“The dating pool is trash. I can’t find anyone worth my time.”
Have you ever heard anyone say that before?
What kind of feelings did it evoke?
Wanna hear mine?
“Get over your fucking self”.
That’s typically what I think.
Struggling to find a good person can sometimes feel like you’re hunting for a mythical creature. It’s easy to wonder if you’re playing a game where the odds are stacked against you.
But when people bitch and moan online about how “there’s no one good to date anymore, why is dating so hard.”
I find it to be one of the most annoying and cliched statements. Because they’re not being honest with themselves, and they’re not being honest with you, and it’s a very biased opinion from them for which you most likely have zero context other than the small piece of information. They’ve given you. They’re offering a puzzle with half the pieces missing, expecting you to see the whole picture.
Try asking them these questions –
- What specific qualities or characteristics are you looking for in a partner, and why do you believe these are hard to find in the current dating pool?
- Are there patterns you’ve encountered in your dating life that have led you to feel this way?
- How do you typically meet potential dates, and have you explored different methods or platforms to widen your dating pool?
- Have your expectations for a partner evolved over time, and how might this be influencing your dating experiences?
- How do their perceptions align with or differ from yours?
- How do you approach communication and compatibility early on in dating, and could this be affecting your perception of the dating pool’s quality?
- Reflecting on your past relationships, can you identify any lessons learned that could inform your current dating strategy or mindset?
- Do you often put the majority of blame on your ex-partner?
- Have you ever been in a relationship before?
- Do you think there might be benefits to reevaluating your criteria for potential partners or the way you engage with the dating scene?
- How do you balance your desire for a meaningful connection with the challenges you’ve identified in the dating landscape?
I very much doubt they could even answer 4 of those questions with a clear and direct answer cause these complainers fail to see where the issue is cause it’s hard for them to surgically remove their head from their ass.
Saying there’s absolutely nobody out there for you is like saying you’ve checked under every rock on Earth and found nothing. But, have you really?
Let’s cut through the noise.
There are too many “people” who feel like they’re the perfect catch on paper — career-sorted, fit, kind-hearted, and even good with kids.
And yet, Saturday nights are still a solo show. It’s tough not to think the universe has left you on read. You’ve tried different scenes — from art classes full of people not your age, to hiking groups that didn’t lead anywhere romantic. Even college, which should have been prime dating territory, felt like a bust.
But most of you don’t get it.
Great clothes, career, good shape, and all, that other “check boxed” bullshit isn’t the core of what works or lasts. Those things are great and most definitely needed, but they’re not the core of romance, love, or a long-lasting relationship that will stand the test of time. Careers climb ladders, but it’s shared dreams that build the ladder to the stars.
But here’s a dose of reality — it’s a bit much to think that out of billions of people, there’s not one single match for you. C’mon man? A little dramatic, much? Forests are dense with trees, each different from the next, but they all share the earth beneath them, just as we share the human experience in our search for companionship. Acknowledging this fact alone is a key mind shift.
“To the world, you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.” — Dr. Seuss
It might be time to change the perspective. All those qualities you listed about yourself? They matter. But so does putting yourself out there in new ways, even when it feels uncomfortable, and being honest with yourself; that part of the issue could be your attitude.
“The greatest discovery of all time is that a person can change his future by merely changing his attitude.” — Oprah Winfrey.
If you’re not finding the right demographic in your activities. Maybe it’s time to mix it up, find new hobbies, or even revisit old ones with a fresh outlook. And those Reddit stories about serendipitous meetings? They didn’t happen by magic. They took a bit of bravery — starting a conversation, making a move, and sometimes, just being in the right place at the right time.
The universe will rarely if ever hand you a love story on a silver platter. Like anything worth having, it might take some effort. And yes, facing rejection or the fear of it is part of the deal, whether you like it or not, toughen up butter cup or get used to a life of disappointment you unintentionally set yourself up for.
“It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” — Charles Darwin.
Time to stop blaming other people, cause it doesn’t help. Blaming the “fuck boy”, or the girl who stood you up or how men/women are trash. How does that help you in the long run? How does help you to be better person and get you closer to what you want? Instead of casting blame, cast yourself as the hero in your journey of growth. The truest direction is the one that leads to self-discovery. Ya see, viewing others as flawed is an easy cowardly narrative to spin, but embracing your collective imperfections paves the way for deeper connections. Life’s journey is about moving forward, not walking away.
If you’re feeling down about missed opportunities or fearing it’s too late, remember that your story isn’t over. You just have to change your own narrative a little. It’s not that you’ve missed the boat; you’re just waiting for your submarine to surface.
Your past experiences, even the missed connections, have shaped you. They make you more interesting, more empathetic, and ready for when the right person does come along. But you must choose to learn from the past and look outside yourself for 2 minutes.
