How To Make Them Call and Text You Every Day [Video]

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but if we just start by mirroring and we
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never do anything else then it’s not
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self-respecting it’s a way to hide it’s
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a way to be defensive in the book
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attached it’s what would be called
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protest behavior
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what do i do when there’s a long break
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between texts but he’s great on our
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dates we’ve been on three dates and we
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don’t chit chat during
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three dates so not long
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firstly we expect a lot of closure very
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quickly
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in life
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and early dating doesn’t offer a lot of
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closure
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you know it doesn’t offer a lot of
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closure on how someone is or
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what their intentions are or why they
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didn’t call back or why they haven’t
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called us in two weeks but now all of a
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sudden want to see us
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early dating is very open-ended and to
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an extent
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we sometimes underestimate our influence
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in the equation
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so we’re so busy looking for closure
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from somebody else what do they want
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what are their intentions what are their
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patterns do they like me
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why aren’t they texting me that we
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forget that we actually play a role
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ourselves in shaping
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the dynamic
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early on uh mitch album said if you
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don’t like
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the culture you have to be brave enough
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to create your own he was not referring
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to dating but you know
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that that idea relates to so many
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different things we often go into
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situations
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complaining about the culture of the
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situation you know we go to a party and
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we complain oh it’s not a very fun party
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well are you making it fun
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or are you just complaining that the
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party’s not fun
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we go on a date and we say that person
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wasn’t flirtatious and well were you
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flirtatious
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this person’s communication is terrible
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well is yours
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strong right now are you being proactive
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are you being vulnerable
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and
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and so we’re kind of a lot of us just go
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through life reacting to culture
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and complaining about culture
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instead of being brave enough to create
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our own
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culture
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and
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one of the really powerful psychological
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effects when we decide to create culture
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is the
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phenomenon of reciprocity reciprocity is
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this idea that if we act first
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that will create a reciprocal
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response from somebody else somebody
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else is influenced
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by that action if i walk down the street
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and
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i look at you and you have a kind of
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grumpy face i then decide as a result of
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that that i’m not gonna smile and then i
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walk past you and i go what a grumpy
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person that was
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there’s a kind of reverse reciprocity
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going on there right that your your mood
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right now
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at least the way i’m reading it may not
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even be true but the way i’m reading it
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is that you’re grumpy or you’re
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standoffish and therefore i don’t smile
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at you when we walk past each other so
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you’ve had an effect on me there’s a
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reciprocity going on there you haven’t
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i’m afraid you’re not giving me anything
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so i’m not going to give you
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anything
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but what we don’t know is what might
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have happened had you smiled
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that might have created a different kind
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of reciprocity where that person
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suddenly felt
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like they could smile because they
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weren’t going to get rejected or
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you were in a good mood and it lifted
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their mood
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i almost look at a situation like this
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and say
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well what would it look like if we were
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reverse engineering the kind of dynamic
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we want to have in early dating she is
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saying that the dates are going great
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but there’s not much contact in the
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middle
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and part of what she is looking for
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there is some kind of closure well what
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does that mean
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does that mean he doesn’t like me does
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it it could mean for example we could
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speculate that what it means is that
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this guy is not really dating with any
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intention and we might be right
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it might be the case that he’s not
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interested in actually getting to know
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her or building momentum which is what
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someone builds
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or looks to build when they have true
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intentions
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they want to build momentum they don’t
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want to leave you in any doubt as to
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whether they like you
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they want to
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start to ratchet up the investment
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and to fill that from you in return so
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we could it would be fair to kind of
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make a guess that he’s not dating with
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the same intention
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that she is and that’s why when he kind
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of wants some instant gratification he
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goes on a date with her and he very much
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enjoys being there he clearly enjoys her
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company if he’s on three dates with her
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or he’s enjoying something about it but
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he doesn’t have any intention he’s not
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doing it with any purpose other than
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immediate gratification and that’s why
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she doesn’t hear from him in between
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because he’s not actually looking to
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spend any time investing or getting to
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know her
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that might be true it also might be true
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that it’s early in dating and
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within that three date window he’s just
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kind of got a lot on and a lot of other
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priorities and it’s not the top of his
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list because she’s not the top of his
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list right now and that’s also kind of
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understandable in the context of early
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dating the point is
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we don’t know
