elaine Aron concludes as many men as women are affected by this trait.
So where are the highly sensitive men?
About 20 percent of the population are highly sensitive. With a world population of seven billion that is at least one billion highly sensitive people, of which half are men. Not all of the highly sensitive people know that they have the trait. Most do not even know the trait exists, though they will have noticed from an early age that they feel differently than others. A highly sensitive person may think something like:
“I’m the only one in the office who gets bothered by the tapping sounds of the PC keyboards—there must be something wrong with me.”
There is still a long way to go in bringing high sensitivity to the attention of the general public. But this does not explain why highly sensitive men—compared to highly sensitive women—are so invisible. The reasons for this lie in our our cultural images of masculinity and (high) sensitivity.
Sensitivity has a bad reputation
The dominant image in our culture of the man is that of someone who is strong, domineering, status-oriented and unemotional. From childhood on we are brought up with this image: not only in movies and on TV, but also at home, at school, at the sports club and even at work. Someone like Jordan Belfort aka The Wolf of Wall Street— fearless, ruthless and extremely competitive—is generally considered more masculine and more successful than a male nurse who is kind, compassionate and caring, but deemed feminine.
Sensitivity—and certainly high sensitivity—are associated with weakness, vulnerability and unmanagable emotions. Just search Google for “sensitive” and you’ll find snapshots of timid children and cloying sweet butterflies. In other words: just about everything that a “real” man is not. Sensitivity has a reputation for being soft and is therefore considered a trait that fits women better.
Women do boxing … but men don’t do zumba
In recent decades, women have shaken off many preconceptions, especially that they are overly emotional, vulnerable, and weak creatures (although in some places little has changed). Nowadays, women can also appear strong, dominant, status-oriented and coldbloded. The image of the powerful woman has been around for some time.
At the same time men barely managed to emancipate. Certainly, a large number of people no longer consider men to be the callous types we know from TV series like Mad Men. But men will often not feel able to show too much of their sensitive side.
Dutch journalists Jop de Vrieze and Stephan van Duin write in an article titled “Why Women Do Boxing, But Men Don’t Do Zumba”:
“Men still don’t register en masse for pilates, horse riding or power yoga courses. They are still severely under-represented in what is seen as ‘soft professions’. And they still spend much less time with their families than women. All these things, as is still the prevailing view, are not meant for men. That is our masculine mystique.”
As a result men themselves impose all sorts of restrictions on themsleves and choose lives that does not necessarily suit them. Even their physical and mental health can suffer because of this. Men are keeping up appearances, just so they won’t come across as soft or unmanly.
High sensitivity makes a man strong, in a way
But are highly sensitive men by definition soft-hearted? Is high sensitivity a trait defined by weakness?
Being highly sensitive means: being receptive to stimuli from the environment and processing these stimuli more intensely. In some situations this can increase vulnerability. The highly sensitive man can experience anxiety, stress and disappointment more intensely than other men. He may be stung by a friend or colleague’s unkind comment more easily and he may quickly become overwhelmed by an overstimulating environment.
But this is only one aspect of high sensitivity. Being receptive to your environment also reflects a great aptitude for creative thinking, to perceive nuances, to make informed decisions and to quickly understand the mood of a group. It can also mean thriving in an environment that is suited for people of high sensitivity. This is generally one that is significantly muted with less sensory stimulation. High sensitivity makes a man far from being weak or incompetent.
Men are just as sensitive as women
Also, the prevailing view of a “real” man is no longer sustainable. Research confirms that sensitivity and emotions are human qualities, and not reserved for one gender. In an article about highly sensitive men the American psychologist Ted Zeff writes:
“Given our societal norms, it may come as a surprise that newborn boys are actually more emotionally reactive than girls. One study showed that baby boys cry more than baby girls when they are frustrated; yet by the age of five, most boys suppress all their feelings except anger. However, even though boys are taught to maintain emotional control, measuring their heart rate or skin conductance (sweaty palms) in emotionally arousing situations demonstrates that there is no difference between boys’ and girls’ responses.”
Thus, men are as sensitive as women; they just may not feel comfortable to show their sensitivity.
Highly sensitive men must overcome an additional obstacle
For every highly sensitive person (man or woman) recognizing and accepting their trait is an exciting and sometimes difficult process which takes many years. But men have to overcome an additional obstacle: their image of themselves as a man.
If you are a man who grew up in an environment where being a man is measured by things like coldbloodedness, dominance and competitive drive, it may be very difficult to admit that you might be more sensitive. Many men are therefore inclined to hide their high sensitivity.
Personally, I totally understand this feeling of shame. When I read a book about high sensitivity for the first time, it really struck a chord. But I told myself: “I’m not highly sensitive. Well maybe just a tiny bit!”
To admit that you are highly sensitive—even if it’s just for yourself—is to admit that you are somehow not a “real” man. If you have accepted the standard image of the “real” man, owning your high sensitivity feels like admitting that you’re unmanly.
How do we break the taboo for highly sensitive men?
Unfortunately, there is no easy solution for this. But I do believe that change is possible. We need to recognize that all kinds of men are required in our world and coolbloodedness and an aggressive competitive drive are not requisite for living a meaningful and rich life. We need to give highly sensitive men (and highly sensitive women) permission to fully be their sensitive selves. Only then can they fully share their wonderful qualities into our world.
