Before we start, I like to give notice to anyone who is a new reader. I do not write articles for people who are not actively working on transitioning to a secure attachment style.
Your partner is going through a transformation journey that takes months and sometimes years to finish.
For those of you who are not first-time readers, you know I do not give free passes, and I put people into a position to challenge themselves or their partners so this transition can happen as a unit.
It has to have positive input to get the turnaround that you want.
Dismissive avoidants are unique because they prioritize and value isolation as a mechanism to recharge, process emotions, find peace, and think.
It feels personal to the partner of the avoidant as it feels like a desire to distance themselves from them.
While the dismissive-avoidant needs to learn that this isolation is an unhealthy “safe space,” it is relevant for their partner to understand the root cause.
Your partner’s core issue is trust in their ability to be vulnerable and work through those actions in isolation with their partner.
All hope is not lost. There is a way to accelerate the transition, and I have some tips on how you can accomplish that.
Remember, we are working together. It isn’t a battle between you and your partner, although I know it can feel like it.
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The big push
Your initial instinct when your partner returns from isolation time is to try to have a sit-down talk about the swing of emotions you went through during the break.
Although your feelings are valid, your approach won’t work and will cause your partner to distance themselves.
The dismissive-avoidant mind does not work like yours. When approached with the weight of emotions and feelings, it will cause them to shut down again.
When they feel pulled to do something, the dismissive-avoidant will push away.
How do we create a system where the avoidant does not feel pulled and forced into a conversation?
When your avoidant partner returns, the conversation can not be number one on the agenda.
Hold on, I am still thinking about you too.
The avoidant has to learn that they can trust you and that you are a reliable source for any emotions they are ready to share.
How can I build trust as an avoidant?
The conversation has to be about a system for the couple to have an open space to share and communicate. It cannot be about how one person is solely responsible.
You have to be patient, but most importantly, be curious when your partner expresses and not pushy.
Why do you always need so much time alone when you’re unhappy = pushy.
Does extra time give you clarity? I notice you have more energy, and we communicate well after = curiosity.
Me, myself and I
Isolation feels like your partner is selfish and is not thinking about you.
While it’s true that it is not the best route, the dismissive-avoidant steers toward isolation because it is a safe space and a back-end attempt to show up as their best selves.
Attack this head-on, but remember, you cannot be pushy.
When your partner enters isolation mode, you can not come off as being accusatory, but they need to know how it affects the relationship and leaves you feeling isolated.
You probably notice a trend here. It is the “us, we, and our” route. The route expresses the idea that you are a unit, but the unit can not move as two single pieces.
Your partner has to hear that the bond weakens when both partners aren’t present.
Your partner needs to hear the problems and solutions of the unit.
When you present problems, it has to convey that the unit is struggling and falling apart and that a solution would take the work of both partners.
As soon as your avoidant partner feels attacked, they will lose trust and take longer to recover if there is another need for space.
The line in the sand
Ok, don’t take the header of this last topic too seriously, but you have to set a boundary and set of guidelines moving forward.
We know the outcome you’re looking for, but you have to guide your partner into the idea.
Once your partner understands the concept, you have a conversation to return to so your partner understands the agreement.
Your partner has to feel like you are meeting in the middle as you progress toward your ultimate goal.
Do you want to talk immediately while your partner might need space to think? Establish a minimum and maximum amount of time your partner is allowed.
Space cannot be undefined.
Do you want to sit down for a conversation on your partner’s return, but they want time to collect thoughts?
Give your partner the talking points so they don’t feel overwhelmed and unprepared for a conversation.
Again, there is another trend here.
We have to meet in the middle and let your partner know this is not all about them and that you won’t push them.
As time moves, they will build trust, and when they understand the process, they will take less time to respond positively.
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I know we want the change to come overnight, but if you want to see the change you’re looking for it will take time.
Be patient, remain the caring partner you are, and trust that your partner can change.
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Do you have a question or an issue you want to work through? Reach out to me on Instagram for a coaching session (75$/hr). Here or at [email protected]
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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