In recent months, readers have joined me in important discussions about men, intimacy, and emotional intelligence. Their comments have been stunning, raw, and enlightening. The discussions that are happening after the articles have posted are illustrating over and over again that men are largely misunderstood when it comes to emotional intelligence and their ability or willingness to engage in emotional intimacy.
Men are in a double bind when they attempt to express themselves or engage in intimacy. When it doesn’t resemble the female response, it is largely rejected and minimized. When men do get softer and more vulnerable in their efforts, those too, are sometimes shunned because they don’t seem “manly”.
The unfortunate result is that men choose to shut down. This creates a self-fulfilling prophecy as they are then perceived as incapable of intimacy or of talking about their feelings.
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LarryL talks clearly about this as he explains “the odds are against us…there are cultural taboos, even linguistic ones to intimacy.—women have girlfriends and that’s ok but if guys have boyfriends, alarm bells go off.” How can we expect men to engage in something when society doesn’t even give them language for it?
You just need to do a Google search for “define selfie” or “define twerking” to see that we are willing to define anything that is seen as culturally relevant. Enter “define boyfriend” and this is what you get:
boy·friend: 1. a regular male companion with whom one has a romantic or sexual relationship. 2. denoting an item of clothing for a woman or girl that is designed to be loose-fitting or slightly oversized. “a boyfriend cardigan”
Look to define “girlfriend” and in addition to a woman in a romantic relationship, you also find: “a woman’s female friend.” There’s something wrong when we can look up boyfriend and be offered a style of jeans as an option but we can’t find similar language for men. Sure, we’ll define them as “friends” but the way we define things illustrates the perception of value in our culture.
When something doesn’t have a word, we’re minimizing its value.
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FlyingKal makes an interesting point when he added “the reason men get accused of being non-intimate is because most women more or less have (or take) the privilege on the definition of intimacy.” The cultural message has long been that women are the more emotionally intelligent gender and that they are more skilled with intimacy. It makes sense that they are then leaned on to decide what intimacy looks like. Chris thinks we live in a society that enables this: “I think the world doesn’t want us to be men and if they can’t change us into women, they’ll devalue us…we want the same things women want. We just take a different approach.”
I typically hate it when I read GMP comments that say we just want to turn men into women and we won’t be happy until we do. However, in this context, I have a hard time arguing with Chris. He’s illustrating this double-bind and there’s no clear way out of it.
JohnH reminds us that intimacy just looks different with men. He points out that some men have a different style with their buddies. They may tease and roughhouse as a way of connecting and he sees intimacy in this. Wellokaythen and DavidK added to John’s observation, acknowledging that not only does intimacy look different with men but talking about one’s self isn’t always a sign of intimacy. Sometimes it’s “dumping” which isn’t necessarily something to aspire to.
Mike from Pioneer Valley, MA gets closer to the issue by speaking to the homophobia that exists when men express intimacy or talk about their feelings and vulnerabilities. He points out that gay men don’t have the same struggles as straight men when it comes to intimacy because the wall that prevents men from connecting on that level doesn’t exist. He argues that if we could remove the homophobic fears of men connecting on different levels, even straight men could feel more comfortable discussing and expressing intimacy.
While I wish Mike’s experience were true for every gay male, we’re not there yet. Many gay men still cannot express themselves fully without fear of retribution. Additionally, it still places intimacy in a discussion where it only exists in romantic relationships, the same paradox that straight men encounter.
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It’s the idea of retribution that is most crippling in the discussion about men, intimacy, and emotional intelligence. It’s why I have been so honored and humbled with the authenticity behind these comments.
If a fuller, new type of man presented himself before you, could you recognize him? http://t.co/aP5VIA1Bwy via @goodmenproject @HGrayLICSW
— J.D. Williams (@DaGrooveTheory) June 6, 2014
I keep coming back to this tweet by J.D. Can we recognize men when they present differently than we expect? Can we see that they’re trying to be “full men?” I’m not convinced that we are and when we see something we don’t recognize, our response can sometimes be to turn it away.
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richard hodge so eloquently talked about how he’d like to get flowers and small surprises from time to time. He’d like to be hugged and kissed every day but adds “Mostly I feel like a freak. Everything in the media is telling me that this kind of stuff is only from the man to the woman…Sometimes I feel like women regard attention and affection as payment for sex, which actually makes me feel used.” People isolate themselves and withdraw when they feel their needs are unrealistic. They don’t attempt to engage as there seems to be little point in doing so.
Richard’s observation that women sometimes link attempts at intimacy to sexual advances is a common one shared by several GMP readers. It also illustrates the hypocrisy that exists when we talk about gender and relationships. While couples counselors will remind men over and over again that some women need to feel and experience emotional closeness in order to feel sexually connected, the message tends to stop there. Rarely is it pointed out that men need similar things in terms of being emotionally connected. They need to experience that sense of safety and connection in order to open up.