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and we can spend all our time trying to
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work that out
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in a in a way what that is is responding
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to culture
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right the culture of this
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situation right now with this guy is
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that they go on dates have a good time
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and then she doesn’t hear from him
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in between that’s the culture so rather
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than looking at why is the culture like
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this which is a can be a pointless
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exercise with no clear answers
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what we can do is apply that
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that
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phenomenon of reciprocity or make it
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work in our favor by saying okay what
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would this look like if i was creating
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the culture hey guys before we go any
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further is there a challenge in your
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love life right now that you don’t know
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how to solve well on the website we have
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a brand new feature where you can put in
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your name
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and then tell it your love life
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challenge that you’re experiencing and
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it will recommend you the solution of
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mine that best fits your needs go to
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howtogettheguide.com and you’ll see it
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there when you get to the home page just
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put in your name and get started
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in other words
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rather than simply
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mirroring his behavior
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what if i modeled the behavior i want to
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see
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and this is where i want to kind of
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clear something up because people have
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heard us if they’ve been longtime
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listener of the podcast or what viewer
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of our videos they’ve heard me or you
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say some version of don’t invest in
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someone based on how much you like them
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invest in them based on how much they
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invest in you
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yeah now that looks
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on the surface like a bit of a reactive
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approach
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yeah that looks like waiting to see what
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the culture is and then responding to
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that so i just sit back and watch what
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vibrations come out and i just decide to
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match them exactly now that that’s
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mirroring and to use nlp language
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and
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that has its place
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right that says don’t invest more than
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they are
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the only problem with that is that if
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everyone takes that approach and
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everyone is the two people in a dynamic
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in dating
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then no one makes a move
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because we’re all just waiting for the
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other person to make that first move and
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then we go okay they did something i’ll
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now do the same amount
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at some point someone has to be brave
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enough to step out of
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mirroring
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and
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model the behavior
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they want to see in the other person so
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there’s mirroring and there’s modeling
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the modeling is the proactive part the
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mirroring is the reactive part
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when
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someone comes to us and says in between
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dates he doesn’t reach out
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and i’m following your advice to invest
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in who invests in me and to invest as
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much as they do
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well right now based on what he’s doing
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i’m not doing anything
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now that has the danger that we’ve just
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spoken about which is that not only does
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it not go anywhere but you also don’t
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see whether you can get that reciprocal
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effect
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that can be achieved if you model the
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kind of communication you would like to
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see
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so what we then say is okay maybe model
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be a little proactive right now by
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modeling what you’d like to
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receive that means
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in a vulnerable and proactive way
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without agenda
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reaching out to this person
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it could be in the form of hey how’s
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your day i was just thinking of you it
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could be referencing a joke
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that you both had on the last date
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it could be
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just letting someone know that you were
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thinking of them or that you’d like to
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see them again
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but
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you are there modeling
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the behavior you want to see and you
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might even do that a couple of times
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it might be that you model the behavior
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you want to receive by picking up the
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phone and calling someone thereby
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showing them that you are comfortable on
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the phone
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and that a phone call isn’t a strange
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thing to you
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that it’s actually perfectly normal for
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you to have a phone call and therefore
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they should not feel embarrassed or or
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uh
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ashamed to call or they shouldn’t feel
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kind of like they’re treading on
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eggshells around you they should feel
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free to pick up the phone that’s
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modeling
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mirroring
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can turn from self-respecting behavior
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if we’re not careful
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into
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a
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form of defensiveness
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or protectionism you didn’t text me well
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i’m not going to text you then
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it can it can be that kind of reactivity
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so
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mirroring can be strong if it’s like
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hang on i’m respecting myself you’re not
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giving me a lot so i’m not going to give
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you a lot which should be the case if we
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model first
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what we want to see and we find that
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consistently they do not meet us there
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at that point mirror ring makes an awful
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lot of sense in order to be
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self-respecting but if we just start by
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mirroring and we never do anything else
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then it’s not self-respecting it’s a way
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to hide it’s a way to be defensive in
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the book attached it’s what would be
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called
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protest behavior
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right
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i’m in some form or another i’m acting
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out
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or hiding
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as a way of protesting the behavior in
