The unspoken burden of the supportive partner.
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After having our first child, I was the happiest I’ve ever been. I had read that postpartum depression could strike anyone, but I was one of the lucky ones. I was the happiest I have ever been in my life. Starting only two weeks postpartum, I was making three-course meals and making new friends with every mom I could find in the neighborhood. My husband was a wonderful, supportive father shouldering his part of the diaper changes and late night wakings even while he prepared for his doctoral qualifying exams. It’s never easy being new parents, but it always felt like we were on top of life.
Very quickly, my emotions started to spiral and feel out of control.
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My second pregnancy was tough, but through the nine months of vomiting, I looked forward to the beautiful postpartum period of dizzily falling in love with the newest member of our family. In the last month, I developed a cough that I couldn’t kick and was prescribed an inhaler to fight the wheezing that came with it. I had a unicorn labor—the kind you feel bad telling other women about. I was laughing, smiling, happy the whole time and we were so smitten with our beautiful, healthy baby girl.
That night, though, there was a problem—not with my daughter, but with me. Coupled with recovering from labor, my cough got so bad that it was painful to breathe. My exhausted body would shoot with pain every time I coughed. I couldn’t sleep, even when my baby did, because of the pain. I don’t know if my postpartum depression was caused by this pain and lack of sleep, but I know it didn’t help. Very quickly, my emotions started to spiral and feel out of control.
I became terrified of my daughter getting my infection and not being able to breathe, and insisted on speaking to many doctors and nurses while tearfully telling them her life was at risk. The second night my husband went home to stay with my son and my mother stayed at the hospital with me and I had a panic attack worrying that something would happen to him and my son that night.
Many, many days my husband would literally take my feet and place them on the ground.
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It got worse from there. I was diagnosed with pneumonia and told to stop breastfeeding; pump and dump, and to give formula. Our daughter rejected bottles so had to be fed with a syringe, and I couldn’t sleep even in the one-and-a-half hours I was allowed to between pumping. At times, I would be so panicked about my daughter’s health that I was inconsolable.
Through all this my husband was cool, calm, and really the only thing keeping me tethered. When I think back on it, I can’t imagine how hard it was for him. He was nearly as sleep deprived as I was; caring for our newborn, our toddler, and his wife who was at best overwhelmed, exhausted and sick and at worst incoherent and panicked. He answered my son’s question “Why is mommy sad?” so beautifully far more times than a father should have to. He took our son and baby to the park to give me space to sleep but returned at a moment’s notice to hold me while I cried.
Over the months, the frantic, confused, frightened state lessened and was replaced with a deep, overwhelming depression. Most days when I woke up I felt like there was a literal weight pressing down on my body making it impossible to even move out of bed. It was a depression where I yearned to even feel sadness, mostly I just felt a dark and empty flatness.
Many, many days my husband would literally take my feet and place them on the ground. He would look me in the eyes and say “I know it’s hard right now, it will get better. I can get you this far, but you have to do the rest, and you have to keep fighting. I know you can do this.” He taught me every day what love looks like, and he held me and our family together.
If your partner has postpartum depression, know they feel how deeply you care even if you can’t show it.
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Thank goodness we were educated. We quickly recognized that I was suffering from severe postpartum depression and actively sought treatment. But I needed help beyond what the professionals could offer me. I didn’t have the strength or willpower to take care of myself, or to make and get to appointments. My inner monologue was sometimes afraid and sad, sometimes flat and negative, but rarely helpful and never to be trusted—He became my voice of reason. I needed a hand to hold, acceptance while he shouldered far more than his fair share of our household tasks, and trust that this would pass and there would be light again some day. He made me laugh when I didn’t think I had it in me. He would come home from work to take me for walks, the only thing that lifted the fog when things were at their darkest.
Postpartum depression doesn’t just affect the women who suffer from it, it affects entire family units. I know it wore deeply on my husband, and he eventually battled a depression of his own for the first time in his life. At the time, I tried, but I know I didn’t show him enough appreciation for holding me together. I know I couldn’t be the person he needed to lean on. I know he also had the beautiful postpartum period we dreamed of disappear.
There has been a lot of discussion about postpartum depression lately, but not enough focus on the partners of those affected. If your partner has postpartum depression, know they feel how deeply you care even if you can’t show it. Know that the person you love will regain the light in their eyes, and your best friend will again have your back. Things will not always be this one-sided. Even if the PPD manifests directly as anger towards you, try not to take it personally or feel that you have failed.
The postpartum period is hard for everyone, and postpartum depression makes it even more so. It may feel like you can’t even keep your family above water, but remember that you have to put on your oxygen mask first. Lean on your friends and your family, and feel no shame in seeking professional support for your own mental health. Cut yourself some slack if there are times you fall apart yourself. Do anything you can to make some time for you. Talk to other dads you know, some of them certainly will have supported a partner through PPD—you are not alone in this.
Try, though it is nearly impossible, to remember that this is not what parenthood will always be like. It won’t get easy, but it will get a hell of a lot easier than today.
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Photo: GettyImages