“Men like sex…but I’m more than a sum of my genitals. There are times when it would just be nice to have some human touch with my partner. It’s also nice to be the “little spoon” sometimes, too…the only thing I fear about intimacy is that asking for it will diminish me in the eyes of my partner or that I might appear too needy…but just because I may not ask for it, doesn’t mean that I fear it”-Jamie Boyce
Jamie’s choice is probably familiar to many men. In order to avoid feeling or being perceived as needy, they cease to acknowledge their needs. They closet themselves and pretend these needs don’t exist but as B illustrates, they continue to crave the connection with their spouses, something their wives never learn because talking about it comes with significant risk.
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Cajunmick illustrated this in the discussion about whether or not we’re ready for emotionally intelligent men: “My experience showing my vulnerability to my female partners—and even female friends, has not been good. The few times I’ve really let my guard down, their reactions have ranged from anger to frigidity.” He, too, responded by shutting down and wellokaythen further explained why men make this choice by adding “when men, or anyone really, share feelings they share them in a social context. Sharing his feelings is as much about reception of those feelings as it is about him volunteering them…men are more sensitive to not feeling listened to than women are. Men give up sooner than women do when it comes to trying to get validation.”
As long as there’s a perception that emotional intimacy is connected to neediness and that expression of emotions and thoughts is linked to being gay, men are being set up to fail.
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While Wellokaythen’s comment is more of a sweeping generalization than I may like, his point about reception cannot be ignored and continues to be at the heart of these discussions. We cannot talk about intimacy and emotional intelligence simply in terms of whether men are doing it, not doing it, capable of it, or not capable of it without closely examining the environment that we are challenging men to be vulnerable within.
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As long as there’s a perception that emotional intimacy is connected to neediness and that expression of emotions and thoughts is linked to being gay, men are being set up to fail. They remain trapped in the double-bind. It’s time we start asking different questions. We can’t be asking whether or not men are capable of intimacy or talking about feelings until we create a culture where their experience is more readily accepted.
Hopefully, we’re starting it here. Please join us in continuing the conversation in the comment section below. It’s my hope that women will chime in, as well. If we’re honest, without engaging in a gender competition, women have a tough environment, too. There are a whole host of problems that women are presented with on this front, too. They can’t be taken seriously as leaders, businesswomen, etc. because they are “too emotional”. They’re expression of emotion can be rejected because they’re not logical.
It’s not just men that are in a double-bind in this discussion. We need to work together to create an environment within our relationships and also within our larger society where feelings and connection are valued without being feared.
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This post has been republished to Medium.
Photo credit: iStock
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Thank you all for such thoughtful and important comments. Again I see some themes here. One is that men have to be personally responsible for themselves and can’t expect women to just take care of them. Secondly, women have to create a space that is emotionally safe for men to talk about and express these things. Next week, we’re welcoming a new writer to the discussion, Bryce Mathern. He’s going to be exploring ways that women can create the space for men to be vulnerable. Stay tuned for that discussion next Monday.
I kind of got off on an emotional intelligence tangent there. Sorry about that. Steering back to the topic at hand. There are big differences between neediness and emotional sensitivity. I can’t recall any woman ever complaining that their boyfriend or husband cries during sad or emotional scenes in movies. When Jenn and I saw the last Spiderman movie, I must have cried at least six times throughout the movie. It is when that sensitivity turns into self-serving neediness that women buckle up. Interestingly enough, the biggest area of contention I have seen, in both romantic relationships and platonic and… Read more »
Excellent essay, Heather. Where I disagree is that, for me, the answer to the problem lies in increasing our own personal emotional intelligence and use of these forms of intimacy. I doubt that most women dislike emotional sensitivity. Rather, what they try to avoid is emotionally sensitive men who are genuinely needy. For me, emotional intelligence is that bridge between a man with healthy sensitivity to his own feelings, and the woman who expects him to take her own into account. It is all in how you express that sensitivity. Is it pushing against her? If so, she will react… Read more »
I have for sure read more than one article in some girl mag like cosmo (all the articles were written by men so this is not women defining what men need) and in every one of them there was a common thread: Men are as vulnerable as you. The lists of things a boyfriend likes included things like “tell him he is hot, men can be just as vulnerable about their appearance as women” and “surprise him with affectionate gestures like a home cooked dinner, men like a woman who can show she cares”. Personally to me that just feels… Read more »
If I cannot find the emotional love and understanding that I need, I do not continue to subject myself to it. If women think I’m not ‘manly’, whatever. They don’t get to choose for me, and if they try they are in for a rude awakening.
We are different, yes. However, I see men AND women settling far too much. Then again, if you are not crystal clear on who you want, what you want and WHY, then it is pretty hard for the Universe to manifest the right mate for you.