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you that i don’t like that is now that
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is following
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it’s not leading
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leading comes when we model the behavior
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we want to see
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mirroring is appropriate
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when after having modeled the behavior
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we would like to see
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they
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show that they are either incapable or
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unwilling of meeting us there and from
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the nature of this question
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i see someone who’s doing a lot of
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mirroring
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but who hasn’t been vulnerable enough
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yet or brave enough yet to do a whole
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lot of modelling what you’ve just said
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there
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is really really interesting to me um
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and i think essentially what you’re
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saying is you need to turn it on its
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head and you need to see reaching out as
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not an act of desperation but rather
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you
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being willing to ask for what you want
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and what you’re doing essentially is
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modeling i think requires a lot of
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confidence and willingness to be
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vulnerable and putting yourself out
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there what what would you say
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in terms of because that’s a very
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counter-intuitive thing to do especially
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i think for women where we’re told that
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you know
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men will come to us and
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you know we should not ever come across
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as desperate we shouldn’t be the ones
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reaching out we shouldn’t be the ones
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initiating
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so i totally agree with you but
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you know
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for the person who
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is feeling like
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well that’s all well and good but you
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know i know that if i say that i’m gonna
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come across as desperate or it might put
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him off how would you kind of combat
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that way of thinking you’re over
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modeling
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if it gets to that point
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it there’s a there’s a spectrum right of
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pride
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to proactivity imagine pride on one side
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of the spectrum and proactivity on the
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other
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too much pride
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and you’ll never do anything you’ll
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never reach out to anyone on a dating
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app you’ll never ask anyone out you’ll
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never pick up the phone to someone
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you’ll never be the one to text first
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pride will have you living in your cave
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with no opportunities
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the extreme of proactivity
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is that you’re always doing the chasing
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the sweet spot is having
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enough proactivity to open the door
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to possibility in your love life but
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enough pride
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to notice
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when
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someone is not meeting you there and i
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don’t think that has to be a lot in the
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context of for example
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the first three dates that does not mean
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you’re reaching out every day for three
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weeks and if after three weeks
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you realize there’s a pattern
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of him not trying you stop
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it looks to me like once or twice in the
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first couple of weeks you be the first
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one to reach out
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or give him a call and see where that
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goes i guess i meant
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i agree with you but i guess i meant in
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terms of
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you know we we all know that
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the way you come across
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through messages has in large parts to
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do with how you feel inside yourself
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within that situation
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and i think if you have the back at the
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back of your head if you’re coming at it
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from the point of view of
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well
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i sh i’m i’m worried that by reaching
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out and being the one being proactive
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even if it is in an appropriate way in
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an appropriate to an appropriate level
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i’m going to come across like i’m
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desperate
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i think if you have that energy and that
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kind of
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feeling within yourself when you’re
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doing it you run the risk of
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just kind of scrambling your head in
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anxiety and not knowing how to be and
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not necessarily them being yourself and
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your messaging i just i just wonder
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whether there is a way of i suppose for
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someone to step into that power
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especially
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like i say as a woman how do you kind of
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take control of the situation in a way
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that feels organic to you and doesn’t
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make you feel like you’re somehow on the
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back foot by doing so because you know
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we hear a lot men like to chase i mean
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that is something that you hear even now
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in in in the modern dating world i think
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you hear a lot of that and i would argue
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people like to chase but i do think that
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there is a
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rhetoric that’s spoken quite a lot about
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that and it then becomes quite difficult
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for women to manage that that to me is
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100
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a obviously there are
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in terms of language and tone
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there are
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good ways to reach out to someone and
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there are bad ways to reach out
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to someone
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sending someone a message saying hey i
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was thinking of you how’s your day is a
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lot different than sending that and then
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sending a question mark 20 minutes later
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if you don’t hear from someone we know
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there’s a d we know one makes us cringe
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to even think about
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and the other one feels just like a
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vulnerable act yeah once feels
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vulnerable one feels needy so there are
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clearly good ways and bad ways to
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to reach out to someone and model
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um
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the
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other part of it the part that you seem
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to be talking about which is just the
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feeling
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that
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i am in some way
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being desperate by reaching out
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that lacks
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long-term perspective
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so
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for example
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we have
