Most of us know what it’s like to sit at the dinner table with our families only to hear a knock at the front door. You sigh at the intrusion and get up to go and see who it is. Inevitably, it’s a couple of zealous evangelists of the Mormon or Jehovah’s Witness variety.
Why do they always visit at the most inopportune times?
Heck… why do they visit at all?
At first, I tried to be polite: “Thank you, but I’m not interested.”
However, some of these would-be evangelists take my politeness as an invitation to persist. “It will only take a minute of your time,” they would offer, and inevitably, I would feel bad for entertaining the idea of slamming the door in their face.
But I have learned the hard way that if you actually engage in any kind of meaningful spiritual conversation with these people, you end up on some sort of list on a pinboard in the war room of their church as a “potential convert.” Yes, I’m sure they keep a list of people who are “open” to their message somewhere. If you end up on this list, you end up getting more visits.
They sell God, kind of like a vacuum cleaner salesman might sell vacuum cleaners. And just like the vacuum cleaner salesman, the product they are selling really sucks. Don’t get me wrong, I love God… just not the version of God that punishes people by sending them to Hell and demands a certain level of righteousness in order to be acceptable. I have to meet key performance indicators at work. It’s stressful and exhausting, so the last thing I need is KPIs for my religion. Grace or nothing… that’s what I say.
So, while I admire the gumption and persistence of Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses, with all their door-knocking and the like, I am not interested in being evangelized.
Especially not during dinner or the last play of that nail-biting football game I’m watching. Some things are more important than me listening to your understanding of what is required to save my immortal soul from the bowels of Hell.
I’m sure I am not the only one who feels this way. So, as a service to the community, I have compiled this guide on how to turn away door-to-door evangelists without having to use expletives and slam the door in their faces. We can do it better. We can do it smarter.
Like this….
The creative use of butcher’s knives
When Mormons come a knocking, open the door brandishing two large butcher knives. This will cause some of the would-be evangelists to flee the scene immediately. However, some of the braver ones will hang in there.
“I…I… w… w… w… was wondering if I could talk to you about J… J… Jesus?”
As they are talking, rub the two butcher’s knives together and frown and stare at them coldly.
Pause for effect.
Tap one of the butcher’s knives on the screen door, then point it accusingly toward your Mormon friend and say, “You know… you look a lot like the guy who killed my parents.”
If that doesn’t cause them to run away, then break into a smile and say, in a jovial way, “Ha, I’m just kidding! I killed my own parents. Now, please come inside and tell me about Jesus.”
Use literalism to your advantage
When asked the question, “Have you found Jesus?” respond by saying, “Oh my God! I didn’t realize he was missing! I’ll be sure to let you know if I see him.” As you close the door, yell out to your partner… “Babe! You’ll never guess… it looks like Jesus is missing!”
Use costumes
Have a clothing rack at the door, complete with useful costumes that you can slip into at a moment’s notice. When you look through the peephole and see those Bible-brandishing folk whip open the door dressed like this:
Feel free to combine this costume with the butcher’s knives for added effect. Or, you could try this costume:
This costume works well if you also attempt to cast spells and incantations as you open the door. “Expelliarmus!”
And, if you want to go all out, answer the door like this:
Fortunately, I have the Dad bod ready to go.
Convert them against their will
Have a spray bottle on hand, full of holy water. If you have no holy water, then just boil the hell out of some ordinary tap water, and hey, presto! You have holy water!
When you open the door to Mormons or JWs, start spraying them with your holy water while saying, “I baptize thee into the Holy Roman Catholic Church in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.”
Hey, I don’t really know exactly what you’re supposed to say during Catholic baptisms, but your evangelists definitely won’t stick around if you try to forcibly convert them.
The ex-communication card
When you open the door to some Jehovah’s Witnesses, get all emotional and embrace them both as if they were long-lost relatives.
Say, “I’m so glad you’ve finally come! I didn’t think anyone would come for me after I was ex-communicated for having sex with the head elder.”
Then, wink seductively.
That should do the trick.
Some other ideas
Personally, I think that the above ideas would be enough to get you blacklisted from any church’s visitation list. However, you these still don’t work, feel free to try the following:
- Sit on your front porch in a rocking chair with a shotgun
- Add a rottweiler to your front yard
- Land mines
- Remove all doors from your home. If there are no doors, they can’t knock.
- Always eat dinner out
No need to knock
Yeah, look… I’m not suggesting you actually do any of these things. (Okay, maybe you could try the costumes if that’s your thing). I’m merely having a bit of fun.
I get it.
Mormons and JWs see it as their god-given duty to share their faith with others. I can respect that idea.
But, when it comes to evangelism, there is no need to knock on my door and try to convince me. The most significant evidence you can give me is the evidence of change in your life. A phrase commonly misattributed to St Francis of Assissi is, “Preach the Gospel wherever you go, and if necessary, use words.”
I like that.
If your life has nothing to say, no one will ask any questions about your faith. Actions speak louder than words. That’s why evangelism from strangers is seldom ever effective. It’s usually met with cold indifference or even open hostility, and the reason for that is simple. The stranger has displayed no demonstratable kindness and has zero emotional capital in the life of the person they are talking to. “Who are you to try to tell me how to live my life?” would be a pretty normal reaction, “I don’t even know you.”
When I look at the life of Jesus, I don’t see much at all by way of evangelism. In fact, Jesus seemed to be more about showing people a different way of living and seeing the world rather than trying to convince them to subscribe to a particular set of beliefs.
In this day and age, if people want to find out about a certain set of beliefs, most have the agency to do so. The information is there. Let the people of God be so compelling in the way they live their lives that others turn to Jesus without the need to be evangelized.
I don’t need someone to knock on my door.
Thanks all the same.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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