WUNJO
Very good essay! I agree with most of it and will write a longer response later. For now: my girlfriend, and the woman with whom I shall be united in marriage has made it quite clear: she knows I am sensitive, and she loves my menagerie of emotions, just like she loves everything else about me. But, she still expects me to be loyal to her, be reasonable with money, and to be an effective planner and problem solver. She expects me to be an adult, not to be a “man”. My maleness is tied only to my genitals. She… Read more »
This is a very true, interesting piece. I can relate to a lot of these things as a guy…A guy who happens to be straight. I will occasionally show emotion when I was younger but the way I was able to do so without getting run out of the room…was humor. Comedians do it so well. I’ve been married for 12 years…not a perfect 12 years but still going. And I say guys show your emotions sometimes. Know your audience if you’re trying to be funny. Have guys nights out. Have female friends. I do. It’s nothing weird; be yourself.
Thanks for clarifying, but maybe what would help is a piece about how women interact with men, as opposed to the way they interact with their women friends. There are stark differences with assumptions and predispositions when it comes to men that seem much less so with women. There is patience and benefit of doubt as well as letting things slid much more when women deal with each other vs, dealing with men. I do agree with you that although women say they want a sensitive guy t5aht shares his emotions, they soon tire of it and see it as… Read more »
Tsach, I am going with Heather on this one. I am mature and my wife is 7 years older than I am, but we still have to work on the yin-yang of our communication. Yes, maturity has helped us become less ensconced in our comfort zones, but she still relates to the world as a woman and I still as a man. I have to occasionally remind her I am not one of her girlfriends and if she needs that then go there. I believe men bring a different perspective that is not fully appreciated in these times and I… Read more »
Honestly, I’m a little tired of articles telling men how they should think, behave, communicate and explain themselves, especially by women therapists. I am in my 50’s and have been in great relationships and a good marriage that ended and men and women are far more alike than this article would let you believe. It is about respect, consideration, patience and tenderness and being best friends in addition to lovers. Those qualities are not gender related but maturity related.
Hey, Tsach. I wasn’t at all intending to tell men how to think, behave, or communicate. I wish that wasn’t the message you received with this discussion. It’d be a lot simpler if we could all just go on with the idea that this is about maturity but I can’t agree with you there. If this were just about maturity, we wouldn’t need a site like GMP to help clarify the male perspective in the 21st century. Sure, some lack experience and maturity but mostly, there is a lack of understanding and clear communication between couples on these issues. It’s… Read more »
So sad that we as women badger men to show their emotions and then insult them when they do. My boyfriend and I get together about once a month and talk about us, where our relationship is, where it is going, do we want something different, is there an underlying problem. But we both have to be respectful of wheat we are saying. Sometimes I talk over him, and he says stop talking, I’m not done, and I shut my mouth. Sometimes he takes what I say the wrong way and I tell him, that’s not what I meant and… Read more »
Stacy, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that you’re secretly my actual wife posting under the name “Stacy” Your story from the word “Sometimes” sounds very familiar. If your boyfriend feels how I do as a husband, you’re probably on the right page. In my word: My wife and I are both strong passionate people with lots to say. Sometimes we run each other over. Its not because we don’t respect each other but because we inspire each other. I don’t see the problem going away but those sorts of difficulties can be managed by two people who care for… Read more »
I’ve got lots to say on this but I don’t know how to say it and, besides, I don’t want to bother everybody with my feelings. They always just change later so what is the point, right?
Good article, though, good thinkings.
Very Interesting. I do think, however, the usual commenters won’t povide feedback, since this isn’t a Lecture-Reprimand post against Men. The UCSB related posts are a prime example of Women demanding guys to listen and accept, yet articles like this merely get 4-5 comments and almost None are of Ladies saying “I get it”.
FYI… “I get it” and I, as a woman, have often reminded my girlfriends to try and be objective and get away from a female-centric perspective when it comes to male/female misunderstandings in communication styles etc. Normally I wouldn’t have commented on this, because I didn’t think I’d be adding anything that wasn’t already said, but I think J.Crawford brings up a good point that it helps emotionally to be acknowledged. It helps me feel more connected and hopeful in general, when I hear from guys that they understand women’s plights and they want to help change unfair double standards… Read more »
Good overview of your previous articles. I would also add that men generally have a slower emotional response rate than most females. Boys are taught that girls have slower sexual response rates, yet girls are rarely taught that men may need emotional foreplay to achieve a deeper relationship. Your point about there being fewer words and therefore concepts about male emotions reinforces my point that there is little interest or respect for male emotional bonding (crude, childish, immature, juvenile, wimpy, gay, etc.) and as Wellokaythen’s remark, “Sharing his feelings is as much about reception of those feelings” men quickly learn… Read more »
John, Yes! I do think men can process differently. Women get credit when they think things through and are less reactive. Men, on the other hand, when they process differently or more slowly, it’s taken for not knowing, not caring, tuning out, etc. Excellent addition to this discussion. Thank you.
“Boys are taught that girls have slower sexual response rates, yet girls are rarely taught that men may need emotional foreplay to achieve a deeper relationship.”
JohnH, this is such an interesting comment. What would “emotional foreplay” look like to a man?
Thanks, Heather, for the excellent overview!
CM
Glad you found it.