How Abusive Relationships Break Your Heart -- Literally

My cardiologist once told me my EKG resembled that of a veteran who had just returned from active duty in Afghanistan.

That’s how deeply my trauma had etched itself into my physical being. It wasn’t just a metaphor.

I wasn’t being dramatic.

It was cold, hard, medical fact.

My heart, literally and figuratively, had been worn down by years of stress, anxiety, and unresolved trauma, much like a soldier who’d been through the chaos of war.

Now, I didn’t dodge bullets or crawl through minefields, but trauma?

Yeah, I had my fair share.

In my 40s, after leaving an abusive relationship, I started to notice something terrifying: my body wasn’t bouncing back. And my heart?

It was the first to wave the white flag.

I’d have episodes where I felt like I couldn’t breathe properly. My chest tightened, and my heart raced as if it were trying to escape my chest. my blood pressure, which had always been fantastically perfect was now ER worthy. I brushed it off at first. “Just stress,” I told myself, like so many of us do. Except it wasn’t just stress — it was trauma, deep, unhealed trauma that was hijacking my nervous system and wearing down my heart like an engine running without oil.

Let me be clear: trauma doesn’t just live in your mind.

It lives in your body.

And your heart, that little engine pumping away day after day, is one of trauma’s favorite places to set up shop.

The heart isn’t just some mechanical organ pumping blood; it’s incredibly sensitive to emotions and stress. When we talk about heartache or heartbreak, it’s not just a poetic turn of phrase. Your heart physically feels the effects of emotional pain, loss, and trauma. When you experience prolonged stress or trauma, your body’s stress response gets stuck in the “on” position, and your heart takes the brunt of it.

Here’s something that’s not common knowledge: The vagus nerve, which is responsible for regulating your heart rate, digestion, and mood, becomes dysregulated in trauma.

It’s like someone cut the wires between your brain and heart.

So, your heart’s racing, you’re panicking, and your brain isn’t sending the “calm down” signal fast enough. This isn’t just your brain playing tricks on you.

It’s biology going haywire.

We all know stress is bad for us. But chronic, trauma-induced stress?

That’s on a whole different level.

It’s like poison dripping slowly into your system over time. You might not notice it at first, but eventually, it will corrode everything.

When your body is in a constant state of alert — thanks to unresolved trauma — it floods your system with cortisol and adrenaline. These hormones are helpful when you’re running from a bear but disastrous when they’re constantly surging through your veins because your mind is stuck reliving the past. Over time, this constant barrage of stress hormones damages your blood vessels, increases your blood pressure, and thickens your artery walls.

Welcome to the fast track to heart disease.

I had a client once, a woman who’d spent her entire childhood walking on eggshells around her abusive father. By the time she hit 48, she was having panic attacks and couldn’t sleep. She brushed it off, just like I did, until one night she had a heart attack. Forty-eight years old and already facing down the barrel of heart disease. It wasn’t until we dug into her trauma that we realized her body had been living in survival mode for decades. Her nervous system never relaxed, which meant her heart was always under siege.

Here’s the kicker: trauma can literally break your heart.

It’s called Takotsubo cardiomyopathy, more commonly known as “broken heart syndrome.”

It mimics a heart attack, complete with chest pain and shortness of breath, but without the blocked arteries. Instead, it’s caused by a sudden surge of stress hormones, which temporarily stun the heart. Essentially, your heart goes into shock, much like you do when you’re faced with emotional trauma.

I’ll never forget when I experienced something like this in my late 20’s. It was shortly after a particularly rough emotional episode — one of those times when it feels like the world is crashing down on you. I was sitting at home, and out of nowhere, I felt this immense pressure in my chest. My heart started racing, and I genuinely thought I was having a heart attack. I spoke to a doctor a few days later, only to be told that I wasn’t dying; my heart had just had enough. It was responding to years of emotional trauma, finally sending up a flare that something had to give.

Abusive relationships do a number on your heart.

And I’m not just talking about the emotional scars.