Read more:
- Rick Belden about his experiences as a highly sensitive man: “I Am a Highly Sensitive Man”
- Ted Zeff on the masculine ideal and the prejudices about high sensitivity: “Healing the Highly Sensitive Male”
- Dan McLeod, a psychologist from Sydney, recently published a book on highly sensitive men: “The Highly Sensitive Man: Embrace the kind, strong and wholehearted man within”
Photo credit: Getty Images
Thanks Pieter, chatting to an HSP friend yesterday I was reminded about being HSP and the benefits and challenges it brings. I lead a busy life in London and tend to ‘forget’ I’m HSP then feel bad about myself when I’m triggered or overwhelmed instead of stepping away from the situation.
For those of you who can’t get enough of this topic: Andy Mort from Sheep Dressed Like Wolves has published an excellent broadcast on HSP men today. See: http://www.andymort.com/176-highly-sensitive-men/
Thank you for this great article!
I have the distinct feeling that being sensitive will get in the way of me being stoic, indifferent, apathetic and blase … I am not convinced it is worth the price of admission. I will keep my “I don’t care” – it travels better
Great article. Glad to see the HSM discussion is getting traction. Just started my own blog http://www.thesensitiveman.com just recently. I do think it’s time we sensitive men own up to who we are and start making a difference in the world. As Dr. Aron says, we are here for an evolutionary purpose. Keep spreading the word.
Thank you, Bill. I’m glad to hear more and more men are finding the courage to express their true selves. Blogs like yours can help us feel we’re not alone.
Thank you for this article Pieter. It is important and good to hear. I wrote a similar article a year ago, asking the same question -http://www.crossingthethreshold.net/blog/the-silence-of-male-introverts-hsps – and most of the responses were from women.
As a way of reaching out to other quiet or sensitive men, I have held a series of conversations called “Gentle Men Discussions,” both via videoconferencing and in person in order to build community, share stories and to hopefully start to explore what a narrative might look like for masculinity that is inclusive of high sensitivity. More information here – http://www.crossingthethreshold.net/blog/gentle-men-discussion
Thank you, David. It’s wonderful to see you have dedicated part of your life to helping highly sensitive and introverted men. Keep it up!
Not sure I follow this approach – being over burdened by external stimuli is not an advantage one should seek. The whole idea is to process and prioritize, and then react to important stimuli.
I take it that this is yet another opinion piece on why men should be more sensitive, disguised within some idea of savant sensitivity. Seriously?
HSP – Highly Sensitive People are people with a recognized personality trait, in which people with that personality can’t help but experience stimuli on a deeper level with increased sensitivity. It can mean that noises and smells, for example, which for some reside in the background, unnoticed, can dominate the lived experience of a HSP, making a given situation to manage.
The HSP trait was discovered by Elain Aron and her husband. More information can be found here – http://hsperson.com/
You missed my point – let’s try not to make this trait into a virtue….which seems to be the “light” spin of this opinion piece. I’ll await the opinion piece on highly non-sensitive people, and how they are more able to discard noise and accomplish more than the average person. Will you write on this next?
Elissa, I never said the highly sensitive trait is a ‘virtue’. The trait can best be described as neutral and depending on the situation it can have both negative and positive outcomes. As I have stated in my piece, high sensitivity has been held in low regard for many years. People often have been focussing on the downsides, but there’s more to the trait than having a hard time concentrating in busy environments and overstimulation. Like I said, scientists have found highly sensitive people more likely to have empathic feelings (http://hsperson.com/pdf/The_highly_sensitive_brain_%20an_fMRI_study.pdf), also leaky sensory gating is associated with creative thinking… Read more »
In the view of this HSP, I do think it’s a virtue to be highly sensitive in certain environments. That’s the point: “in certain environments”. I’m a teacher. Being highly sensitive allows me to read student conflict situations faster than many of my non-HSP colleagues. It also has its weakness; because I’m not a “typical” male, many of my male students don’t take me as seriously as though should.
But I really don’t see what’s wrong with seeing the positives to being highly sensitive, especially given how long male HSPs have been sneered at.
Being highly sensitive is not something one “seeks”. It’s an inborn trait, like being left-handed, for example.
How nice it is to see articles like this written about men, by men. We’ve come a long way with regards to the way sensitivity is perceived, and we still have such a long way to go. I have a highly sensitive son who is loving, gentle, and is not afraid to show it. I hope he’s never made to feel like that’s a bad thing.
Thank you, Leila. I wish all parents were as understanding as you! It is so important for children to grow up in a supportive environment and this applies especially to highly sensitive children. Highly sensitive children are worse off than others if they grow up in a negative environment. The fortunate thing is that highly sensitive children are also highly susceptible to POSITIVE environments. In fact, scientists say highly sensitive children benefit more from such environments than children who do not have the trait (see: http://hsperson.com/pages/1Feb13.htm).
“Thus, men are as sensitive as women; they just may not feel comfortable to show their sensitivity.” Falls right in line with the attempt to box men in. Men are different then women, why is it so hard to understand it? Every man I know and I know MANY, are sensitive. The difference is that many men are discerning as to when and where they want to show their sensitivity. And I can tell you that for the most part, men are comfortable with other men when displaying it. That’s why I think it best that men be with other… Read more »
Women just don’t want sensitive men.
What “women” want is less important, of no consequence according to most visitors to GMP, than what is important to YOU. There are women who appreciate sensitivity but have been indoctrinated to equate a man’s high sensitivity to mean he’ll be afraid or unable to protect her and the life they have together. The sensitive man who desires a relationship will need to learn how to display and communicate the he can do just that.
Who is indoctrinating these women?