How To Reparent Yourself

The relationship we have with our parents is the most important because it sets the foundation for how we view ourselves in relation to ourselves and others.

No parent is perfect. Our guardians have unresolved trauma and issues due to their parents (your grandparents). Even if your parents were emotionally healthy, it was impossible for them to meet all of your needs.

The effects of inefficient parenting and unmet needs in childhood:

• Low self-esteem and confidence
• Self-hate
• Self-judgment
• Imposter syndrome
• Unhealthy relationships
• Codependency
• Anxiety
• Social anxiety
• Shy and timid
• Depression
• Anger and irritability
• Feeling on edge or high-alert
• Overthinking
• Feeling “stuck” or like a “non-person”
• Addiction
• Inability to focus

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How to Reparent Yourself

You can’t depend on your parents to heal you or satisfy the needs they didn’t during childhood.

This fact is a blessing, not a curse because you have the power and control your destiny, your future.

There will be moments when we’ll demand or ask from another (romantic partner, for example), to help meet a need. But more times than not, we can satisfy our desires independently.

But we can’t fulfill what we deny, shame, ignore, or suppress. So the first step in reparenting is awareness.

We have to become conscious of our authentic wants and needs to satisfy them.

Awareness seems simple, and it might be for some depending on your upbringing, but for others, it’s challenging to acknowledge emotions that we’ve been told are “bad” or feel shame around.

“Stop crying! Crying is for girls,” yells the dad at his son after he’s fallen.

“Stop being selfish. Can’t you see I’m tired from working as hard as I can to support you,” says the single mother to her daughter who wants her favorite meal, to go to the park to play, or asks for the newest iPhone her friends got for Christmas.

The boy — excited and proud — runs into his dad’s home office to tell him about his performance at his basketball game. The boy is acknowledged with a raised pointed index finger and “not now” as the dad refuses to lift his towards his son.

My mom was very loving, caring, and attentive at times. But her deteriorating mental and physical health made her distracted, clouded, and unresponsive. She also prioritized the men she was dating because she had a hard-working, disapproving father.

I spent my high school years and early 20s feeling inadequate, timid, and anxious. I overcompensated for my subjective faults and was often disrespected and taken advantage of.

I was the quiet nice guy that’d smile at everyone’s jokes even the ones directed at me. And they were often directed at me because I didn’t want to stand up for myself for I feared rejection.

I walked on eggshells around girls because I believed one wrong word, comment, or action would result in disapproval or worse, being ignored.

I began a self-improvement journey to become perfect to gain approval.

I’d start and quit pursuits and passions because I felt like a fraud and feared I was going to be “found out.” I’d also quit because I’d research and obsess over details to avoid making a mistake and feeling shame.

It’s difficult to let surface emotions that are dipped and covered in memories of pain.

Trauma or unprocessed emotions get stored in the mind and body. When we anticipate one of these emotions being triggered, we run, avoid, distract, make excuses, or suppress as a coping mechanism.

I avoided social interaction and dating for years because I didn’t want to get rejected and feel shame.

I’d quit before getting started because I didn’t want to make a public mistake and feel shame.

We fear feeling shame more than fear itself. So we have to soothe resistance (fear) to let shame rise to consciousness. To do this we have to practice self-compassion.

Self-compassion is the act of being kind to yourself. It’s treating yourself the same way you’d treat your best friend after a breakup or your dog yelping in pain.

It’s unconditional acceptance.

It’s comforting.

It’s opting to focus on the positive characteristics rather than the negative.

It’s choosing kindness as a virtue, a value, and practice.

The most important element in self-compassion is your internal dialogue.

The internal dialogue you process currently isn’t yours. It’s that of your parents (or guardian).

And this internal dialogue is false for we come into this world whole, pure, and unbroken. Our relationships, society, and other external factors throw dirt on our souls.

Self-compassion is the removal of mud stains on your soul.

Communication is the most important component of a healthy relationship. And the most important relationship is the one you have with yourself. How you talk to yourself dictates your relationship with yourself.

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How to Deal With Resistance

To practice self-compassion, you have to become aware of how you’re feeling.

So, every second of every day is an opportunity to reparent, satisfy needs, and heal.

Most of us live on autopilot. Our minds and bodies become addicted to each other. And change is challenging because our biology rather conserve energy for fight or flight scenarios.

So we’ve become accustomed to anxiety, fear, and clouded cognition like the fan that’s always on in your room or the hum of a refrigerator.

Ask yourself (frequently), “how am I feeling?”, and “where am I feeling this in my body?” for the mind and body are connected.

When I feel anxious, my eyebrows and jaw tense, my mannerisms become hurried, and my heart feels like it’s crawling up my spine towards my mouth.

When we relax the body, we relax the mind.

Once you’ve identified how you’re feeling and located the feeling(s) in the body, use a compassionate dialogue to soothe your suffering.

“It’s OK. Breathe. Relax. Everything’s going to OK.”

This mantra feels authentic and appears organically for me. But use whatever works for you.

Again, fear is the peel to the orange of shame. It’s only until we remove this outer layer, can we go deeper and become real about how we feel and our needs.

It’s important to unconditionally accept our fear and anxiety. As soon as we label it as “bad” or “negative” it gets suppressed and categorized as such.

All of your feelings are normal. And they’re yours. Your thoughts and feelings may be different or the same as others. But again, what’s essential is non-judgment.

When we let go of resistance, we allow our inner reality to flow like a dam after a barrier has been removed.

As we become comfortable with our inner selves, we’re more willing to acknowledge and satisfy our needs because compassion, respect, and joy have replaced shame.

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Do it for Them

Reparenting is a practice. So it’s acceptable to make mistakes — to let old patterns control you for a practice has no deadline or duration.

Perhaps the journey becomes too difficult or painful, or you don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Or you’re not at the age to prioritize healing.

Understandable. I’ve been there many times. But I suggest a paradigm shift:

Reparent and heal for your future self — your child that has yet to be conceived. Or as an act of leadership and faith for the loved ones that are in pain and surround you.

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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