When a man cancels on you, it feels like a direct hit on your ego.
Imagine you cleared your schedule, shaved, prepared your makeup, and chose the perfect outfit. Then, five minutes before the date, you receive a text: “Sorry, can’t make it today.”
That’s enough to drive anyone crazy.
Not to mention your expectations. Yes, you should always keep your expectations low (nobody owes you anything). But how can you not create expectations when you go out with a guy you like?
Being stood up makes you feel like garbage.
But it doesn’t have to be the end of the world. It got me thinking: What can we do to have the best outcome possible? How can you still keep your high self-esteem after a man treats you so poorly?
Here’s what you can do when a man cancels on you:
What are his intentions?
When he stands you up, your first reaction is to tell him to f*ck off. Even if the relationship was doing well, you feel offended (if not personally attacked). That’s when you need to be careful.
What if he was the love of your life?
You don’t want to risk losing your true love because of your ego. So here’s what you do: You take a step back and analyze his behavior. It sounds complicated, but I’ll make it simple.
You know he wasn’t nice to you (even if he has a legitimate reason, it’s not nice to cancel on you). So it comes down to: How does he act normally?
Every behavior fits into one of two categories:
- Pattern. This behavior reinforces what he already does. You’re not even surprised it happens. When he constantly cancels on you, forgets important dates, and never takes the initiative, that’s a pattern.
- Outlier. This behavior doesn’t match his normal behavior. You feel almost unsettled like it’s not right. When he treats you well, buys you presents, and puts effort into this relationship, canceling once is an outlier.
You’ll quickly notice if canceling on you is a pattern or an outlier. From that moment on, your decision is clear. If it’s a pattern, you (hopefully) leave him. If it’s an outlier, maybe he deserves another chance.
This way, you prevent acting too harshly for a mistake. It gives you the balance between having high standards and forgiveness.
The curse of positive thinking.
When someone cancels on you, you feel like cr*p. So your friends will try to cheer you up and say, “don’t think about him. See the bright side and have positive thoughts!”
Except that doesn’t work.
Positive thinking became almost a cult on the internet. You’re not allowed to feel sad anymore; you can fix everything with the power of positivity. They tell you it’s possible to find the positive side to anything if you look hard enough. What matters is how you interpret it.
What they don’t tell you is that some things simply suck.
Yes, you may find a positive side to being stood up. But it’s still not nice. And you’re allowed to feel anger, sadness, frustration, or even humiliation. You can’t control your emotions.
You can’t avoid negative feelings forever (and you shouldn’t want to).
Negative emotions have a purpose. In this case, they tell you what you expect from a relationship and what behaviors you won’t tolerate. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll act on these feelings, but they’re a good indicator of where you can improve your life.
Positive thinking is nice. But a better approach is to allow your emotions to happen and understand them. Some things make you upset, and that’s okay. That makes you human.
But in case you want some positivity…
Positive thinking may not help you in the long term. It doesn’t solve your problems (he still stood you up). But it can make you feel better in the short term.
So if you want to use positive thinking to make sense of your emotions, here’s a positive perspective:
- You dodged a bullet. Actions speak louder than words. When a man stands you up and makes you feel neglected, he makes his intentions clear. How would he treat you when you’re married and have children?
- You don’t waste your time. Although it hurts, it’s best you know now how he truly feels. Imagine you’re five years into a relationship when you realize how he mistreats you. The sooner you leave, the better.
- You get to spend time with yourself. When he cancels on you unexpectedly, you have more time for yourself. When was the last time you treated yourself to a movie night with comfort food?
This line of thinking doesn’t change your emotions: You can still feel mad. But it might comfort you.
What do you want?
I wish I could give you a straightforward answer to the question: “What should I do when he cancels the date?” But the answer depends on what you want. So I’m here to ask you:
What do you want from this relationship?
It may sound obvious, but most people go through their love lives without reflecting on this question. That’s when you get in trouble. When you don’t know what you want, you don’t know what you accept and what you let go of.
Before you involve someone else, decide what you want.
Imagine you only want a one-night stand. In that case, as long as he’s respectful (and hopefully good-looking), you can be more forgiving because your expectations are low.
But if you want a committed relationship, you have to look for different things: How he treats you, what he expects from you, how you can establish a routine together, and even his financial situation.
Here are a few things you have to know to learn what you want:
- Do you want to have children?
- What type of lifestyle do you want?
- What are the qualities you admire the most in a partner?
- What are the things you would never tolerate in a relationship?
- What are you willing to negotiate? And what will you never negotiate?
These questions don’t cover everything, but they’re a great start. When you know what you expect, you can communicate to your partner and look for people who expect similar things.
This clarity will make your love life way easier.
…
Let’s be honest: Being stood up sucks. It kills your self-esteem, destroys your expectations, and maybe even breaks your heart. It’s the ultimate demonstration of disrespect.
But it doesn’t have to mean it’s over.
What your partner does once hardly matters. Everybody makes mistakes, so you have to be willing to forgive sometimes. Analyze if that’s a one-time thing or if he constantly makes you feel unappreciated (even if he does so with other behaviors, like never replying to your texts).
What matters most is to recognize your emotions and know what you expect from a relationship.
It may be challenging to end a relationship when you have strong feelings. But it’s even worse to spend the rest of your life with someone who isn’t right for you. So put your emotions aside to make a rational (and better) decision.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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