How Do I Know Whether I’m Asexual or Not?

Dear DNL,

I am a trans dude questioning my sexuality. I believe I may be some kind of asexual, but I can’t tell because I have a LOT of other baggage that’s impeding my self-exploration. I’m concerned that I’m actually a bisexual repressed by mental illness and self-isolation. Here is what I know so far:

– I have lots of trouble making friends. No friends right now due to mental breakdown/depression (will work on it). Never been in a relationship. I only want to try dating just to see if it’s nice, but in the past there have been people who I could have seen myself dating

– I have depression, anxiety, and OCD-like symptoms (untreated). Plus I’m trans in an unaccepting household and used to be anorexic.

– I don’t want to have sex with anybody and am comfortable (even happy) with the idea of being a virgin for life. I looked at some asexual resources and now see that even for allos, you don’t NEED to lose your virginity, and I’ve got more important things to do these days, like treating my mental illness

– I can’t tell the difference between willingness to have sex and sexual attraction.

– The idea of growing up and being expected to date/have sex fills me with dread and anxiety, but I’m not sure if it’s because of social anxiety or asexuality.

– I am touch-repulsed. I don’t let people touch me most of the time, and if I do, I’m the one initiating it. Only on non-sus areas like arms. I’m also very touch-sensitive

– I don’t like being seen as sexual and wear modest clothing (I know not all aces do that, but whatever) (the modest clothing is also because of social anxiety + hiding curves). I never make dirty jokes

– I used to think I was bi until I realized that aesthetic and sensual attraction made up most of my “crushes”

– I do find myself more attracted to men than women, but still both. It could be because I tend to like styling myself in a masc way, and my gender envy and aesthetic attraction mix.

– I’m sex-positive for others but if I hear other people talking about sus things it grosses me out and I want to leave immediately

– I am not excited by genitalia. They look weird.

– The only sus media I might ever consume must involve fictional characters. If it’s real people it feels gross to me.

– A girl flirted with me a few days ago and I felt conflicted. I think I just liked knowing I wasn’t totally ugly but I didn’t care for her at all (never found her attractive). I kind of wanted to get away but was too shy to say it so I just didn’t meet her eyes. I was friendly but I got out of there as fast as I could.

– I’ve only ever had one serious crush (on a dude who was a rare good friend) that I would have liked to date and MAYBE could have had sex with but I’m not sure. The thought of it now feels gross but back then I liked the idea a bit. Then he got a gf and I was very huffy about it because I had never liked anyone like that before.

– I don’t know if most people count it as sexual trauma (I do just because it’s really scary and uncomfortable for me), but I have intrusive thoughts regarding sex that make me feel very unsafe about it. They terrify me and I do think they play a big role in me not wanting to do it. I don’t know if I can be a valid ace if I have intrusive thoughts.

In short, I don’t know how to figure out my sexuality with all the other stuff, and I’d like to know if I can/should consider myself ace at all.

Taking Up Ace Space?

So, if I’m being honest, TUAS, I feel weird about the idea as a cis, allosexual man, adjudicating whether you’re “legitimately” asexual or not… but then I also feel that other people in general don’t get to dictate what your sexuality is or isn’t. Sexuality is fluid and flexible and doesn’t always fit into neat categories.

There’re folks of all genders who identify very strongly as being gay or straight but who have had sexual experiences that would seem out of step with their sexual orientation. There are lesbians who’ve had romantic or sexual attractions to individual men, straight men who’ve been willing to say “a mouth is a mouth” when hard up and just looking for an orgasm, bi-or-pansexual people who tend to only have romantic relationships with one gender and ace people who occasionally have sex.

And God knows there’ve been oceans of ink and pixels spilled over who “counts” as one sexuality or another. Bi women or queer AFAB people who’re in relationships with men are often told that they’re “not really” bi or queer, gold star queer people sometimes argue with queer people who’ve had hetero sex while closeted, ace people who aren’t sex-repulsed or gray-aces sometimes get told they’re not really ace and demisexual people are frequently told they don’t exist as a sexuality in the first place…

As far as I’m concerned, you know your sexuality better than I ever would, seeing as how you’re actually living your life and I’m just a rando loudmouth looking at things from the outside.

