How To Love Your Introvert

Although I take great joy in loudly writing strange and amazing tales of love, marriage and the misadventures of everyday life, I would brand myself as an introvert. I’ve mentioned before that I’m better on the page, and if you ever meet me in real life, this fact will become evidently clear. Which is actually sort of sad because I’m not even really that good on the page.

Most of the time, you can find me hiding in my office and only venturing out into society when I’ve run out of embarrassing stories, in hopes that my perpetual social anxieties will create some more writing material for the weeks to come.

The real truth of the matter is that without the binge drinking and chronic pot-smoking of my youth, I find it more and more difficult to be a functioning member of society as I get older. Although I’m pretty good at keeping up with current events and have some solid opinions on today’s politics and social equality movements which I like to yell loudly at people, I usually feel mentally drained after being in a crowd. A crowd being anyone other than the humans I’m used to seeing daily.

This isn’t to say that I purposefully hide away. I don’t look at reclusiveness as some holy grail of living, but for me to attend a community gathering or, say, answer the phone when a number I don’t know is calling, I have to prepare myself mentally. Because as previously mentioned, for most introverts, being social is tiring.

We love our friends and family. We actually do enjoy meeting new people and engaging in the outside world — if that engagement is completely on our terms and we have a solid exit strategy in place if things get a little hinky.

My daughter is an introvert too. She is an artsy-fartsy lady and loves to hold up in her bedroom, watching YouTube videos and drawing. She creates these in-depth comics and loves to write storylines and create characters.

On the other hand, my son is like his dad, who seems to gain energy from being around people. They are social butterflies, and when they do not have the opportunity to engage in social situations — like being in lockdown for weeks on end — it clearly affects their mental health.

Sometimes I notice that it is difficult for extroverted people to deal with their introverted counterparts. They know that getting out and being social helps them feel more connected to humanity, therefore it should make everyone feel like that. Which I must admit, is solid reasoning.

Of course, most of the time, I usually do have a nice time when I’m forced to go out. Except when I drink too many gin and tonics and start crying at the bar like I’m a damn 18-year-old. That’s never good.

However, I sometimes wish that people could understand that I often would like a quiet evening in, talking about in-depth issues rather than small talk with strangers. These special moments with the people I love and respect energize me and make me excited to be alive.

Yes, the rush of skinny dipping with my husband on a hot summer night after the bar is fun, but I’d wager to say that eating sushi on our couch while discussing the politics of the recent US election would give me just as much of that warm and fuzzy feeling.

This year, my daughter opted to forego her birthday party. At first, I was a little devastated. All I could keep thinking was, but it’s your 10th birthday, you have to have a party, it’s basically law! But then I started thinking of it logically, and with COVID cases on the rise again here in Canada, I realized that her decision might be a blessing in disguise.

I asked her if she had made this decision because of the virus, and she said partly. However, the bigger truth was that birthday parties always sort of exhaust her.

Thinking back on her previous birthdays, I can see it all so much clearer now. She never was that excited for them. She loved the opening her presents part (what kid doesn’t), but the rest of it was never something that pumped her up. The expectation of having to “host” her schoolmates. The schoolyard drama of who to invite to the party. It was all a little too much for her.

She told me she’d prefer it if we as a family got dressed up nice and went out for a fancy dinner together. She wants something low key. She used the term low key!

I hope that she doesn’t opt for this every year because some of my best memories were the big slumber parties my mom would throw me for my pre-teen birthdays. But one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned about caring for an introverted person is that we don’t all gain joy from the same things.

It is her birthday, and she should celebrate how she feels the safest and best.

Of course, when it comes to our children, pushing them to venture out of their comfort zones is always a good thing because that is how we grow as individuals. But I figure as far as her birthday goes, I think the best present I can give her is to let her celebrate in a way that she feels happiest.

I don’t really believe that, as humans, we are either introverted or extroverted. I just can’t believe it is that black and white. Every social situation will call for a different approach, just like each person will deal with that approach in their own specific way.

However, I do know that the older I get, the more I value my quiet time. I am fine (I use this term loosely) in crowds, but I need time to rest and recharge after many social interactions. Keeping this in mind is the best way to show love and respect to the introverts in your life.

—

Previously published on medium

***