So, keep your head up. Keep trying, keep meeting new people, and most importantly, keep believing in yourself. Your relationship status doesn’t define your worth or the quality of your life. be open and present, ready to welcome them in. Fellas speak to men who have healed perspectives of women. Ladies hang out with women who have heald perspectives of men and not this hateful echo chamber. Hold your head high, keep charging ahead, broaden your social horizons, and, paramountly, reinforce your self-assurance. You’re not a reflection of your relationship status; you’re defined by your own brilliance. Interact with those who have overcome bias; it’s through collective respect that love blossoms.
Standards Vs. Preferences
I believe that people often confuse the difference between standards and preferences.
Your preferences are the things like, I would prefer if he’s taller. I’d prefer it if he were making more money, maybe if she had bigger boobs or had a better fashion sense.
But those shouldn’t necessarily be your “standards”. Your standards should be how someone treats you; It should be the emotionally available aspect of a relationship and all the rest of that wholesome stuff that actually keeps relationships alive. Good communication shares similar values and interests things that carry a relationship forward. Those should be what the standards are.
Single women are expected to grow 1.2% annually from 2018 to 2030, compared with 0.8% for the overall US population.
The more some women keep going after the same group of men, the more there’ll be a higher imbalance in the dating market and indeed they “won’t be able to find anyone with their time”, and both parties will be single whether they “choose” to or not.
Remember one of my previous articles; women keep complaining that they won’t date down. So what will this mean for the future of dating?
I think a lot of women will be single, clearly, 45% between the ages of 25 and 44, by the year 2030, which is a lot of people. Now again, let me be clear I know we’re not all the same. I’m not saying that there’s a one size fits all, or that it should be this way or it should be that way.
People are suffering from self-imposed Stockholm syndrome
Stockholm syndrome is a psychological response to being held captive. People with Stockholm syndrome form a psychological connection with their captors and begin sympathizing with them.
Many medical professionals consider the victim’s positive feelings toward their abuser a psychological response — a coping mechanism — that they use to survive the days, weeks, or even years of trauma or abuse.
I believe this is all you “big shots.” Posting on social media and telling anyone who’ll hear you that you’re single by choice and it’s such an amazingly fulfilling life. Yes, a lot of people should have some time away from dating and get themselves right; for a period of time, it’s very fulfilling. But TOO much time is when the self-imposed “stockholm syndrome” starts to eat at your soul. You begin having positive feelings towards your future being single for a very long time as a psychological response — a coping mechanism instead of dealing with what you actually want, instead of being honest with yourself.
Accept the trauma and move on.
Dating and finding someone you’d like to build a future with is a painful and arduous process. There is no way to avoid heartache. You must be at peace with this part of the process. Dating is not for the faint of heart and unmotivated. You must be brave enough to take a deep dive into one’s self.
Blaming the opposite sex is such a weak-ass cop-out.
Invest in your overall well-being whilst dating. There is a world where you can do both. The more we work on ourselves, the more our circumstances and overall lives change. The more we grow and invest in ourselves, the more we will see a transformation, especially in how we better communicate with others.
Humans are designed to do what is necessary to get their needs met. It’s how we survive. So it’s natural for us to concentrate on what we can get from others or from life. But that’s not how we become happy and fulfilled in relationships. Yes, it is true that we must learn a healthy kind of selfishness, the kind that is about making sure we take care of ourselves on all levels, that we nurture, honor, and respect ourselves, and that we learn to have good boundaries so that we can be okay and still able to help and support others too. We are architects of barricades, believing in the security of boundaries, yet it’s in the bridges we dare to build that we truly protect our hearts.
But when it comes to true happiness and lifelong love, the best way to get the love you want is to give it wherever possible. Be loving in all things and to all people. Seek to give before you ask what you’re receiving. A heart open to give is a heart open to receive; love flows in both directions.
Conclusion
One of my best friends is a doctor, and he said something rather chilling to me.
“Can’t remember how many patients come to the hospital alone, conscious and not. Some people were taken by their neighbors three days after the first symptoms. Some people were so close to death. Some died and were found a week later. All of my colleagues decided to get married after seeing how many patients suffer alone. Loneliness isn’t just a state or feeling; it comes with many costs, man”.
Your looks will fade, the single adventures you once had will be less frequent, and eventually, you realize that life with an enriching and equal relationship wasn’t such a bad idea after all.
Dating is not a business decision. It’s a loving/emotional relationship built on trust, honesty, and mutual respect. Sure, there are practical considerations as well, but those shouldn’t be the one thing you look for.
Loneliness is simply lonely.
That’s a long-term life I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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Photo credit: Obie Fernandez on Unsplash