Chris Forte looked inside with prayer, reading, and meditation before he chose to say goodbye to his 17 year marriage. And when he moved on, he did so with strength.
Part of my spiritual fitness practice is writing. I love writing for The Good Men Project as I feel a great connection to many men who are contributing to such a wonderful website. I thought this was a good time to share my experience with divorce as the writing process helps me heal.
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I filed for the Death of my Marriage in November 2014. Before doing this I wanted to be 100% sure, so in the months prior I prayed, meditated, and read a certain proverb daily, The Path With A Heart which was posted on my blog. I called my former wife and told her about the filing. It didn’t come much as a surprise for her. The 17 year marriage was coming to an end. It was time now to lean on all my spiritual teachings and practices, and put them into high gear.
I recalled a teaching from one of my spiritual mentors who studied the Native American traditions, she said that when someone died the Native Americans gave themselves permission to grieve for one year. I took that approach with my divorce. I personally like the Death of a Marriage better than the term divorce. It seems like it gives it more meaning, which it should. Over the last year I grieved, accepted, surrendered, leaned into the pain, and most importantly looked within. I needed to get myself spiritually, physically, mentally, and emotionally healthy. Every day there was some form of daily prayer, mediation, reading or writing. I did the rosaries while I walked so I was getting fresh air and exercise. When I mediated I looked right in the mirror so I could get into the depth of my soul, with powerful experiences of vulnerability, forgiveness and love. Daily yoga was the perfect medicine, combining mind and body. I read certain books like The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo. This is a daily reader in which Mark shares his life obstacles and the insights he uses to persevere.
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I will tell you what I didn’t do over the last year. I didn’t hit the bar scene, jump into any type of relationship or abuse my mind, body or spirit. I didn’t run from the pain, I leaned into it. I took responsibility for my three daughters. I started to write again which keeps me committed to my path, The Path With A Heart.
Here I am a year later around the holidays. I feel much better than a year ago. Am I over the divorce, the Death of my Marriage? I view it as a major obstacle in my life that has given me the opportunity to grow more spiritually and become a more loving human being. The Humble Warrior moves on.
Live Brave,
Chris Forte
Photo Credit: Getty Images
Hi Andy,
I appreciate your comments. My former wife and I tried to work on the marriage over a year with a holistic therapist. The decision for me to file wasn’t easy and I used a lot of resources. My daughters are doing well. You and I have lots of work to do as a single dad to raise three healthy daughters. Be well.
I have to agree with Beth. I am divorced because my ex never told me what she needed, instead did what you did, meditated, vanished, looked inside, stopped communicating with me. I too have 3 daughters. There is nothing impressive about your unilaterally giving up. You gave up on your girls too. Now you can pat yourself on the back that you did the right thing for yourself. Your ex is probably wondering what the F just happened, just like I feel. Going off and deciding on your own may work for you but it is very cruel to your… Read more »
And I just need to add….I’m sure many people will feel you were brave for knowing and doing what you felt you needed to do to be happy, and spending so much time in thoughtful consideration beforehand. But being really brave would have been to make yourself vulnerable to your wife….to show her your heart.
And you called her to tell her you filed for divorce? On the phone? Not even in person? Unless you had already been separated for a long time, and living in different parts of the country, there really is just no excuse for that.
Hi Beth,
I appreciate your comments. My former wife and went to holistic therapy close to a year. I wanted to save the marriage, she chose another path. This piece I wrote was about becoming to a difficult decision. Sometimes the ones we love most, we must let go.
Thank you,
Chris
Wow. Totally and completely self centered. Praying, meditating, ruminating on a proverb are all completely inside your own head. A marriage needs two people. While understanding yourself is a good thing, nowhere do you mention communicating with your wife, sharing your feelings and needs with your wife, both those that are being met and those that are not. Sharing with her what you need in your marriage, and listening, really listening, to what she wants and needs, too. The more time you spend inside your own head, the less time you spend in communion with your wife. You filed for… Read more »
Good for you brother. I find my own marriage teetering. The last two years I have been in a 12-Step program primarily for the best practices and spiritual growth. I learn to take responsibility for myself and let go of what I cannot change. I have been through a grieving process that has helped me grow and learn. Serenity is the ability to accept things exactly as they are and make choices accordingly.
Way to go Scott! Your doing the work, all will be good. Be well. Live Brave