When men hear “good job”, they’re brought into the light. That can be the most vulnerable place to be.
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In the last football game of my high school career, I ran out for a catch and caught the ball for a two-point conversion. In the locker room after the game, the back up quarterback looked over and said “Hey, great catch.” I immediately went into a bit of a panic. I said that I fell down after the catch and I should have run the route cleaner. I remember him looking at me for a moment and just saying, “Great catch.” In that moment, I could not let in the appreciation and lauding. Especially in front of the rest of my football buddies.
I feel like I’m suddenly exposed into the light when I’m in the midst of people showering me with gratitude.
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I didn’t have a lot of great models for receiving kindness. I was raised Catholic and, not to pick on an institution that continually gets picked on, but it was drilled into me that we had to be humble and never act like we were in any way better. I guess I took this to mean that I didn’t deserve any form of recognition. My dad, who is a strong Catholic man, really lived by this rule and struggled in his own way with receiving kindness. I learned early on that this wasn’t how you handled gratitude.
Since then, I have noticed so many times throughout my life where my reaction to receiving someone’s kind words was anxiety and an immediate diminishment of what they said. Sometimes I would just nod, but my head was filled with the voice “I don’t deserve this.”
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Why do I, or other men, have such a hard time receiving appreciation?
I think when that moment of receiving comes, it is inherently vulnerable. This person is seeing me and honoring me for what happened. It is rare that these vulnerable moments came up during my youth. When they did, I felt a lot of energy in my body and immediately didn’t want to feel it. I usually handled it in one of three ways:
- Diminish what the person was saying by finding things that I could have done better.
- Making a joke as a way of distracting both myself and the other person from the awkwardness I was feeling in my body.
- Quickly change the subject to get the attention off myself.
There is also something that appears weak about receiving from another. I feel like I’m suddenly exposed into the light when I’m in the midst of people showering me with gratitude. It is strange to feel something that is so contradicting. I want to feel another person’s gratitude and I don’t want to feel that vulnerable place.
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In the end, I think my real struggle is acknowledging that part of myself that doesn’t believe that I’m loveable.
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I notice this most in my current partnership. When my girlfriend wants to pay for dinner or give me a gift, I feel the same anxious energy accepting it. Somehow, I think that I should be doing this for her. In the end, I think my real struggle is acknowledging that part of myself that doesn’t believe that I’m loveable. This core belief is functioning all the time and continually resisting anything that may oppose it.
Why is it so hard to receive? Because to receive is to surrender. You don’t like the sound of that, do you? Merriam-Webster defines surrender as giving up “completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another…” and, giving up the fight or control. It’s true—to fully receive you have to give up control. You relax and let the other person(s) do his or her thing, whether it’s a simple compliment from your friend or your partner showing her love for you in public. -Owen Marcus
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Receiving means letting go of our armor for a moment and letting some kindness in. For many men who have spent their lives developing this shell around themselves, it is one of the more difficult feelings we have. And yet, on some intuitive level, we also know that it should feel good.
The real loss in all of this is our capacity to be in relationship with other people. Have you ever given someone a compliment or showed some appreciation and they shut you down? It feels uncomfortable and awkward. Over time you stop giving them appreciation. How are you going to handle it on Father’s day when your kids bring you gifts and all kinds of love for being their dad? Are you going to look them in their eyes and receive what they have to say? Or are you going to awkwardly change the subject?
I think we can all work to get better at this. Here are a few ideas I have for improving your ability to receive kindness and gratitude.
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Practice.
Get together with your partner or friend and have them say things they like about you. Notice what comes up for you when they say these things. Does it feel good? Does it feel uncomfortable? Notice if you have any impulse to not let it in. If you keep doing this, it will get easier.
Give it to yourself.
Each night before you go to bed, write down three things that you did well that day. They don’t have to be earth shattering or super human just something you did well. “I got most of my list done today.” or, “I had a good talk with my son.” There is a lot of research on this type of practice. It starts to rewire your brain for receiving.
Notice it more in others.