The constant gaslighting, the fear, the anxiety — it all keeps your body in a heightened state of stress.

And that stress eats away at your heart, piece by piece.

When I was in an abusive relationship, I started noticing subtle signs at first — palpitations, occasional shortness of breath. Nothing too serious, but enough to make me wonder. I tried to ignore it. After all, I wasn’t in the relationship to feel good; I was surviving, emotionally speaking. But after leaving that relationship and getting to a place a few years later where I was finally in a safe and loving relationship, it all hit me like a ton of bricks.

That’s when the real heart problems started.

It was as if my body had been holding it all together just to get me through, and once I was “safe,” everything collapsed.

What’s wild is that you don’t always feel the physical effects of trauma while you’re in the thick of it. Your body becomes numb to it, just like your mind does. It’s only once you’re out that your body starts to release it all, and sometimes, it releases it in ways that are terrifying. For me, that was the constant heart issues. For others, it might be autoimmune diseases, migraines, or digestive problems.

Now, here’s the good news: just like trauma can harm the heart, healing the trauma can help heal the heart. But — and this is important — healing isn’t just about therapy sessions and talking it out. Trauma lives in the body, so healing has to be body-based too.

You’ve got to work on calming that overactive nervous system, and that’s where practices like breathwork, somatic therapy, and even simple things like walking in nature come in.

Your body needs to learn how to feel safe again.

Your heart needs to know it’s no longer in danger.

When I started incorporating these practices into my life, the heart palpitations eased. My breath came easier. And while I still have the occasional flare-up, I can now recognize it for what it is: a physical response to emotional stress.

One of the most powerful tools I’ve found is something called HeartMath (a heart coherency strategy). It’s a practice that helps you tap into the heart’s intelligence, teaching you how to regulate your emotions and stress through breath and focus. It sounds woo-woo, but the science is solid. By working with your heart rather than against it, you can help it heal from the years of trauma.

So, if you’ve been walking around feeling like your heart is heavy, tight, or just not right, don’t ignore it.

Trauma might be playing a bigger role in your physical health than you realize. And while you can’t erase the past, you can help your body — and your heart — heal from it.

Your heart remembers everything you’ve been through, but it also has an incredible capacity for resilience. It’s been carrying the weight of your trauma, keeping you alive through it all, and it’s capable of healing too.

But it won’t happen on its own.

You’ve got to give it the tools to recover, to release the tension it’s been holding onto for years.

In the journey to heal from trauma, one of the most powerful tools I’ve seen create transformative results is heart coherence work. It’s about syncing the mind, heart, and body into a state of harmony, allowing us to release the stress, pain, and emotional scars that have been deeply stored. When we focus on reconnecting with our hearts — literally and energetically — we begin to see a profound shift in our overall well-being.

With clients, I’ve witnessed remarkable changes when we incorporate heart coherence into our body-based healing work.

It’s not just about surviving trauma but thriving beyond it.

Your heart, both emotionally and physically, is the gateway to deep healing. When we bring it back into coherence, everything starts to align. The weight of your trauma begins to lift, and for the first time in years, you can feel truly alive again.

Healing isn’t just possible; it’s inevitable when we allow our hearts to lead the way.

Let’s start that journey together.

As always loving you from here,

Rene Schooler

→If you’ve endured the emotional and physical toll of an abusive relationship and it’s starting to manifest in your body — especially your heart — now is the time to take action. I’m offering a free 15-minute discovery call to help you begin the healing process through body-based, integrative work that addresses trauma where it’s stored: deep within your body.

For a limited time, I’m also offering 40% off my 45-day integration and body-based healing program, specifically designed to release the trauma that’s weighing you down — emotionally, mentally, and physically. My studio office in Frisco, Texas provides a safe space for this transformational work.

DM me or comment BODYHEALING to claim your free call and this special offer.

Let’s work together to reconnect you with your body, release the trauma, and bring your heart back into balance.

Healing is within your reach.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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