But I also understand how this can be new and weird and anxiety-inducing, so I’ll at least give you my thoughts on things and maybe they’ll help serve as some guideposts or food for your own thoughts. You can take these and draw your own conclusions on the matter, up to and including “Doc doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking about.”

The thought I want to start with is that you’ve given yourself a false binary. Being asexual doesn’t mean that you can’t also be bi. People can be bisexual, straight or gay while also being asexual. Asexuality is a spectrum; it doesn’t mean a complete absence of sexuality or sexual identity. People can be ace without also being aromantic, and they can also be ace while also acknowledging that, were they to decide to have sex, they would prefer it with one gender, their own gender or their own and other genders. The two aren’t necessarily in conflict and they don’t cancel each other out.

My next thought is that a lot of the things you list aren’t really indicative of sexuality one way or another. Not telling dirty jokes has nothing to do with being asexual or allosexual; it’s a matter of taste and comfort and your sense of humor. The same goes with how you dress; “asexual with an OnlyFans” is as much of a thing as an allosexual person dressing incredibly conservatively. People who come from a tradition of conservative dress aren’t any more or less ace or allo than someone who bares a lot of skin or likes wearing form-hugging clothes; it’s just how they dress. Dress is as much an expression of identity and culture as it is one’s sexuality.

This is also why having intrusive and upsetting thoughts about sex don’t negate the possibility of your being asexual. Intrusive thoughts are just that: thoughts. They’re not deep wells of hidden meaning, proof that you’re a fraud or hiding dark secrets even from yourself. They’re just thoughts and sometimes people have very weird, very uncomfortable thoughts for seemingly no goddamn reason. You mention that you have OCD, which means that the intrusive thoughts are entirely unsurprising. The popular conception of OCD being “oh, I need to have my books arranged a particular way” or “I wash my hands a lot” really diminishes what having OCD is. OCD is quite literally defined by upsetting, intrusive thoughts, thoughts that have no rational or reasonable relationship to the reality. Turning off every light and then having to check ten more times to be sure before leaving the house because if you don’t something horrible will happen isn’t a reasonable thought. It’s not something built on lived experience or a rational look at statistics and facts, it’s quite literally magical thinking. It’s the feeling that there is a doom that can only be avoided if someone does these totemic and ritualistic gestures.

The fact that you – or someone else – has these thoughts and reactions to them is only proof that you are having those thoughts and they make you feel a particular way. That’s it. That’s what they mean. And the fact that they’re unwanted, upsetting and frequently disruptive is what makes them intrusive.

(Incidentally, you may want to look into cognitive behavioral therapy, even if it’s self-directed exercises like at MoodGym. CBT is known for being especially effective at helping people manage intrusive and unwanted thoughts.)

Your style and aesthetic preferences are likewise not proof positive of being allosexual or asexual. It’s entirely understandable that you’re drawn towards men who have a particular aesthetic because they represent a masc-presentation that vibes with you. It’s entirely possible to find someone fascinating or appealing because they represent what you would like to be or to become – an aspirational or inspirational figure. That doesn’t mean that it’s only an aesthetic appreciation; aesthetics and attraction can go hand in hand, and we do find ourselves more drawn to people who are similar to us in many ways. It’s possible to be having crushes on people while also seeing them as a model for how you would like to see or style yourself or how you feel inside. It’s not either/or.

It’s also important to note that whether you find genitals exciting or fascinating or not, regardless of the gender of the person they’re attached to, isn’t a measure of anything other than how you feel about people’s junk. People can have very strong feelings about genitalia that are entirely separate from their sexuality. You will never, for example, find people more obsessed with dicks than straight guys. They’re not closeted gays, it’s that to a certain type of straight dude, dicks are full of terrible meaning and incredible significance and all things about them as men are reflected in dicks. Some folks may be attracted to vulvas, some people may be attracted to the person with the vulva but not find vulvas themselves to be aesthetically pleasing or arousing. Same with boobs; you’ll find gay men obsessed with women’s breasts, straight men who’re far more about other body parts and all sorts of other variations.

Being sex-positive for others is also not really an indication of being ace or not, even if some things squick you out. You can want other people to have the sort of sex that they find fulfilling and enjoyable without wanting it for yourself or without finding what they are into arousing. Someone’s into feet and you’re not? OK… good for both of you.

