How to Finally Get Over Your Ex [Video]

Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited)

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once we know that we don’t simply return
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to someone because we miss them or
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because it feels bad because we have a
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bigger picture in mind
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[Music]
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i was talking to a client of mine who
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was actually finding it difficult
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recently to stop herself from going back
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to somebody that she knew had caused her
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a lot of pain
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in the past she had broken up with this
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person because the relationship wasn’t a
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good one the person she was with made
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her feel insecure
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constantly put his needs first
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and just generally
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was quite nasty
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in arguments there was a toxicity to the
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relationship and even though
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he would say i’m gonna get better or i’m
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gonna work on myself
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there was no evidence
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for that it was always the same and so
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eventually she decided enough was enough
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but she kept thinking about going back
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to this person she had this feeling that
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maybe she had done something wrong that
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maybe she needed to let this person back
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into her life
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well i want to give a quick piece of
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advice here for everybody
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it’s really important
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to figure out
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what it is we actually want and by that
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i mean the values that are important to
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us
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the culture in the relationship that is
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important to us
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and what kind of energy we want to have
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in our life and i said this in a video
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recently and perhaps even in a podcast
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recently i can’t remember that it’s
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really important to figure out what our
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north star is
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our north star is that
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that vision for ourselves our life and
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our relationship that we are driving
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towards
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if we don’t have that if we haven’t
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decided what that is for us and another
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way of saying it is just what matters
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most to us what are the most important
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things in life to us
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if we haven’t decided that
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then
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we are simply at the mercy of our
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emotions
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we are always going to get dragged back
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to whatever feels good in the moment or
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fear is going to drive us away from what
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feels bad
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and the truth is breakups feel bad
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even when they’re the right decision
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initially they feel bad we’re going cold
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turkey on a relationship right now we’re
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trying to get by on our own when we’ve
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been used to sleeping in the same bed as
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someone when we’ve been used to having
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someone to talk to when we’ve been used
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to having some kind of intimacy or
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passion or at least some kind of
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connection or even just the story that
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somebody is there even if there wasn’t
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passion and intimacy and connection
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and we’re now going cold turkey on that
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that’s not going to feel
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good but that doesn’t make it the wrong
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decision
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what helps us in the moments where
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something is painful and we need to
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stick to something is knowing
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what values are most important to us
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knowing
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what we are driving towards in our life
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knowing the trajectory
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that is important to us
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once we know that we don’t simply return
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to someone because we miss them or
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because it feels bad because we have a
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bigger picture in mind we’ve widened our
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lens
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so that it has space for more than just
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like a kind of
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a
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wild dog just
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looking for
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either to drive towards an emotion
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pleasure
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or to run away from an emotion pain
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discomfort
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we have to know
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what it is we actually want or we’ll
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keep going back to what we
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know what’s comfortable
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and that elastic band
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of our life will always snap back to the
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comfortable position until we stretch it
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to the point where
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it no longer fits the same way
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anymore
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and
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the hard thing about
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trying to get something new in life
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about valuing something new
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about
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uh looking for something
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that’s better richer more
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nourishing than what we’ve been getting
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so far is that it it almost requires a
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leap of faith
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because if we haven’t had that yet if
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that’s not been something we experience
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if we’ve had lots of relationships
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that are of an unproductive dynamic but
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it’s what we know
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it’s hard to believe that something else
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is out there
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and what we need if we want to bridge
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the gap
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between our current
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fears of
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this thing we want being out there
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and
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having that thing the knowledge that it
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does exist what we need is curiosity
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i i was asked recently on a podcast
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what
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is something that i’ve had to work on in
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myself
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and he said over time i’ve had to work
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on trusting people
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because
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and i don’t just mean in an intimate
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context i mean also just in life in
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general in business
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uh sometimes in friendships
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i’ve had to work on trusting other
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people’s
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intentions
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and
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that they didn’t just have some ulterior
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motive they didn’t just have some agenda
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that i wasn’t just waiting for the other
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shoe to drop
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and
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the
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the problem with being like that of
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course of not trusting people is that
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it meant i was always kind of looking
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for
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that moment when someone would betray me
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i was always looking for that moment
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when someone would do
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something that would reflect
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an ulterior motive that agenda
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and
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of course when you’re looking for that
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you’ll always find it you’ll you’ll
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either find it in something big
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or you’ll find it in something small and
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the reason you’ll always find it is
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because
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people are people
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people are complex
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if you’re looking for the bad side of
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people you will always find it because
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there’ll always be a dark side to people
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there’ll always be a selfish side to
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people there’ll always be a moment where
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someone
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someone’s
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better
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intentions or better side gives way to a
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moment of
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of selfishness or a moment of
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carelessness or a moment of ignorance
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you’ll always find it
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um
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what i realized is that firstly
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if i want
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to have a different kind of relationship
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with people if i it starts almost with
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an aspiration right my north star
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in this case
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was
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finding
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or creating relationships that were
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built on really beautiful
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deep connections with people
