When Grey moved to Philadelphia, she started developing a crush on a girl at her church. There was only one problem – Grey was homophobic herself and not at all accepting of queerness. But as the crush grew stronger and a mutual affection began to develop, Grey started wondering if being queer and living a happy life were even possible. After a near brush with self-harm, Grey realized that she needed to balance her approach to religion with her queer identity. After a lot of introspection and research, Grey found the happy life she had dreamed of, including a committed long-term relationship with that girl from her church.
Transcript provided by YouTube:
Hey, so my name is Grey. I grew up in Florida.
I grew up in a church and in a family that was very conservative Christianity wise. They’re
also Caribbean. There’s also the Black culture, and so overall, not very accepting of queerness,
but I definitely have always felt like queer inclinations. And I was even homophobic,
I will say. As friends would start coming out throughout puberty and stuff like that,
I would talk to them and be like, “Hey, this is not real” or “Are you just trying something
because you know this is not okay.” When I moved up here to Philadelphia,
I was in a worship team at this church. I met this girl and immediately was drawn to her. I was like,
wow, she’s so cool and so edgy, and I really want to know everything about her and ask her
all the questions. So I started having those feelings toward her just thinking that she
was cute or whatever. But all the while, not at all leaning into them, I’d gotten to the point
where I was like, All right, people have queer thoughts. It’s fine, just don’t act on them.
We actually became good friends because I texted her while I was in distress one day.
Around that time, I was going through a lot of depression so I texted her and I was like, “Hey,
I know we haven’t really had deep conversations like this before, but you seem like a trustworthy
person to talk to you. Can I just tell you some things that I’ve been going through?”
She was immediately like, “Yeah, what’s up?” And I literally just spilled everything to her,
not any of the queer stuff, but just I feel like I’m doing everything right, I’m waking up and
reading the Bible and meditating and praying, and I was like, I’m still not… I’m so sad.
And she was just so receptive throughout the whole thing. She was just like, “Yeah,
that sucks.” And we talked for a long time, and at the end of the conversation she said, “Yeah,
I mean, you can talk to me anytime.” And I was like, “All right, sure.”
And she was like, “No, I’m serious.” And I was like, “Well, if I can text you anytime,
I’m going to text you at five o’clock in the morning when I wake up and I’m already depressed.”
And she was like, “All right.” Like clockwork the next morning, five o’clock, the depression hits.
I text her and she’s like, “Hey, what’s up?” I was like, Wow. She really does mean anytime. And from
that point, we were just texting, texting, texting nonstop. And it got to a point where I was like,
Wow, I feel extremely connected to this person and this person is cute. And I’m like, all right,
I will admit that I have a crush on her. So yeah, me, the crush and our friend had a
sleepover at my apartment, and for some reason we started talking about kind of queer related
things. So I think they were talking about Pride, and I said, “What do you think about Pride?”
And my crush was like, “What do you mean?” And I said, “Isn’t it not okay?”
And our friend was like, “What do you mean not okay? It seems so much fun.”
And I said, “No, but because it’s gay people, and we should not be celebrating that.”
And my crush was like, “That doesn’t make any sense. I don’t care.”
I did end up telling our friend the day after the sleepover that I had a crush on my crush.
And the friend said, “Oh, you should just tell her. It’s not that big of a deal.”
And I said, “Okay.” A week after the sleepover,
I texted her and I said, “Hey, I have something to tell you.”
And she said, “Yeah, what’s up?” And I said, “So I have a crush on you.”
And she was like, “Okay.” And I was like, “Is that weird? Do
you want me to give you space? Is it awkward?” She was like, “No, why would it be?” And we
just continued talking as friends and as very connected friends.
A month after I told her that I had a crush on her, I flew back to Florida just to visit my
family. One night I was texting her from Florida and I said, “So I think I’m in love with you.”
And she said, “I feel the same way.” And I was like, “No, no, no.” Because now
it’s scary, because now it’s a real thing. Three days later,
I came back from Florida. She picked me up from the airport, and once she got to my apartment,
I said, “Hey, do you want to come up?” And she was like, “Yeah, sure.”
And we were just talking and hanging out, and it just felt really great to be back
in each other’s presence. As she was going to leave, we turned to have a hug, and we ended
up hugging for three hours. And then we said goodbye, which was still very hard, still hard
after saying goodbye for three hours in a hug. But then very quickly, the religious upbringing,
indoctrination, programming kicked in. It felt clear to me that it’s like, all right, I either
live a life that I was taught to live and be super duper depressed the whole time, but then
maybe die and be happy, or I just can’t live it all. And I literally walked like 20 or so blocks
down to a bridge. I did end up calling a friend while I was up there and was able
to process some things through. All the while this woman I love was texting me and trying
to call me throughout. I did eventually answer her phone call and she talked me down even more.
So after that, I walked home. As I was processing what had very seriously almost happened
throughout that next week, I kind of just started this mantra of I’m just doing my best and jumping
from this point of I’m just doing what makes me feel like I don’t want to die. So for me, that
meant trying to find community to survive with. Honestly, I just looked up on Instagram, queer
faith, or queer Christians or queer spirituality. I came across some queer Christian pages where
they were preaching and queer pastors who were preaching. So it kind of got to this place where
I was like, all right, it seems to me that no one has the answer. So once again, I’m going
to do what makes me feel like I don’t want to die. And so that meant leaning into the queer theology.
So that led me to finding community online, then finding community in person, and then coming to
a place where I can accept and be proud of who I am. And that has brought me to where I am today.
So I did eventually come out to my parents. It went about
as expected. I’ve had top surgery. I’ve come to accept myself more, even just gender-wise. That
person I love, like we are definitely together now, and it’s been a couple years. We have a dog,
we have two cats. We plan to move in together next year. Falling in Love was the catalyst
for accepting who I am. That’s inseparable from
accepting myself, from coming out to myself, from even simultaneously falling
in love with myself. It was definitely a rough journey, but I have to say it was worth it.
This post was previously published on YouTube.
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
|Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often||Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It||The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex||..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything|
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
Photo credit: iStock