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a
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retreat program
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i want people to come and experience the
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retreat
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we talk about the retreat
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it’s a in a sense it’s a vulnerable act
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because i’m
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i’m coming out and saying i want you to
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come
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to this program yeah
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in a sense i’m asking i’m saying hey
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i’m asking for your trust
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to come and join us on something that i
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know would be awesome if you would come
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and join us
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but
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i also reserve the right especially on
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the in-person retreat
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if someone is
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being a nuisance
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if someone is being a essentially a bad
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participant in the program
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i reserve the right to
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fire someone from the program
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i reserve the right to say to someone
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hey i’ve welcomed you into my house
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essentially
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you are
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bringing a really toxic energy
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to this room
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and it’s beneath the standard that i
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expect of people who show up
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so i
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i reserve the right to
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remove you from my program
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that’s a standard
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that’s me saying i’ve invited you into
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my home you’ve not been the kind of
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guest that i would have hoped
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and therefore you’re no longer welcome
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in my home
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standards and an awareness that we have
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standards
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should dissolve that feeling of
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desperation
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yeah and the confident people the
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confident people i know it’s like if
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they get
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turned down for they make trying to make
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plans for saturday night and they get
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turned down
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they have such a feeling of
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relaxed
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abundance they’re chill about it or
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whatever they’ve got standards and if
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you were messing them about they’d be
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like i already made plans sorry like i
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didn’t hear back from you i made plans
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there’s kind of because they have that
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confidence they’re not sending the three
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question marks and waiting because they
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just know
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i’ve got a game plan
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if that person’s gonna just stand there
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and drag their heels and mess around
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okay i’ve got a game plan here’s what
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i’m gonna do instead
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when you’re feeling confident about the
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fact that on a longer perspective
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you have
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high standards
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and what you’re really
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doing is assessing whether someone can
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deliver
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then you just kind of have an internal
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attitude of
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it’s on you
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if you mistake my vulnerability for
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desperation
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and you’ll quickly learn
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that you’ve miscalibrated here
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if you mistake my vulnerability or my
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pro my initial proactiveness for
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desperation
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yeah and of course when you reach out
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and model the behavior you want to see
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from them by sending them a text or
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giving them a call
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you’re going to feel afraid if your
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confidence is based on whether they like
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you or whether they’re going to think
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you’re desperate
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if your confidence is based on your
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intentions and my intention
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is to a
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be
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the kind of behavior that i’d like to
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see and
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b
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to see if you can deliver because
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ultimately what do i want i want a
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relationship with someone that can
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deliver
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i want a relationship with someone who
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actually can
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communicate
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so if i call you
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and you’re incapable of having a phone
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call
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you’re telling me in one form or another
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that
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you are unable to deliver and that then
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makes you less suitable for me as a
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partner that makes you less interesting
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to me as a potential partner
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your stock just went down if my
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confidence is based on whether you like
20:44
me
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i have a problem because on any given
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day anyone you meet could like or not
20:49
like you
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if it’s based on an intention to see if
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you’re suitable for me and you can
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deliver
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then i’m not going to be afraid to make
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that call because the call itself is a
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qualifier i’d like to add to that
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one slight thing which is also if you
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can
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come
21:08
to a person and just be the best version
21:10
of yourself your most
21:12
the version of yourself you’re most
21:13
proud of
21:15
um and that means not
21:17
you know giving in to anxieties and
21:20
texting too much that does mean that as
21:21
well but it also means being open being
21:23
vulnerable being able to put yourself
21:25
out there and if somebody ultimately
21:27
does not respond to that in a way that
21:29
you want to
21:30
i do actually think that there is
21:33
you can walk away from that situation
21:34
knowing you couldn’t have done any
21:36
better yeah and i think there’s
21:38
something quite
21:39
sort of comforting in that and kind of
21:41
cathartic in that and i think sometimes
21:44
people say
21:45
you know it’s so much harder to be
21:47
rejected when you’ve been your true self
21:50
and then you get rejected i actually
21:51
think that needs to be
21:53
we almost need to look at it in a
21:54
different way which is
21:56
if your truest best version of yourself
21:59
is not
22:00
right for someone then they’re not right
22:02
for you because that’s literally the
22:04
version of yourself you’re most proud of
22:06
which is a logic that should carry into
22:09
relationships too there’s sometimes this
22:11
real feeling of resentment of i gave so
22:15
much and i did my best and they threw it
22:18
all in my face
22:19
and i think that you have to look at
22:21
that as no no what’s beautiful about
22:24
that is i saw how great i can be
22:27
in a relationship that should give me
22:29
confidence i showed just how wonderful i
22:32
can be as a partner now that person
22:35
turned out to be the wrong person
22:37
for that
22:39
but i saw how great i can be and
22:42
by the way
22:43
if i modeled
22:45
the best the kind of love i wanted to
22:48
get
22:49
and that person couldn’t meet me there
22:51
that’s actually
22:52
the most
22:54
peace of mind i can get absolutely if i
22:56
just mirrored their shitty behavior in
22:58
the relationship
23:01
well that didn’t tell me
23:02
an awful lot
23:04
thanks for watching before you go we
23:06
have a brand new free guide out at leave
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limbo.com which is for anybody who wants
23:13
to know where their relationship with
23:15
someone is going but hasn’t found the
23:17
words to have that conversation if
23:19
you’re seeing someone and you want to
23:21
know where it’s going this gives you
23:22
three simple steps to having that
23:24
conversation go to leave limbo.com to
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download it for free now
23:33
[Music]
23:48
you

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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