Now, some things that you mention are, I think, completely unconnected to whether you’re asexual or not, and are far more related to other, different issues. You mention that you dress conservatively in part because you’re hiding your body. That sounds to me as though this is more about wanting others to accept you as a man, rather than misgendering you – an entirely reasonable feeling, especially under your circumstances. It’s incredibly hard being trans in this day and age; it’s even harder when the people in your life are unsupportive, unaccepting or even actively hostile to trans and queer people. Not wanting other folks to add to that stress (accidentally or intentionally) is completely understandable and legitimate.

The same goes for how the idea of being expected to date or be sexual gives you anxiety. A lot of people, especially young people and femme-bodied people in particular feel this way, and with good reason. One of the reasons why a lot of women and femme-presenting non-binary people are choosing celibacy or being “boysober” is in part a reaction to a societal pressure to perform their sexuality in particular ways; those ways often have little to do with their own relationship to their sexuality and far more to how other people think they should be.

If you’re still working on your relationship to yourself and your gender, still dealing with significant people who don’t or won’t accept that you’re a man and/or who pressure you to be sexual in a way that misgenders you? Shutting down and preferring to avoid it entirely is a completely understandable reaction to that. People pushing you to perform your sexuality in opposition to who you know yourself to be is something that strikes directly at the heart of who you are, and I imagine it would feel a lot like society trying to force you back into a tiny and restrictive cage. If you feel like to date or to be sexual would mean a conflict between who you are and who other people insist you should be – especially during a time when people are trying to enforce that through law – then I’d be surprised if the thought didn’t give you the screaming abdabs.

Now after all of this, if you want me to give you a definitive ruling that you can then either accept or appeal to others… well, honestly, I don’t think I can give you one. What I do think is that, ace or allo, you’re someone who’s going through a really rough time, and you’re dealing with not just mental health issues but also the conflict of being a reasonable person in unreasonable circumstances. It sounds to me like a lot of things are up in the air for you right now or are otherwise in a state of flux and chaos. I suspect that, as things settle down, you find more support and you get a handle on things like your mental and emotional health, you’ll be in a better place to explore yourself and figure out who you are.

I will say that I think there’s a trend in society right now of people who feel like their preferences or needs won’t be respected unless they tie it to something intrinsic to them or outside of their control. However, I can’t emphasize this enough: this isn’t to say that people who say they’re ace or autistic, who have social anxiety or other issues are lying. If anything, it’s more of a commentary on how other people won’t accept “I would prefer not to”, but will accept “I can’t because I’m X”, and that’s kinda fucked up, honestly. I don’t know if that applies to you or not, but I do think it’s relevant and something to think about – especially if you’ve had past experiences of people who refuse to accept your wishes unless you can “justify” them in some way.

But maybe that’s not you. I have no idea; you’re the one in your head and I’m not, so you tell me.

The last thing I have to say is that if you do decide that you’re ace, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re locked into this forever. What is true for you now and your understanding of yourself and your own sexuality may not be true down the line. If you choose to say that you’re asexual and later you find that you’re sexually attracted to someone, that doesn’t mean that you were lying, faking or otherwise wrong – not any more than someone who identified as bi later comes to realize that they’re actually gay or someone who was straight realizes that maybe they’re not as straight as they thought. All that it means is that sexuality is weird and messy, frequently contradictory and sometimes what you understand to be true can change. Your relationship with yourself, your knowledge of yourself and who you are is always changing as you learn more, experience more and settle into yourself.

I think, if nothing else, it’s perfectly acceptable to decide that sex should be on the backburner while you figure everything else out. I certainly feel like prioritizing your overall mental health and well-being, and finding friends and family of choice who love and support you is a good idea. If deciding that the label of asexuality fits best and gives you permission to do so? Go for it.

It’s ok if you don’t have all the answers right now. Nobody worth listening to expects you to. It’s ok to not be sure, to change your mind or to recognize that what you understood to be true at the time turned out differently. You and you alone are the expert and foremost authority in your own life. Never forget that.

You’ve got this.

All will be well.

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Dear Dr. NerdLove:

Why do I tend to feel resentful and jealous of other people’s relationships? It’s a part of me I’ve tried not to acknowledge because its shitty to feel this way but it has cost me. Even though I’m ace and on the spectrum, I think feeling like I’m graduating by 30 and not being in a relationship means that something is missing. I also often just feel that my autism can be a detractor to my dating life, up until I see other people on the spectrum have relationships. I get worried that I’m one of those people who’s inherently isolated and it’s my own fault.

