If You Want a Better Relationship, Seek To Understand Your Partner

Many people spend the bulk of their relationship dismissing, invalidating, and attempting to change their partner, and then wonder why their relationship is unsatisfying. They wonder why they feel so disconnected from the person they used to feel deeply connected to.

At the beginning of a relationship, when everything is new, it’s easy to feel connected. This new person makes you feel good. They are as interested in you as you are interested in them.

When you look into each other’s eyes, you see each other. When one of you speaks, the other listens.

If you would imagine that throughout a relationship there is a pane of glass between you and your partner, in the beginning, the glass is clear. You see. You hear. You seek to understand.

But over time, the glass gets dirty. Your partner inevitably disappoints you, hurts you, or does something that causes you to feel angry. You argue, and then things go back to being good again, at least for a while. But unless the root of the argument was satisfactory resolved for both parties, a resentment is born.

That resentment dirties the glass. And it will stay on the glass if it is not cleared. As additional conflict occurs, more resentments dirty the glass.

Now when you look through the glass, you don’t see your partner as clearly. When they talk, you don’t always listen. When they attempt to get you to see their viewpoint, you dismiss and invalidate them. And you hope by dismissing and invalidating them, that they will change the way they thing or feel about an issue.

And maybe they do all of these same things to you.

This creates even more resentments. It creates more build-up on the glass. Now your partner is just a shadowy figure. You can barely see them through the glass.

Eventually all you care about is winning the argument. You believe you are right and they are wrong. You aren’t interested in listening to their complaints. You want them to stop complaining and do what you want. You want them to change to be who you think they should be.

One day you realize you feel completely disconnected from your partner. They feel like a roommate. Or worse, they feel like a stranger.

Now when you look at the glass, all you see is dirt.

Our deepest human needs include being seen, heard, and understood. This is how we create and maintain connection with someone. If one or both partners in a relationship are being dismissed and invalidated, they are not being seen, heard, or understood.

It is impossible to create or maintain connection in this type of relationship dynamic.

In healthy relationships, couples attack the problem, not each other. In healthy relationships, couples validate and seek to understand the other person’s viewpoint, even if they don’t agree with it.

This can be very difficult for people to do, especially if there is a lot of built-up resentment in a relationship. This is why a major focus of couples therapy is healthy communication.

They way you communicate matters greatly. Each time you communicate, you are either creating connection or creating disconnection. Conflict can lead to deeper connection if it is approached in a healthy manner. But when conflict is repeatedly approached in an unhealthy manner, it will significantly damage the relationship.

Communication refers not only to the words used. It also refers to tone and body language. And refusing to openly communicate with your partner is a form of unhealthy communication.

The Gottman Institute discusses the Four Horsemen of a relationship. These are communication styles that can predict the end of a relationship. They are: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt.

According to the Gottman Institute, contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce.

During arguments, you can focus on winning, or you can focus on being happy in your relationship. If you are continually using unhealthy communication styles so you can win the argument, as opposed to attempting to understand your partner, you will ultimately lose in the long-term. You can’t expect to have a happy and satisfying relationship if you communicate in ways that create disconnection instead of connection.

Relationships require effort. You need to be continuously cleaning the glass between you and your partner, otherwise feelings of disconnection will settle in between you.

This requires for you to not only see, hear, and seek to understand your partner, but for you to be open, honest, and vulnerable with your partner. If you feel like your partner doesn’t see, hear, or understand you, it may be because they are routinely dismissing and invalidating you. But it may also be because you are afraid to show them who you truly are and to clearly communicate your needs.

Open and vulnerable communication feels terrifying to many people, and unhealthy communication styles develop as a way to protect yourself from feeling vulnerable. But without vulnerability, true connection is not possible.

To connect with someone, you have to desire to fully see them. And you must allow them to fully see you.

If you struggle to see, hear, and understand your partner, it is likely there is a lot of hurt between the two of you that is dirtying up the glass. It may also be that you are afraid of what would happen if they would see, hear, and understand you.

On some level you may feel safer hiding behind a dirty pane of glass. If you never allow your partner to see the real you, then they can’t reject the real you. Although the dirty glass creates a disconnected and unsatisfying relationship, it may feel like a safer relationship than one in which you both see each other through clear glass.

There are two people in a relationship, and you have the power to change one of them. Although your partner is most likely contributing to the relationship issues, the best place to start is with you. If you approach conflict with a desire to see, hear, and understand your partner, and you communicate with openness, honesty, and vulnerability, then you are creating a space where they may feel safe to do the same.

They may not follow suit, but if that is the case, then at least know you tried.

In relationships, you can attempt to win all of the fights, and ultimately get the prize of a disconnected and unsatisfying relationship.

Or you can attack the problems together, while seeing, hearing, and understanding your partner, and ultimately get the prize of a connected and satisfying relationship.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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