I am a man and I like being in a relationship. I enjoy being committed to one person and in turn passing on the other thousands of beautiful and amazing women I meet.
I know it’s cool being single because you can (theoretically) sleep with anyone you want — sometimes multiple people within the same day! Plus a no commitments, free-floating, do what you want kinda lifestyle.
I encourage you to sleep around as much as you wish. Have fun, explore your sexuality, enjoy the single life. Bang your brains out.
However, there comes a point in your life at which you should ask yourself if that is what you want to do forever.
Real joy and happiness don’t come from the number of girls or guys who screamed your name into your pillows. The come from having a functioning, meaningful and mutually beneficial romantic relationship with another human being. (Or beings, if you’re into polyamory.)
They come from being able to say “I am committed to this person and I know that I am missing out on others. But that is okay because I don’t want to have more and more — but build more with what I have.”
I have always been a relationship guy and even during my single years, I enjoyed long-term friends with benefits much more than quick flings.
From a couple of months to multiple years, from seeing each other five times a week to a long-distance relationship, from smooth sailing to flying high and crashing hard, I’ve had it.
Looking back at it, all of my relationships can be put into one of three categories: codependent, independent, and interdependent. And if I knew about this earlier, I would have saved myself a lot of trouble.
These aren’t just fancy words, but rather a precise way of gauging how a relationship will go. Why is that? Because to make the distinction between these categories, you have to take a deep look at the underlying dynamics and how exactly two people in a relationship influence each other.
It doesn’t matter if you’re single, recently got into a relationship or even have been with the same person for a long time — what you’re about to read is going to shine a very different light on relationships as you know them.
So what exactly are these three categories and how do you know what you’re dealing with? Let me show you.
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The pitfalls of codependency
Codependency specialist and therapist Darlene Lancer describes being codependent as “someone who has lost their core sense of self, so that his or her thinking and behavior revolves around someone or something external.”
Put simply: You and your partner are dependent on each other to feel good, validate yourselves and bump up your self-esteem. You need each other because you can’t live a great life on your own. The reasons are plenty, but usually come down to a lack of one or more of the following: Love, money, sex, companionship, and emotional support.
If you are lacking any of these in your personal life outside of the relationship, you’re likely to run to your partner for them. This creates a needy dynamic with all sorts of problems. On top of that, codependent people tend to attract someone else who is also codependent. Both rely on each other as emotional crutches and will mask their own issues by trying to fix their partner instead of themselves. This leaves no room for you to develop yourself, grow, and improve your own life. Instead, it can seriously mess up your life and hold you back as a person.
Three years ago, unbeknownst to me at the time, I found myself in a very codependent relationship. She had tons of trouble and problems in her life and depended on me to solve them so her life wouldn’t go belly-up. I didn’t have much trouble in my life at all but depended on the regular boosts in self-esteem and validation that I got from pulling her out of a mess. Plus, I was desperate for love. The result? We both got sucked deeper and deeper into a toxic relationship because we used it to mask our own issues and problems. Instead of working on what was wrong with ourselves, we exchanged blame (and nasty words) for what was wrong with each other. Fortunately, I pulled the plug after a while, but it cost me more than a year of my life — not accounting for the aftermath of the nasty breakup.
So how do you find out if you are in a codependent relationship? There are a couple of characteristics that you need to look out for.
- Poor or no boundaries. You don’t set up boundaries or allow your partner to violate them because you are afraid of losing them.
- People pleasing. Same same, but different. You go out of your way to please your partner — not because you want to be nice to them, but because you are afraid that they might leave if you don’t. This can take on many forms, from cutting contacts to friends over not going out anymore to agreeing to anal, all against better judgment.
- Neglect of your own, individual interests. In any relationship, you should always keep some interests and passions that you pursue without your partner. If you don’t, I’ve got some bad news — nothing screams codependency as much as not having your own, individual life.
- Controlling behaviors and blaming each other. In a codependent relationship, you not only depend on your partner but also depend on them to be exactly as you want. Your self-esteem is based on your relationship being picture-perfect, so it takes a severe hit if it isn’t. This often results in controlling behavior and blaming the other person for any deviation from the ideal you want them to be.
- Trouble showing vulnerability. Since you want your relationship to be picture-perfect, you not only have trouble accepting your partner’s flaws but also admitting your own. Showing true vulnerability becomes hard because you are afraid of what might happen when the perfect image your partner has of you becomes distorted.
Codependent relationships come in many forms and disguises, which sometimes makes it hard to detect them at first glance.
But the one thing they all have in common is the following: You focus too much on being a couple but not enough on being an individual.
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Level up: Independency
An independent relationship is pretty self-explanatory. Two people who are independent and can manage their life and needs on their own get together and form a relationship. Neither does this bring out many synergies amongst the two, nor does it hold them back in life. The fact that you two are in a relationship doesn’t affect you much at all. You’re doing your thing and they’re doing theirs.
If you are in an independent relationship, you have all your needs covered by yourself or other people in your life, at least in theory. You don’t have to turn to your partner for love, money, sex, companionship, or emotional support. You might get some of that from them, but you’d be fine without it. And your partner is the same.
