Trust is like the air we breathe-when it’s present, no one really notices; when it’s absent, everybody notices.
— Warren Buffett
If there is one underrated tool in the developing of stronger relationships and stronger people, it’s trust.
In his book, Trust and Inspire, Stephen M. R. Covey explains how in anything from parenting to leadership, trusting and inspiring are far more successful and effective than what he calls commanding and controlling.
I for one believe he’s right.
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In Parenting
In his book, The Speed of Trust, Stephen M.R. Covey, describes a past memory with his father. He calls it the “Green and Clean Story.”
Here it is:
I was seven years old and my father wanted me to take care of the yard. He said, “Son, here’s the yard, and here’s your job: It’s ‘green’ and ‘clean’. Now, here’s what I mean by that”. He walked over to our neighbor’s yard, pointed to the grass, and said, “That’s green”. (He couldn’t use our own yard as an example because under his stewardship it was rather yellow at the time.)
He said, “Now, how you get our yard green is up to you. You’re free to do it any way you want except paint it. You can turn on the sprinklers. You can carry the water in buckets. You can even spit on it if you want. It makes no difference to me. All I care about is that the color is green.”
Then he said, “And this is what I mean by clean.” He got two sacks and together we cleared the papers, sticks, and other debris off half the lawn so that I could see the difference.
Again, he explained to me that how I accomplished the goal was up to me — the important thing was that the lawn was “clean.”
Then my father said something very profound. He said, “Now you need to know that when you take this job, I don’t do it anymore. It’s your job. It’s called stewardship.
Stewardship means ‘a job with accountability. He said we would walk around the yard twice a week so he would be around to help me when I asked, but he made it clear to me that the job was truly mine — that I would be my own boss and that I alone would be the judge of how well I was doing.
So the job was mine. Apparently, for four of five days, I did nothing. It was during the heat of the summer and the grass was dying fast. Remnants of a neighborhood barbecue we’d had a few days ago were all over the lawn.
It was messy and unkempt. My father wanted to take over the responsibility or scold me, but he didn’t want to violate the agreement we’d established.
So when the time came for an accounting, he said, “Son, how’s it going in the yard?”. I said, “Just fine, Dad”. Then he asked, “Is there anything I can do to help?”. I said, “No, everything’s just fine”. So he said, “Okay, let’s take that walk we agreed to take.”
As we walked around the yard, I suddenly began to realize that it was neither “green” nor “clean”. It was yellow and it was a mess. According to my father, my chin began to quiver and I broke down into tears and wailed, “But, Dad, it’s just so hard.”
He said, “What so hard? You haven’t done one thing.”After a moment of silence, he asked, “Would you like me to give you some help?”
Remembering that his offer of help had been part of our agreement and sensing a glimmer of hope, I quickly replied, “I would.”
He said, “What would you like me to do?”. I looked around. “Could you help me pick up that garbage over there?” He said he would. So I went inside and got two sacks, and he helped me pick up the garbage just as I had asked him to do.
From that day forward, I took responsibility for the yard… and I kept it “green” and “clean.”
Covey uses the story to illustrate an example of stewardship, or win-win agreements, even in kids.
Kids aren’t motivated by money or titles, but they can be extremely motivated by the trust of their parents, and not wanting to let them down.
When they are extended trust, support, and follow up it creates a sense of responsibility that carries on through their lives.
This idea works for others as well.
Trust is the glue of life. It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships.— STEPHEN R. COVEY
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In Leadership
The old ways of inspiring productivity and leadership by controlling and commanding no longer work, if they ever really did.
A show of trust and support from a leader is far more effective than carrot and stick tactics.
Research shows that trust represents a core human need we all have: to trust others, to be trusted in return, and to trust in ourselves. When trust is present, people align around the purpose of their team, embrace goals and objectives, willingly collaborate, and are empowered to do their best work.
When trust is lacking, the work becomes more challenging and difficult to complete.
With today’s changing workforce and hybrid work environments, leaders and team members need trust more than ever before.
Talking about specific actions or behaviors that erode trust can result in more productive dialogue about performance and expectations. Those talks can create strong bonds between leaders and team members.
This trust-building requires continued effort from all and leaders who are willing to be vulnerable and have the patience to take on the hard work of navigating differences.
Don’t be afraid to show your vulnerability. Be transparent with your team, even when the truth may be unpopular or inconvenient.— BILL GEORGE
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In Relationships
According to The Relationships Indicators Survey, the top four reasons for relationship breakdowns are
- financial
- communication challenges
- mismatched values
- lack of trust.
Real and authentic trust involves trust in ourselves and our judgments but also trust in the other person, which includes the ability to forgive when agreements are broken.
Past experiences may have eroded your trust and that may be impacting your current relationship. It’s time to move past those feelings. That has nothing to do with the here and now, and it is time to move forward and take responsibility for the success and happiness of your relationship.
When two people strengthen the bond and trust one another, they don’t need to exert control.
They can be their authentic selves in an honest relationship without fear or worry.
Love cannot live where there is no trust.— Edith Hamilton
Trust is everything. We all want it, but more importantly, we all need to learn to give it.
If you remain honest in your communication and have clear expectations, you’ll never feel compelled to build relationships with a stick, but rather by trusting and being patient enough to see that trust through.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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