Set an intention of noticing the things you are grateful for in others. Try and look at your life with some freshness. Take a moment to notice all the things in your life that help you accomplish what you need to accomplish. Your partner cooking a meal. Your son taking out the garbage. Your dad giving you advice. These are all things that don’t have to happen. Slow down and really see the people are around you.
As you do these things, I guarantee you will slowly, over time, find it easier to let some of that loving kindness enter into your experience. This will make your life and the lives of everyone around you much richer.
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Also by Bryce Mathern: How to Listen So That Men Will Keep Talking
Photo: Pavel P/Flickr
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Great article. Yeah, I do agree with you. Some people do have a hard times taking compliments. Me too, I’m not used to get compliments and sometimes I even get shy because of it.
I think you are spot on with your mention of vulnerability. I’ve been studying this concept in an academic setting for a couple years, and we call it “Fear of Positive Evaluation” in the literature (mostly anxiety literature, but it applies to anyone). Most of the researchers studying this phenomenon believe the root of this fear is the feeling that positive feedback elevates a person’s social status, especially when given publicly, and that this status ultimately is not sustainable. The cultural pressure for men to perform competently is immense, and we may often fear that a single praiseworthy performance will… Read more »
Thanks Justin. I agree with what you are saying and also notice how this feels really sad. I think what I read into what you wrote is that men are afraid to excel because then they will be held to an higher standard. That sucks. I don’t disagree at all but I wish this wasn’t what we are dealing with. I notice sometimes that I struggle with the anxiety of not performing properly. It may be silly like being able to play ping pong well or keep up with a friend on my mountain bike. I generally assume that I… Read more »
Another reason: Too often, praise for men is a means of buttering him up to try to get something from him. I find myself instinctively steeling myself for the ask when somebody offers a compliment or praise.
There’s a book that I recommend to anyone who has an inclination towards entrepreneurial ambitions. That book is “Profiles of Power and Success – Fourteen Geniuses Who Broke The Rules” by Dr. Gene Landrum. The fourteen characters meticulously profiled in this book are Napoleon Bonaparte, Walt Disney, Isadora Duncan, Amelia Earhart, Adolf Hitler, Howard Hughes, Maria Montessori, Rupert Murdoch, Edith Piaf, Pablo Picasso, Helena Rubinstein, Marquis de Sade, Nikola Tesla, and Frank Lloyd Wright. Of course, Hitler is the most controversial name on this list but his profile was included because as the author says, “Hitler was selected not only… Read more »
Sometimes, accepting praise is uncomfortable because the issue doesn’t seem all the praiseworthy. In other words, the praise or thanks seem overdone. I change your tire for you and you send me a big seasonal bouquet. Something wrong here…. I’ve done it myself. “Nice catch, one handed.” “I blew the route so I figured I’d beter do something.” Sort of a joke, but the context was the company flag football team in Infantry OCS in 1969. Other stuff more important. Wasn’t feeling vulnerable. It’s a thing guys do. That said, I think the writer should use the singular of the… Read more »
Totally agree Kal. I can relate to that feeling of my family not getting me. I appreciate what you had to say.
Thank you for this! I think a lot of people struggle with this. And I think it very often comes from a feeling of not living up to whatever expectations our parents seemed to have upon us. I grew up as a bookworm in a kind of “redneck light” society, and I was the first in my family to get a degree while my older brother was a spitting image of our farmer-mechanics-truckdriver dad. Now I’ve been working on jet engine design for almost 20 years, and my parents are still asking what I do for a living and when… Read more »
Kal, You have a lot to say and I love reading your comments. You always add something to the discussion. If you ever want to contribute to the discussion by writing a piece of your own, I invite you to do so. My email address is [email protected] and I’d be happy to work with you on getting started.
Thank you so much for your kind words, Heather. And the same to Bryce, below.
I really don’t know what to say, but I don’t think I have a full article within me.
Thank you so much for your kind words, Heather! And to Bryce below, as well.
But I don’t think I have it in me to write a full article.