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that were the kinds of let’s call them
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friendships the kinds of friendships
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i’ve always wanted
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but but in some cases found
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elusive because of that lack of trust
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so my north star became
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the kinds of relationships i’ve always
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wanted to have beautiful friendships
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friendships built on real
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love
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and
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and wonderful intentions for each other
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and so if that’s my north star if that’s
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my aspiration
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then
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i have to start changing some things
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about the way i am to get that
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and that started for me with a level of
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curiosity like what
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what would happen
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if i assumed the best
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what would happen if i gave people the
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benefit of the doubt
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what would happen if instead of
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having this
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albeit maybe slightly subconscious
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assumption that
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people
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disappoint you or that everyone’s got an
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agenda what if i decided that no
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actually
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for the most part people want to be good
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people
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people want their best side to come out
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sometimes they slip up and sometimes
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their own agenda or their selfishness
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gets the better of them but ultimately
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people do want to be good
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and what if i behaved on that rationale
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and
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and treated people like that and and
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what maybe i could get curious about
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what would happen if i really recognized
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that in people
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outwardly what if i made an effort to
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see the best in people and to recognize
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the
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the kind of the angels in them the
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beautiful parts of them
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and what would happen if i did that
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and what’s interesting is
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when you start with that aspiration of
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what’s my north star and then
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you say well okay if i got curious
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in my attempt to reach that north star
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what if i got curious about how my
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behavior changing might change my result
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even if it goes wrong it’s just
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curiosity is just an experiment that’s
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what i like about it it’s not when when
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someone says you have to believe that
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people can be better that’s
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that’s
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a big step for someone
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if that’s not been their experience or
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if there’s some trauma there or if
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there’s something that they’ve they’re
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trying to undo a belief system it’s hard
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to just tell someone just believe i
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don’t i don’t buy that
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but what can happen
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is
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when we get curious
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we don’t have to believe anything we
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just have to run an experiment
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and see what happens what happens if i
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what happens if i actually trusted that
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that someone
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wasn’t out to get me what hap or what
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would happen if i trusted that someone
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didn’t actually
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they weren’t they didn’t have some big
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hidden agenda they were just a person
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like me with a mixed agenda
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and they they wanted something for
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themselves but they also actually do
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really
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want to do the right thing and
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what if what if it was true
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that people
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had the ability to sort of morph and
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transform depending on who was in front
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of them
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and what if the person that they gave
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their best to was the person that saw
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the best in them
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and and saw their potential to be good
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and celebrated the good in them
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wouldn’t that be something that would
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make them want to bring that side of
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themselves out more
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and
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and so over the the last few years
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that’s
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almost a a game i’ve been playing with
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life
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is
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to give
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to to recognize the best in people and
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to
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encourage it and to trust in the best in
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people and the worst that can happen is
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what that i get taken advantage of for a
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minute
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okay
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but
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that doesn’t have to create a story
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about people it can just
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it just supports the story that people
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are complex
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and sometimes people’s selfishness gets
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the better of them for some people it
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gets the better of them all the time
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but that’s not the story for everybody
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so
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when that happens
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it becomes a new lens
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and a curiosity itself is a new lens
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rather than deciding the way things are
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based on the story we’ve been telling
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ourselves for a long time we become open
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to a different story
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we become open to a different
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possibility and we start acting in
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accordance what happens if i do
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something new instead of expecting
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people to be different what if i did
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something different
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how would that change the experience how
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would that change the result
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how would that produce a different
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element
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and when we do that i’ll tell you what
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it does it gives
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it creates a new result
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even if it’s different and not great but
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it’s different
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the new result creates new possibilities
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in our mind it if nothing else it
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teaches us that what we’ve experienced
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so far isn’t the only thing that can be
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experienced
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and that opens the world up
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so i know this for some of you listening
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may sound a little abstract but it’s
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really not
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what it’s saying is
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you may have been making
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decisions in your love life or in your
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life constantly that have
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brought you pain and that’s a pattern in
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your life that you keep running head
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first into the same kind of pain
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the beginning of getting out of that
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pattern
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is getting clear about
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what values we’re gonna
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prioritize going forward
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what we are gonna decide is the culture
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we want in our relationships going
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forward
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what kind of person
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we want to attract going forward
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and then
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recognizing having compassion that it’s
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not easy just to believe that something
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new is possible
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and so
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using that aspiration as a guidepost and
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as a kind of
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a thing we want to move towards and
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saying
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okay now let me start experimenting with
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my actions from a curious perspective
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not from a place of belief but from a
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curious perspective
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of what might move me closer to that
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thing
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and seeing how your new actions
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start to change
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who you attract the kind of behavior
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that you receive from people
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and that
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then becomes a very powerful thing
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because even if it doesn’t get you right
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on target it opens up the world of
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what’s possible
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[Music]
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you

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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