There was a time when I prided myself on being a little bit of a mess. I guess I thought men would find that whole thing cute. Playing the whole Princess Peach act when honestly I was a lot more like a Bowser. And if you’re not familiar with Mario, just know he’s the villain.
I kinda manipulated people. Or, at least, the way I was being perceived.
I do think about my best lover a lot.
Not to say he was the best person of the bunch, but he loved me better than the rest. He loved me at my most confident. My most bull-headed. And somehow at my most unsteady.
There were stars in his eyes a lot. But I have always wondered what put them there.
I want to know about the subtle things I did when I let my guard down. How I smiled when I didn’t think he was watching. I want to know why he stayed up just a little longer to watch me fall asleep. Or how I sounded at the dinner table when I’d had just enough wine.
I’d like to see what he saw in me then. And maybe it just bothers me because I’ll never really know. But maybe — just maybe it would teach me to keep my guard down a little more.
Maybe it would teach me to just let go.
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This post was previously published on P.S. I Love You.
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