I Don’t Know How to Tell if He’s Interested or Just Being Friendly!

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I’m in my early thirties and have trouble telling if someone is interested in me. Over the years, it has led to many awkward and embarrassing situations where I either come on too strong because I feel a guy is interested in me (and isn’t), or I am oblivious to any attraction and confused by feelings I didn’t know were there.

I think a mutual acquaintance (he is my age) is interested in me, but I’m not sure, and I found myself in an embarrassing situation once again. He frequents my job during his lunch hour at least once a week. Although I find him attractive, I’ve never treated him more than just a customer as I didn’t think feelings would be reciprocated. I don’t try to talk with him, but I am friendly when he comes in my line to pay. Otherwise, I ignore him when I see him in the store.

But, within the last year, I started feeling he was interested in me. At first, he told me I looked lonely when he came through my line. As many customers say this, I just shrugged it off as if he was being a jerk. But then I noticed every time I’d see him in the store, he would smile at me. I thought he was just being friendly and didn’t acknowledge him, but it kept happening, and I started developing feelings for him.

I tried to test the waters and strike up a conversation by saying hi one time; he did say hi, but I got cold feet and walked away. He disappeared for a while after that, but when I saw him again, the smiling continued. I also noticed he would try to approach me a few times but walk away when I turned toward him. Just recently, he came through my line to pay but then went into the next line when asked by the cashier. However, as he was leaving, he smiled at me. I waved at him while he was leaving. I’m so embarrassed now and I haven’t seen him since. How do I handle this situation? Do you think he’s being friendly, or he is interested? A guy friend when I was younger told me that just because a guy talks to you doesn’t mean he’s interested, but why would he keep doing this if he isn’t interested? We have no other reason to talk to each other as we don’t hang out in the same social circle. He just knows he works with some people I know.

Here’s Your Sign

You know, I get a fair number of people who want to know how to flirt with women who’re working, whether behind the counter at various bars, stores or restaurants or what-have-you. It’s not very often that I get a letter from the women behind said counters wanting to know whether to try flirting with one of the customers.

This is one of those times when it’s a little hard to tell just what the guy is thinking. Your friend is right: just because someone’s being social doesn’t mean that they’re necessarily flirting. This is as true for men as it is for women, even if men are more likely to shoot their shot regardless of circumstance (or even obvious lack of interest). However, guys who’re determined to hit on someone are usually not quite as low key as the person you’re describing.

You don’t mention what sort of store you work in, so it’s hard to gauge whether his frequent visits are attempts to see you or a happy coincidence that he can snag things he needs and say hey at the same time. If this isn’t the sort of place where someone’s likely to just stop in on impulse or because they’re picking up bits and bobs, then those repeated visits might be a hint that he’s going out of his way to see you. And even if it is the kind of place where folks make regular stops, he could be picking your store because a friend of a friend works there and it’s always nice to see a friendly face.

I think there’s a good chance that he’s just trying to be nice, especially if you two have mutual friends. You know each other well enough to nod at when you see each other, and it’d be weird if he didn’t at least acknowledge that he saw you. But I think he’s likely feeling more than a little hesitant to do more than smile and wave seeing as you shot him down the first time and continued to ignore him when he’d greet you. Giving a guy the cold shoulder is going to send a pretty unmistakable “not interested” and there’s only so many times a person will reach out if they’re getting nothing back. Even if that reaching out is a friendly smile and a wave. If he was interested in flirting with you, I think you shut him down hard enough and repeated enough that he’s hesitant to do more than just smile. Even when you walked up to say “hi” and then just turned on your heel and walked off… that’s not exactly saying “I think you’re cute, give me your number.”

Yeah, you were feeling shy and awkward, but taken in combination with the other times you’ve basically ignored him, he would be forgiven for thinking that you’re not that interested. So if you are hoping that maybe there’s more behind that smile than “hey, friend of a friend!”, you’re going to do a pretty significant pivot in the way you’ve been behaving around him. As it is, you’ve been giving customer-service-only vibes and it sounds to me like that this is where he’s landed in terms of how to behave around you.

But that’s admittedly me making a guess. The only person who really knows what’s going on in his head is, frankly, him. So if you want to know what’s going on, you’d have to ask him. Though, quite frankly, the next time he comes in, I think you’d do better to smile and say “hey, haven’t seen you in a bit, how’s it going?” and see how he responds. Start making some polite small talk (as much as you can, when you’re on the clock, anyway) and see where things go. If you give a friendlier, more-interested-in-chatting vibe, I think you’d at least have a better chance of finding out whether he’s being friendly or if he’s interested in a little more.

Good luck.

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Hi Doc,

I’m a non-monogamous lady in my mid-thirties and my life is pretty full. On weekends there are a friends (with and without benefits) and family to visit, social volunteer work to do and hobbies to attend to and weekday nights are pretty much the same. I usually know what I’ll do most days for a couple of weeks in advance. My tight schedule stresses me out often and I love it all the same. I wouldn’t want to make cuts to any of it.

One of my friends with benefits is maybe nearly an actual partner and we’ve been seeing each other for a few years, but we’re not as close as other long-term couples in their thirties to forties usually are. We text each other good night and stuff but we only spend a few days together every other month or two. He’s not someone I’d be interested in taking things further with and I’m generally not interested in a super close relationship. Marriage sounds like the worst idea in the world to me. Still, sometimes I’d like a more partner-y partner. Someone to cuddle or have sex with without fixing a date a few weeks in advance. Someone to take more part in my life and wanting to know about how work was today and do taxes together and maybe come with me when I have a difficult doctor’s appointment.

