Dr. Steve shows us that hugging not only feels good, it can improve your overall health and relationship happiness.
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When I read the title of this piece I get all warm and fuzzy inside—just thinking about a hug makes me feel good.
When we were babies we loved to be hugged. OK, there were a couple of you out there that wriggled and squirmed and pushed back when an over-bearing adult just wanted to hug you up.
For most of us, especially as babies and into toddler-hood, physical contact was desired, appreciated, and as science has taught us, needed for proper mental, physical and emotional development.
As we got older, especially boys in North America, hugging became activity specific. It went from hugging anytime and anyplace to hugs when meeting or leaving family, hugs of encouragement (standing side by side), hugs at sports games, and hugs as you lift someone up (male or female).
In a sense, hugs for boys became instrumental. Hugging sent a specific message to a specific person at a specific time for a specific purpose—I think you are good, I approve of your behavior (you deserve a hug), let’s share an exciting moment with exuberance, and the consolation hug (I feel your hurt bro).
Also, how a hug is received is laden with meaning. We are not to relax into the hug lest we appear needy or have our response to the hug misrepresented (homophobia with men and sexual interest with women).
The field agent accepted the hug but felt the need to voice his opinion to not let their boss see this kind of behavior and not do it again.
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We cannot appear to like hugging, we are simply expressing the joy of the moment like winning a ball game or scoring a goal.
Maybe it is time for men to reclaim the hug. We see it happening on street corners when men and women hold up signs offering free hugs. We see it through the media when war veterans console each other. Though, just the other night I was watching an FBI drama and one of the agents (the geeky computer guy) unabashedly hugs the field agent (physically strong man of action) when celebrating that a fellow agent was still alive when they thought she might be dead. The field agent accepted the hug but felt the need to voice his opinion to not let their boss see this kind of behavior and not do it again.
Damn, it’s still not totally accepted for two men to give full frontal hugs at work without comment. The show reminded me of what happened to me and my workout buddy many years ago. We arrived at the gym within seconds of each other and engaged in a big masculine hug while laughing and chatting. Five minutes later we were asked to go to the front office and informed that a patron of the club had complained about our hugging. We thought the owner was kidding—he wasn’t.
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If you are ever questioned, or wondered about the benefits of hugging other than it feels good, here are benefits to consider that have been supported by research (see references at end of article).
1. Boosts your immune system
2. Creates intimacy
3. Important for long-term relationship satisfaction
4. Reduces stress
5. Leads to more sex
6. After sex cuddling improves marital satisfaction
7. Protects from stress-induced illness
8. Reduces blood pressure
9. Reduces cortisol levels (stress hormone) and
10. Improves sleep patterns.
I don’t know about you, but I’m sold. Give me a hug!
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Praxis: Putting all these wonderful benefits into practice
My wife and I discovered this recently. In my readings I came across an article that said it takes 20 seconds of hugging before feel good chemicals are released into your brain and body.
How long do you typically take when hugging? Shorter than you think. The average is 3 seconds. Yup, 3 seconds. Not nearly long enough to get the full benefit.
We had been like most people, rushing our hugs and hugging in a peremptory fashion as we dashed off into our busy lives.
I became aware of how she was holding me. I felt the softness of her hair as I nuzzled into her neck.
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We decided to grab each other by our love handles and time the event.
Twenty seconds when you are counting is a long time. However, something magical happened as I relaxed into the hug. I started to feel where her body was touching mine.
I became aware of how she was holding me. I felt the softness of her hair as I nuzzled into her neck. I realized she had lost weight as I was moving my hands across her back.
After seven or eight seconds we started to press our bodies together, feeling into each other from our knees, our thighs, our hips, our bellies, our chests and up to our faces cheek to cheek. Our hands caressed each other.
And then it happened. I could feel the rush as the chemical bath entered my body. I melted into her even more and felt a warmth spread over my body that made me feel a loving tenderness towards my partner and an openness in my heart.
All this from one hug. Needless to say, we immediately agreed to take, not one, but two 20 second hug breaks every day. We are loving it.
As to the benefits mentioned above, we are definitely feeling more intimate. In the moment stress falls away. Keeping my fingers crossed on the increase in sex. We haven’t been ill since we started conscious hugging (we will monitor the long-term effects) and my wife, who has difficulty sleeping, just had her forth night in a row of good sleep (is that attributable to hugging—I don’t know but we sure as hell aren’t going to stop hugging to test it out).
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There you have it. We like taking the time out to hug for 20 seconds. It feels good physically and emotionally (i.e., calm, contented, and connected). If the research holds up, we will benefit with improved health and a more satisfying relationship. Here’s to hugs!!!
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If you want some hug energy in your life email me for a free consult at steven.lake[at]therelationshipguy.ca
References
Arch Sex Behav. 2015 Aug;44(6):1609-20. doi: 10.1007/s10508-014-0426-8. Epub 2014 Nov 5.
Individual and Partner Correlates of Sexual Satisfaction and Relationship Happiness in Midlife Couples: Dyadic Analysis of the International Survey of Relationships.
Fisher WA, Donahue KL, Long JS, Heiman JR, Rosen RC, Sand MS.
Arch Sex Behav. 2014 Oct;43(7):1391-402. doi: 10.1007/s10508-014-0305-3. Epub 2014 Apr 29.
Post sex affectionate exchanges promote sexual and relationship satisfaction.
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/a-hug-a-day-keeps-the-doctor-away/
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Grewen KM, Anderson BJ, Girdler SS, Light KC. Warm partner contact is related to lower cardiovascular reactivity. Behavioral Med. In press.
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