His and Hers: One Affair, Two Perspectives

The Guy’s Side of his Affair:

I started this thinking I could keep my freedom.

In the beginning, it was simple: I could say I was working and no one questioned it. Even when I wasn’t with her, I still had my “me time.” I still had space to breathe. That’s gone now.

When we first started seeing each other, I’d reach out maybe once a week, sometimes right after our dates, just to say I had a great time and that she meant something to me. It felt natural in small doses. But it wasn’t enough for her. She wanted more contact to feel it more, to believe she wasn’t just a body I visited and then put back on a shelf.

So I tried. Reluctantly at first. Then slowly, steadily, I gave her what she craved, constant reassurance, constant connection. Communication was never my strong suit. The sex was the glue for me: the intensity, the euphoria, the way it made the rest of my life feel less gray. Over nearly three years together (we had more than a few affairs between us before we met), and we both said, respectfully, that what we had was the best we’d ever had.

And I started pulling away at home. I stopped sleeping with my wife because everything in my house began to feel like a routine obligation compared to what I felt outside of it.

So what happened?

The communication she wanted turned into daily messaging. Still not my forte, but I kept doing it. Until the day I left my phone at home while I dropped the kids off at school. I didn’t think anything of it at the time.

Then the “good morning” message lit up my screen.

My wife saw the notification. And once she saw it, the rest was inevitable. She got access. And suddenly my life became damage control.

I confess…some of it. Not everything. Just enough. The slow drip of truth people call “trickle truth.”

What eats at me now is the irony: I never wanted the constant communication in the first place. And that’s what did me in. I should’ve had better opsec, I know. But she kept insisting I give her that daily connection, and now, if I’m being honest…I feel resentful. Angry, even. Not because she wanted to feel valued, but because I warned myself this was dangerous… and still let myself be pushed into the very habit that exposed everything.

We lasted almost three years. It was intoxicating. It kept me going. And now I’m the one living in the aftermath, the hell of it, while she gets to keep moving. She keeps her freedom. She keeps her secret. She keeps her life intact. And I’m left watching mine burn down in real time.

The one realization that might save my sanity is this: I wasn’t chasing love as much as I was chasing a high.

Somewhere in those three years, I layered in a gambling addiction, too. The cheating, the gambling, the lying, different costumes, same hunger. Just trying to feel alive. People say gamblers sometimes love the feeling of losing more than winning, because even when they lose, especially when they lose big, they can stand up and think, See? I’m still here. I’m still living.

That hits uncomfortably close.

I started this because I felt trapped: young kids, running my own business, constantly overwhelmed. I needed an outlet. I found one when I felt unappreciated at home, when my sexual needs weren’t being met. And in the process, I destroyed my wife’s trust. I broke her. I added a chunk of debt to my name. I set fire to the one life that was actually mine.

So yeah…when some men don’t want to do the constant communication thing, maybe don’t force it. Not because we don’t care, but because some of us have worse opsec than we think… and it only takes one slip.

I don’t know what this post will accomplish. But it feels good to put it somewhere outside my head. If nothing else, I hope everyone here finds some kind of peace before the cost shows up at your door.

So, he posts on r/adultery.
What happens?

His ex AP (affair partner) finds the post and tells her side of the story.

The Lady’s Side of the Affair:

The AP here… had to create a Reddit account just to make this comment. Pretty incredible how two different people engaged in the same thing see it differently.

First off, OP, I am sorry that you are hurting, and with time, I am sure it will get better, and you’ll get more freedom again.

Second, the affair felt as intoxicating as it did because it wasn’t just sex, because there was also that communication and the feels.

Third, a year ago, I told you I wanted to break it off because the level of engagement wasn’t good enough for me, and I wanted more, but YOU chose to give me more because you didn’t want to lose me. It wouldn’t have felt as good if the level of engagement were different. I just couldn’t do casual; it was hurting me. I needed more communication, not just to feel validated, but because I wanted to talk to you more, because I missed you, because I also needed friendship in an affair. I wanted a relationship, never wanted just casual sex, and was always clear about it. You were always clear that you wanted less, and I tried doing it your way, but I couldn’t. I wanted what I wanted. It was my comfort level because my standards for affairs are high, and because I can’t do it any other way anymore. You didn’t want someone simpler, though; you chose me. Not the previous casual things. Gotta be a reason for it too, I suppose. You wanted someone great, sophisticated, beautiful, available, and passionate, but we have high standards too; we want more in return than people who have less to offer. I don’t get turned on without the feels anymore, and you knew it, and you stayed.

