How does someone learn to be date-able?
Dating is an art. And it’s always effort. Spoken from my own experience, as a 32-year-old single woman: going on a date is a big project for me. Having a clear vision of what I DON’T want in a man, I’m also trying hard to be more flexible with inner and outer qualities I do expect. Expectations lower the chance to meet the right person and make us feel undateble, we feel like there’s no right match for us..for everyone yes, but not for us.
Certainly, the next thing we need to try to delete from our systems is picking the wrong partners who aren’t a good fit from the start. My last longer relationship was with a narcissist and abuser, I knew it from the start but was believing it will still work. He made me cry every day, made me feel so much guilt for a year, not understanding why my love doesn’t work. But I didn’t leave. Stupid isn’t it? Then a year after I suddenly developed a crush on an old friend, who isn’t even close to what I used to like in men, and it didn’t work either. On the other side, I always had a few cute guys chasing me for years and I wouldn’t give them a chance because somehow they’re not my type. But an abuser and a friend who’s not into me is???
It’s crystal clear: One of the reasons we feel undatable is simply because we are picking the wrong partners. With the right person, we will be dateable and it will be easy!
After many years of dating, I developed an intuition as to what could be working if we are looking for a long-term healthy, romantic partnership.
-
New date = patience
Being patient, getting to know somebody well, is a great recipe for a sustainable relationship. But it also means developing lots of patience. Time and space will show if two humans match. Sometimes we just need time to teach and learn to love each other.The little things, the big ones. Living the happy moments together as the less happy ones.
-
New date = uncertainty
We can’t tell if a relationship will last. Not even when we feel the most crazy, strong, purple pink butterflies destroying our guts out of excitement. Sometimes we are so “high” from love but it’s not a ticket to “real love”. It’s just a moment. Understanding and accepting uncertainty and a sober reflection on a new relationship are crucial to be more date-able. Neediness is a killer. It’s a big strength if we can admit: “I intend to love you but if it isn’t working I’m feeling strong enough to let you go and won’t die from a broken heart and make you feel guilty until the rest of your life”.
-
New date = vulnerability
In order to have a strong relationship we have to learn to be honest, from the bottom of our hearts. When we reveal our biggest dreams but also our fears, traumas and flaws we’re making ourselves vulnerable. Not everyone can take or show vulnerability. But those who can deserve a fair chance.
-
New date = leaping into unknown
When we overcame our bad dating habits and can finally date people who may not be the “perfect illusionary, superficial match” but have a good heart, are kind and in front of all mutually interested, we should give it a go. I gave myself the permission to feel not so long ago and it has taught me so much about myself. Leaping into unknown, giving ourselves the permission to feel the feelings, the love, is an incredible strength and virtue. Feelings are a bliss which make us feel alive and humane.
-
New date = growth
We grow in every relationship if we work on ourselves and decide to see what lessons a new person has to offer. I love the growth I get from new encounters. It makes me a bigger woman.
-
New date = just one new human being
When we meet a new person, we have to keep in mind that it’s just an-other human being, just like us. Flawed, moody, happy, sad, traumatized, full of habits and experience. I tend to idealize a person once I have a crush, but it’s just getting more painful once things don’t work out. We’re all just humans with profound feelings and lots of scars.
Dating is delightful. If you’re single – don’t miss this chance to get to know yourself better with help of a new person. We all are here to teach each other and to learn from one another. And dating is a great, free chance to check in with ourselves. Creating intimacy is king of the school of life.
Just go with the flow … slowly … patiently … vulnerably … while leaping into the uncertainty, into the unknown, once it feels right … no matter the outcome!
Now, this is courage!
The right person will see everything we so desperately wanted to prove to partners with whom things didn’t work. We’re for sure more date-able when we are courageous enough to be imperfectly perfect – and just be ourselves.
Our true incredible, unique selves.
—
This post has been republished to Medium.
—
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often | Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | ..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything |
—