“I’m your parent, not your friend.”
That’s a thought that is tossed around quite a bit the whole world ’round.
I’ve even said that myself, truth be told. After all, it is our job to guide our kids. To teach them right from wrong. To show them there are consequences for their actions. Parenting is chockfull of making your kids face hard truths. Of teaching them how to be responsible for their decisions.
These are some of the reasons that statement was born. Because none of those things sound friendly.
“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends.” ~ Jane Austen
So, what about your teen knowing you’re on their side? Knowing you will always have their back? Knowing you’ll tell them the truth they need to hear, whether it’s about who they’re hanging out with, the clothes they want to wear, or their behavior needing a tweak? What does that sound like?
A friend? That’s because all those things I mentioned are wrapped up in being a good friend. They’re also part of being a good parent. We can be our teens’ good friends.
The best thing about working hard to be a good friend to your teen is that the more we behave like a good friend, the more they’ll open up to us if they need something. The last thing you want is for your teen to be so convinced that you aren’t their friend that they hide every mistake from you, even the ones they can’t fix on their own.
If my teen makes a catastrophic mistake and needs help climbing out of a hole she dug for herself, guess which person I’d rather she call than her best teen friend? Good ole Mom. And the only way she will do that is if she knows I’m both her mom and her friend.
Let’s review how I fill the friend slot:
· A friend wants what’s best for you. Check.
· A real friend isn’t afraid to tell you hard truths when you need to hear them. Check.
· A friend loves you. Check.
· A friend can be counted on to show up in a pinch. Check.
The only way you can’t be your teen’s friend is if the definition of the word friend is twisted in your vocabulary.
Merriam-Webster defines the word friend as “one attached to another by affection or esteem.”
What about that definition is something a parent can’t be?
Your teen cannot be your friend (if you’re a proper parent, that is) if what you think being a friend means is always telling someone what they want to hear, even if it’s at odds with what they need to hear. Showing up with booze to foster underage drinking and the “fun” involved in that. Doing everything for them so they are incapable of functioning on their own. Only ever saying yes, even when you know very well they need limits.
Me? I am friends with my teen. She’s eighteen this year, so successfully an adult, but our friendship didn’t just start when she turned into an “adult.” And I’m pretty sure she would tell you the same thing (unless I had just made her mad when you asked 😉), because all the things that make up a good parent of a teen also make you a good friend.
It’s hard to accept when they start growing up and they no longer need you to help them decide on every little thing.
But with parenting (and friendship) comes trust in their ability to be a good human.
With parenting (and friendship) comes giving them space to be who they want to be. Being there to support them as they strive to fulfill their dreams.
Parenting (and friendship) means telling them when they have spinach in their teeth, a boy/girl is no good for them, money should be saved, not just spent, and so many other things they may not want to hear in that moment.
Letting go of the steering wheel of their life is a gradual process that climaxes in their teens and often feels like you’re having your guts removed with a rusty pickaxe, but you can (and should) be able to build a pretty awesome friendship with your fledgling or soon-to-be adult.
I look forward to many more years of friendship with both of my daughters, because they are some of the coolest people I know.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Eye for Ebony on Unsplash