I was there for you all the fucking time. I was your lover, your friend, your shrink, your partner in crime, but you make it sound like I forced you to talk to me, and, for the record, daily communication wasn’t the requirement, and for the most part, it wasn’t even daily. All the times you poured your worries and issues on me and got my advice, I guess I forced you. I guess I am sorry then.

You were the sunshine in my life and a lot more, and I would’ve waited forever for your situation at home to become better so we could resume, but I guess I was just “chasing a high for you. Oh well, I was stupid.

You said, in your app, all that would show up is “you have a message”; everything was hidden, the wife didn’t know the password, and the app needed a fingerprint. I am sorry, but you can’t blame this on me! I can take the blame for wanting the type of affair that I needed to be able to do it, but I can’t take the blame for your fucking up on your OPSEC. I am sorry. In the end, my heart got broken, too, and my life got turned upside down, too.

It’s sad to see that this is all you feel in the aftermath of this. I’ve thought about you and missed you and felt awful about what happened every minute of the past few weeks. I thought I meant at least something to you, but as the screen name suggests, I was just stupid! I was checking this sub, hoping to see someday something like “I got caught, but I miss my AP so much I can’t go on,” but I got this instead. Great! All you feel is anger that I didn’t get punished?! Go ahead, blow up my life too if you see fit. It’s easy to do!

My advice to you: if you feel trapped, push for more freedom from your wife. That’s the only solution. Tell her you need space or you’ll suffocate. If you are not cheating, space shouldn’t be a problem.

This got damn interesting!

I (like everyone else on r/adultery) was fascinated by the apparent discrepancies of their affair. He said, she said, scenario.

“It wasn’t even communication once a day!”
“She wanted more!”

He’s angry that his life is a shit show now. She’s upset he’s not pining for her.

Well, ain’t that a win-win for everyone?

I’m being sarcastic, obviously.

The veteran adulterers had zero sympathy for him. Not one bit. Top comment:

1. You had sloppy OPSEC.
2. You didn’t assert your boundaries, your needs didn’t align with hers, but you continued anyway.

“It’s your fault… take some responsibility,” wrote another Redditor.

“It’s his fault entirely, but let’s blame the woman… like WHAT?! I bet he’s the same man who got his wife pregnant and called it ‘SHE got pregnant’ like it was some random miracle that happened without his involvement.”

“WHO the fuck leaves notifications ‘on’ from the AP??? Jesus. It’s like you’re trying to get caught.”

“Dude is posting from his main Reddit account. OPSEC fails everywhere.”

**(aside by yours truly — this just gets better and better, lol)

“You had notifications on, and you are trying to pin this on the very basic needs of your AP? Shitty take, my dude.”

“Ma’am, everyone in the comments is on your side. You spent too long with this man-child. Be glad it’s over, and good luck to you.”

“He took zero accountability. I’m sorry you had to read that mess and have this experience, but now you know who he really is. You can do better!”

“I mean, the only thing worse would be if you set up Siri to automatically announce and read the messages from your AP.”

**(aside by yours truly — I cackled out loud!)

“You are exactly the kind of man that should not be having an affair. How dare you blame your AP for your sloppy OPSEC and her well-defined boundaries that you agreed to by participating in them?”

“It wasn’t the constant contact that got you into trouble. It was the complacency and comfort that you felt by getting away with it for 3+ years. You got too comfortable, that’s not on your AP, that’s on you. You didn’t stay vigilant. Glad to hear that your AP didn’t get taken down with you.”

“Don’t blame someone else for your fuck up.”

And this is another day on r/adultery — the sordid soap opera of Reddit. It’s funny, I never watched soap operas. Too scripted and formulaic. Too stupid. I hate reality TV for the same reasons. But I love Reddit.

It’s real (mostly), with a mix of tragedy and comedy. And Drama. Always Drama. With a capital D.

Nothing beats real-life screw-ups and real-life reckoning.
Nothing.

https://substack.com/@monalisasmiled