Sometimes I pick up the apps, but dating takes so much time and energy. I’m not falling in love super-fast and need a few dates to see if things click. You’ve got to invest some energy in getting to know someone and forming a connection. And often enough I don’t have the time or spoons for that, next to everything else. Moreover, I’m not always sure if this even is a romantic need/want. Looking at my above examples, am I just wishing for someone who’d be ‘obliged’ to be there for me when adulting gets hard and I’m having a hard time to ask my friends for support?

Thanks,

Time Management Authority

If I’m being honest, TMA, the way you’ve described things, it doesn’t sound like you want a romantic partner so much as a little more convenience in your life with the partners you do have. But at the same time, it sounds like you’re running into the same issue I’ve seen in folks who want a theoretical partner: they like the idea of a someone fulfilling the traditional “partner” role but don’t know exactly where or how they’d slot them into their lives.

In all those cases, the issue is pretty much the same: wanting someone who will somehow fit into their life effortlessly without having to actually make any changes. But therein lies the problem: everything has an opportunity cost. At the risk of sounding like some grindset hustle bro: we all have the same 24 hours. Everything we want to do with that time is going to come at the expense of something else. Unless you’ve found a way around the linear progression of time and are willing to risk Time-Coping yourself, dating, adding a new partner or otherwise making significant changes is going to require a sacrifice in what you’re already doing.

Now, maybe if you were to take a long, hard look at how you spend your time – not just your schedule, but how you’re actually spending your time – you might find some wiggle room. There might be some areas where you could do a little prodding, tightening, adjusting and find enough unoccupied or time to cobble together an open hour or two. But that time might also be important to you as it is; sometimes that 20 minutes with an extra cup of coffee, idly browsing BlueSky is a necessity rather than “wasted” time. Or it may be time that, if you really examined it, you use to organize your thoughts, or decompress, or just seemingly “wasted” time have a genuine use for it and you need it more than you realized. And of course, sleep is one of the first things we tend to sacrifice when we want to cram more things into our day… but that comes with a cost all of its own, too.

So unless there’s a lot of bits and bobs of free time lurking in your already tight schedule, you’re going to run headlong into two diametrically opposed forces: the desire to find someone who could fill a more traditional “partner” role in your life, and your desire to not change anything in your busy day. At that point, you’re going to have to go from trying to squeeze free time from a stone and instead do some serious soul searching and examining your priorities. Is that desire to have a primary/anchor partner greater than, say, some of your hobbies? Or time with friends? Or your volunteer work?

Or, y’know… maybe part of the problem is you need to free up some time by examining your relationship with some of your other partners. One of the more common issues I’ve seen poly people run into is that they often have a tendency to always add, never subtract. Yeah, one great thing about polyamory is that one person doesn’t need to meet all your needs… but that doesn’t mean that you want to hoard relationships like a dragon hoarding gold. If a relationship isn’t necessarily working for you, sometimes you need to let that relationship go instead of trying to patch the holes with yet another person.

I mean, the guy you mention that you’ve been seeing for years sounds nice enough, but you don’t exactly sound all that thrilled about him or the relationship you have. Is it possible that this relationship has run its course?

The other thing I notice is that you’re exemplifying the same thing you’re complaining about: wanting to see someone without having to book things days or weeks in advance. Leaving aside how much more complicated it is to make plans in your 30s and 40s as responsibilities and obligations pile up… wouldn’t that be true of folks who would like to see you? How often do your partners ask to see you and you have to scroll through your calendar apps to find a free afternoon? If you want to be able to see people on a more convenient schedule, you’re both going to need more flexible schedules, otherwise it’s just going to be the same problem with a different coat of paint.

Now, I do think you’re onto something when you say that you want someone who’s “obliged” to be there; we all want to feel like a priority instead of an option with the people we care for. But I think that some of this may come down to wanting things on your own terms to such a degree that you end up paralyzed because you don’t necessarily want to change things… except when you do.

So maybe the bigger question is: are you actually happy with your super-booked life, or are you just used to it? Is it conceivable that part of the problem is that you are intimidated by the possibility of change? Perhaps taking a little time to do a deep audit of your life and seeing what you’re holding onto out of habit rather than desire or genuine need.

You mention how few spoons you have for dating. Perhaps letting a couple things go for a while to free up the bandwidth would be a good idea, just to see how it feels. Maybe getting some spoons back will give you an idea of areas where your priorities have changed. At that point, you might find some things that aren’t as important as they used to be and could be exchanged for new possibilities.

Or maybe there really isn’t anything you’d give up right now. That’s fine too! But in that case, you definitely should ask for more love and support from your friends. Just because they’re not romantically involved with you doesn’t mean that they can’t fill important roles in your life – even if those roles involve body doubling and quality time together and emotional support when things are rough.

But that’s just me spitballing. This is your life we’re talking about and you’re the premier authority on it, so you tell me. Take some time, look at the schedule and think about what you really want and why. You’ll find an answer that’s right for you.

Good luck.

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This post was previously published on Doctornerdlove.com and is republished on Medium.

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