How do I get past these feelings or even just bring them up in counseling. I try to avoid them because I feel like an incel for having them but at the same time you have to accept that shadow ya know. It also doesn’t help that I find people exhausting at the best of time despite everything.

Please help.

You Blew It Up Damn You

There’s nothing wrong with being envious of people who are in relationships, YBIUDY. We’re social animals; we tend to thrive in communities and when we have people in our lives who love us, care for us and support us. Wanting that isn’t wrong and feeling sad for the lack or wishing that you could have what other people have isn’t inherently bad.

Having these doesn’t feelings make you an incel, nor do you need to try to avoid feeling them. Not only does it not work – you can’t force yourself to not feel things – but trying not to feel them just means denying that you have a need that’s going unmet. At best, the need continues to go unmet. At worst… well, that’s when it starts curdling into bitterness and resentment.

The difference between wanting a relationship when you don’t have one and being an incel is pretty significant. When we talk about incels as a group, we’re talking about people who’ve defined themselves as much by their anger and resentment as their relationship status. People can be lonely without being incels. People can crave and miss love and affection when they don’t have it, and still not be incels. They can even want love and affection and feel frustrated that they don’t know how to find those things. It’s when those frustrations turn to anger and hate – whether directed inward or outward – They can even want love and affection and feel frustrated that they don’t know how to find those things

I would also point out that you’re not “inherently” isolated. You’re lonely and alone and from the sounds of it, you’re something of an introvert. That’s not the same as being “inherently” isolated. For it to be “inherent”, it would have to be an immutable, unavoidable aspect of who you are, some thing about you that makes it literally impossible for you to ever change. And that’s not true. You’re not flawed, you’re not unloveable and you’re not doomed to being isolated.

I think the first thing you should do is stop trying to avoid the topic in counseling. In fact, I think it would likely do you some good to bring it up straight away. Part of the point of talking to a counselor is to talk about the things that’re bothering you; you don’t need to wait for an opening or for an organic opportunity to slide it across the table as a dialogue option. You can just say “I’ve really been feeling lonely and envious of the people I see in relationships lately and I don’t like how it’s been making me feel. I’d really like to work on that.”

Starting that conversation is the start of dealing with those feelings. Your counselor can help you unpack the complicated and messy feels you have over being ace and autistic while also wanting a relationship, how to deal with people being exhausting and what steps you can take to manage everything.

I will say, however, that being asexual doesn’t mean that you don’t want a relationship. Being ace is about sex and libido, not intimacy and love. Ace people can and do have romantic relationships. Sex may not be a cornerstone of that relationship or a key part of your connection with your partner, but that’s fine. The great thing about relationships is that the only people who get to define them are you and your partner. If you love someone, they love you and your intimacy doesn’t involve sex? Cool: you’re in a loving, romantic relationship. You’re also allowed to decide how much you two see each other, whether you live together or not, share the same bedroom or not or any of a thousand other little details. None of them are prerequisites for calling what you have “a relationship”; the only prereq is that you both agree.

At the same time: not being in a relationship doesn’t mean anything about you as a person except that you’re not currently in one. It doesn’t matter how old you are or whether this is your first or fiftieth; those are just data points, not definitions. The same with being autistic; it’s just a fact about you, something inherently neutral. Some people may not vibe with you because of it. For others, it’ll be part of what makes you uniquely you. And this is true about all aspects of life. There’ll be people who don’t dig the color of your hair; that doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with it. It just means that person doesn’t dig it. That’s it.

Don’t define yourself by what you perceive (rightly or wrongly) to be your flaws; all this does is limit you and put up unnecessary obstacles in your life. Instead, define yourself by your potential, your goals, your ambitions, your drive and your actions. You’re capable of far more than you give yourself credit for; defining yourself by your perceived limitations only restricts you.

So hie thyself over to the counselor’s and get the conversation started. The sooner you start, the sooner you’ll be addressing these feelings and getting them to the point that they aren’t troubling you any longer.

Good luck.

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This post was previously published on Doctornerdlove.com and is republished on Medium.

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