From my experience, these relationships are often characterized by a lot of focus on being an individual, and not so much focus on being a couple.
That’s exactly what my last relationship was like. She and I were both happy on our own, with tons of individual interests and very content with our own lives. We could’ve gone a week without contact (heck, we did) and didn’t miss anything at all. Sounds a little dull, doesn’t it? It was. The spark we had in the beginning quickly died down — we both focused too much on being individual and not enough on being a couple. After a while, we were just tagging along. That’s when we decided to leave it at that and go our own, separate ways.
Independent relationships are better than codependent ones in the sense that they don’t hold you back in life or stifle your growth. You can still do you (sometimes, that’s all you do). But at the same time, you should ask yourself if that is what you want. Being in an independent relationship doesn’t cost you much time or energy but you also don’t get much out of it. You just coexist. That’s not what I want in life. To me, a relationship can be so much more than doing my own thing and meeting up for a quick How was your day and some horizontal tango every now and then. On the other hand, I know plenty of couples who make it work. So that’s up for you to decide.
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Hitting the jackpot: Interdependence
If codependency is too much focus on being a couple, and independency is too much focus on being an individual, then interdependency is the golden mean.
An interdependent relationship brings out the synergies between you and your partner. You will both focus on being an individual and a couple. And by doing so, you bring out the best in each other.
This gives you room to do your thing — grow in life, pursue your interests, be an individual. At the same time, your partner and you support and help each other. Not only in times of need but also when things are going well.
About two months ago, I met a girl. We’ve been hanging out a lot lately and while it’s too early to know where we end up, one thing is for sure: Both our lives improved because of each other. And I don’t mean the lovey-dovey feeling you get when you hit it off with someone. No. I mean areas that are seemingly unrelated to a relationship. We inspire each other to become more productive and waste less of our free time with meaningless things. We help each other stick with our training and diets. We can and do talk about everything, which helps us to get to know ourselves better and resolve issues that we have. We can show vulnerability. But at the same time, we respect each other’s boundaries and need for alone time. So far, we are a great match and our lives benefit from being with the other person. But we also know that if things don’t work out, both of us will do fine without the other.
Interdependency manages the balancing act between living your individual lives and being in a committed, mutually beneficial relationship.
It allows you to be yourself while at the same time it brings out the best in your partner and yourself. You help each other be better human beings and live the life you want.
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Putting it all together: It starts with you
These three types of relationships can be seen as levels you can unlock.
If you are needy and bring a lot of issues with you, you will almost inevitably end up in a codependent relationship. Even if you attract someone who is independent, you will force a codependency frame onto them.
I wish I could tell you something else, but if you find yourself in a codependent relationship, there is only one thing you can do: Get out. Sure, you’ll want to fix it instead. You don’t want to lose your partner. But you’re dealing with two needy people who usually have tons of issues and are trying to fix themselves while in a toxic relationship. That’s a surefire recipe for disaster. Trust me, I’ve tried. Multiple times, long and hard.
I know that it can be incredibly hard to let go because you are dependent on the other person — your basic needs will not be fulfilled anymore once you break up. On the other hand, it is the only sensible thing to do. Codependent relationships hold you back. They stifle your growth. They hold you back from achieving what you want and becoming who you want to be. They prevent you from living a happy and fulfilled life.
It will be painful. It will be hard. But a year later, you will look back and know that it was one of the best decisions you ever made. If you are in a codependent relationship, get out.
After you got out of your codependent relationship — or were single to start with — you can work on yourself. Get your life in order. Grow as a person. Find yourself. Find fulfillment and purpose. When you can look at yourself and say I’m happy with my life despite being single, that’s when you’re independent.
Once you’re independent, you’ve unlocked the next level. You’re ready to enter an independent relationship. You’re ready to be with someone who is independent as well and the two of you can get together without losing yourselves in the process.
The last level, interdependence, cannot be unlocked by you alone. The most you can do to achieve this is to become an independent individual and find a like-minded partner.
Real interdependence is then formed over time in your relationship. You two have to walk the tightrope of being committed and contributing to the relationship without losing yourself in the process. You have to overcome hardships and support each other while keeping your own life on track. And your partner has to do so, too.
This isn’t easy. It requires constant work and effort. There will be many trials and errors. But it is worth every second of struggle.
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The icing on the cake
If I had to name the most common mistake people make when it comes to relationships, it would be this: People expect relationships to solve the issues they have with themselves.
I’ve seen it happening over and over. People saying “if only I had a girlfriend/boyfriend everything would be fine.” No. Everything would seem fine in the beginning, but in reality, you just moved into codependency. You depend on someone else to solve your problems and issues, and you don’t exactly have to be Albert Einstein to see that this is unhealthy behavior.
Get your life together. Focus on yourself. Become independent and happy by being you. Then, and only then, are you ready to enter a committed, functioning, healthy, and interdependent relationship with another, like-minded human being.
The primary source of happiness and fulfillment in your life should always be you. A relationship is the icing on the cake.
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Relationships can be complicated, but they don’t have to. You just have to understand a few basic, yet unconventional principles.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love and is republished here with permission from the author.
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Photo credit: Pixabay